If you can't take the heat, get off of the dryer!

by Amanda Whitton

Hi everybody. I had a fight with one of my friends Monday night, and I came home really stressed out. I went down to the basement and sat on the clothes dryer for a little while to relax, and much to my delite, I had a pifany that rocked through me like a stud missle through an Iraqui brick wall. (I've found I get bigger ones when I have it set on Premanent Press, for some reason.) I'm writing today to share that major pifany with you, so you may travel into life well-informmed and with your minds open to Gid. Begining inste without a divine look at truth its not so, the ONLY one; it's like taxation without representation. That in mind, I will presnit you with several analogies that will halp you to better understand who and what God is and does

Many athists don't understand what god truely is. to me, I think it's quite obvious, and sometimes i take it for grantet, but that's because I've had the advantage of being raised by GOOD parents, something many of you have not. Just think of it this way: God is like a single elm tree growing amids a forrest of maples (false gods). He is old and there is wisdom contained in his many years. Older than YOU. He has seen things and done things that you can only imagine about, because you are not god. Some people choose to worship the wrong trees, only becaise either they've been mislead or their just retards. In the fall, the leaves cahnge colors and fall off the tree, and then in the spring, they grow back. This is known as the process of fornication. And it proves that resurrections can happen. A tree is dead for six months, and then it comes back to life,. And yet, there are still people that claim there is no Gid! How do you explane the fact that the other in the the others in the forrest some of them have not resurected but passed on without but leaving their shells (bark) like the flesh but not the soul on earth to eventually go back! Is there a tree heaven? Athiests, I'm looking in your direction on that one... Woodpeckers would represent devils, then, always trying to chip away at Gods xylem, but never succeeding. Elm trees (true gods) are too hard for the devil to peck away. Some of you live in cities, and may have never seen a tree, so the afore-menchinned paragraph would be meeningless to you. But don't despare! God is in everything and veryone! For you urbanights, you can think of God in terms of something as common as one of those women who regulates traffic on the corners at night. God (in this case, I'll refer to God as a she, since, Is I've proved before, God has no genetalia, and thus is sinless) is always dressed up in her best, and sometimes she even stops traffic. Cars slow down as they go by her, they roll down their windows and ask for advice (analogous to prair), and sometimes she gets in their cars with them to give them directions first-hand (this is a kin to moral and spiritual divine guidence). But she usually reqires payment first. Not because she needs it; no, Gid has no use for human money, but because she wants you to prove to her that you are willign to make a scarifice to her but just a small one. She keeps the streets safe and the people happy. That, in a nutshell, is God.

To maybe put it clearer, God, I think, is also a bit like a toilet plunger, if you consider atheistic souls to be like stopped-up toilets. Soemtimes, bad stuff happens...im assuming in the case of atheists, the reason you have shut out His voice is because of some long-ago parental sexual abuse. But that's like a minor clog in the soul. And what do you do in the real world when something is clogged? YOu reach for the plunger. And that's where god is, always sitting there, right next to the toilet, waiting to oblige. Something in the way traverses is not only the honesty and truth of the light, but also restitution on the edge of odivinity of the burnt out light. Simple concepts, folks,. It just takes an open midn,.

God is in everything. Everything you touch. Everything you pick up. Everything you through away. God is like one of those 25-cent tampoons you get in gas station bathrooms. He is cheep, accessible to everyone, and very, very useful. Sometimes you have a discharge (i.e., a religious crisis), and you need something in a hurry. You look in your purse (your empty heart) and find nothing (atheism), so you run to the nearest pubick restroom (church) to get a cheep tampoon (to seek religious guidence). Without these prolific ubiquitous tampoons, we would all look pretty foolish, and we'd be on our own. Ladies, discharges are a sign from God that you need to go seek Him, that you are spiritually incomplete somehow and your soul is bleeding. Perhaps you have been masterbating and wasting your eggs. Sexal pleasure is bad for the body; ask any doctor or scientologist.

So watch out because pedofiles are like flees. They are everywear. They canbe anyone. They can be your freind, your neighbor, your maileman, your dog Duke, anyone! It seems like as sooon as you open your leggs someone's trying to get in there. My first sundae school teacher Kevin got fired after they found out he was a pedder. Watch the eyes; pedders have dark eyes.

People, I hope you understand what I'm talkign about, becuase you need to know this stuff. Sometimes my pifanys are so strong that I actually meet god, and this was one of those pifanys. I hope I have opened your eyes and helped you to understand a little better who and what gid ios.

Email comments always welcome and appreciuated.

Christian #1!

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