Is atheism a disease of the mind?
by Amanda Whitton



Hi again, athiess, satanists, murderers, jews, pedophiles, whatever. I'm sorry I haven't been able to post for the last two weeks; my computer was at Circuit City for reparis,. To level with you, the damage was pretty much all my fault. When I noticed one morning that the chassis vibrated a little, I tried to sit on it and ended up cracking the whole case. Oh well, live and lrearn I guess. Fo cvourse, I got in trouble with Mom and dad. The snet me to my room in the basement early, that night, then told me that I was grounded and would have an earlier bedtime. I think this was destined by God. Everything has a purpose. My bedroom is right next to the dryer, so needless to say, I've been getting a lot of laundry done. And smoetimes, when the clothes are tumbling in the dryer, I like to turn out the lights, sit on top of it and think. And every once in awhile, in these circumstises god touches me and I have a sudden major pifany of thought, a realization if you will because the one notrr all in your mind it's chemicals, right? Not God! Definately not! Ha!" say atheists. So here I will post some of the pifanys I have reached over the last couple weeks., I hope they help to contruibutate smoethig to the group.

Pifany #1: First of all, athiestm needs to be approached like a sickness of mind, like any other form of dementia. This may not sound like a major realization in fact its prety obvious to most smart people, but it is important. Did you no that the ADA lists athiesm right after homosexuality in its alphabatical listing of mental illnesses? (dad bought me a book) What does this tell you? THNIK, PEOPLE! No matter what the radical athiest lobby tells congress to tell the people to think, the proof is in the pooding, and this pooding has skin. And this skin is brown not because it is inferior but because it has more carbon in it. It is WRONG to descriminate against people of another color! Vanilla pooding, chocolate pooding, it's all the same stuff: celluloid. This is why atheism is a mental illness. Celluloid clogs arteries. Clogs up the HEART! Hearts should be filled with love, not hatred! Atheists eat too much pooding, and then there's no room left in their heartss for Gid,. Only Cellulose. This is metaphoric. It's like the poodling. Different color, different taste, but still pooding, all the same. Why don't people understand this. Food colors treat different poodings, and modern medicine treats mental illnesses. Like schizophrenia. Like chleroiss. Like hemmoroids. Preparation-H think of how many people died waiting for THAT simple cream! But now it's okay. One little injection of proteast inhibitors and its over, AIDS is. A tasty cocktail of protease inhibitors cures AIDS now. Again so simple. But it will most likely be given only to the gay community. And the rest of us will be left with what? Pooding? I wouldn't doubt it. Heaven's gate members killed themselves because they clogged up their hearts, supposed to be the center of love, but instead they ate pooding and died. If I got pooding, unlike most athists, I wouldn't throuw it away just because it's not the color I wanted. I'd try to look beneath the skin to see what color it really is. In its soul. Metaphorically, of course. It all comes back to the heart. So why would any man want to use a vacuum pump to enlarge his gentila? That's just sick. And that was pifany number 1.

Pifany #2: The pain and suffering in tthe wrold increases tenfoled evertime it is iterated. You need some bliblical knowledge to understand this. In Genesis, God created the world. He created it good, and then created a perfect man, with perfect gentila, Adom. (That's where the term "Adam's apple" comes from.) But then one summer Eve came along and ruined it. This is why women need to be subjuncted to men. We always want selfish things. Just add a "l" to her name and it spells "evil." God then punished Eve and every generation of women after her, by giving them what is called a minstrual cycle. Our souls bleed to remind us of Eve's sin, and we have to be cleansed of it. (That's where the brand name "Summer's Eve" comes from.) See? One seemingly small act of evil is iterated and it becomes worse and worse and worse. It's simple Chaos theory. Only when all women choose to accept God and seek forgiveness for Eve's sin will their monthly cycles of punishment stop...unfortunately, this comes very late in life for most women. It doesn't have to be that way! It is very sad that some of you don't even know the difference between Adam & Eve and Sonny & Chair! GET A CLUE! YOu need to learn more and accept Gid now1 Me, having already accepted God, have never had to endure what my Dad calls "Eve's Naughty Punishment." And I'm only 11. Some women don't achieve what I have until their in their forties of fifties. SOme not at all. This is how I know I am one of GOd's chosen oness. My soul never bleeds. That was piffany number 2.

Pifany #3: We can all learn from pain, it is the circle of life. Let me retaell a story to you that our Sunday school teacher told to our class once. It is really very sad. it is clled, "Love You Forever." I remember most of it, but I will add more detail to it so you can see the many christian overtures that are hidden in the story.

One day, a Christian man and a Christiam feman got married and joined together in the hopes of making a baby from one of the woman's egg stock and one of the man's sprem load. Luke and Laura didn't enjoy it; no, it was not to be enjoyed, but endured as they painfully joined their gentila togethor. Just to make it more uncomfertable, the did on topof a car that was covered with shards of broked glass. Satan makes sex pleasurable; that is his plan to transmit diseaes. God specifically says in the old Testament that sex is for procreation only. Pleasure, then, is evil. Notice "Eve" coming back in again...? All in the cirle of life. But back to the story.
Okay, shortly after this baby was born, Luke, the father of the baby (the one who gabe the sprem) died in a fatal car accident. He was a very fit man, and thus his death disproved the "Survival of the Fittest" theory of evilution. At his funeral, Lara, the mother, weeping soundly, locked rocked her baby's body and said "I'll love you for ever, I'll like you alot, as long as your alive, my friend you will be." As the months wore on and the baby sucked and sucked and sucked like starving leech at Lara's sadly deflated teet, she would rock him gently and repeat to him, "I'll lobe you for ever, I;ll like you alot, as long as your alive, my friend you will be."
When her sone got older, she would tuck him in at night and remind him, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you alot as long as you're alive, my firnd you wilbe,."
When the son got a little bit older, and went off to Christian military school for the first time, his mom embroidered the wrods into his backpack, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you alot, as long as you're alive, my friend you will be." She then gave him two packs of pooding; one chocolate, one vilhala. This taught him not to be prejidiced.
The years went by, and the day gradualy turned into night. (In this version, they lived on Venus.) The son came home from school, grew up and got married. On his wedding night, his mom came with him and his wife on their honeymoon, and all the while kept pacing back and fourth repeating rapidl with her dry green serpent tongue, which was normal on Venus, "I'll love you forever, I'll lkie you a lot, as long as you're alive, my friend you will be."
More years wend by. The mother became very ill. Her son came to her bedside at the Venutian General Hospital and said to her, "Mom, I'll love you forever, I'll like you a lot, as long as youre alive, my firnde you will be." And she died.

The End....Or is it?!

Go ahead and get a tissue if youre crying now. I don't blame you. In fact, bring me one too. It had that affect on me to. As far as we all can see the emotions are for in our lives without our hearts the cause is unknown but the symtopnt are REAL. That pretty well summs up my third pifany. If you all want to know mroe, just let me know. I hope I helped,. Smoeday, I;'m going to be a wrtiter, I think. Thank you for your time.

Oh, and to that Mr. Zoner who accused me of not being a "real Christian" and not knowing who Jesus was, here's what I know:

Jesus Christ (or Mohammad as he is known in Muslim Country) was the Rider of the Great Cross during the final years of the mezo-cretacious period on earth. Fossil records back this up. He flew the friendly skies on his magic cross (undectable to radar thanks to modern stealth technology) much like a pagan witch-on-a-broom. "The Night Rider," as he was called, patrolled the the middle-eastern airwaves healing the sick, forgiving sin, and stealing homeland away from the Palastinians during the 1980's. All the while, Twelve Apostle Icecream reaped record profits with their delicious "Savior-on-a-Stick" dipped bars. But, just as Michael Drosnin's ominous "Bible Code" predicted, tragedy struck the Rider early in 1994 when a young anti-government militiaman named Sirhan Sirhan, motivated by passages he had read in Jodie Foster's famous novel "A Catcher in the Rye," shot him in the back at a ballroom in Harlem, right in front of of his wife, Betty, and his young daughter, Quebilah Shabazz. Jesus died that night, but luckily he was resurrected by toxic preservatives found in an oversized novelty sanitary napkin manufactured by Turin Incorporated. Nowadays, I think Jesus works the lecture circuit, and I've heard he has a book coming out from Bantam in April of 2000. Kit, his stealthy cross, I know for a fact is currently on display at Universal Studios Hollywood if anyone wants to go see it. It's definately worth the price of admission: It talks!

Hope this helps, Mr. Zoner.



<--Back to Amanda's columns

divisiontwo main page

Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of