/ask armelda/september99
Armelda Simone is divisiontwo's in-house teen advice columnist. New advice is posted daily. Send your questions directly to Armelda at askarmelda@hotmail.com
Dear Armelda, I have this friend from Idaho who is
thirteen and is ready to have a baby. Her parents oppose,
and she was wondering if a baby is a lot of work and if she has
it will it be someone to love her unconditionally??
Kelly M. from MN
--
Dear Kelly, tell your friend that I think thirteen is a great age
for a girl to have her first baby. If she has already gotten her
period, she shouldn't have any trouble finding an eager stud
willing to give her what she wants. I have some numbers of older
guys who are willing to travel, if she's interested.
As for her parents opposing this beautiful choice, this is your
friend's decision, not her parents'. It is not up to them what
she does with her body. Did they clear it with her before they
went ahead and conceived her? I didn't think so. Personally, I
think there is nothing sadder than a young girl with a barren
womb. If she doesn't fill it with a baby, she'll probably fill it
with food or drugs or alcohol, and that's just not healthy.
Let me also say this: A baby is a great way to fill a void in a
young girl's life. It sounds to me like your friend is looking
for someone or something that will love her and doesn't run on
four D batteries. A baby will do that, and plus, think of how
much money she'll save if she doesn't have to buy batteries all
the time.
Raising a baby is really no harder than raising a puppy. Just
tell her that she will have to nurse it regularly for the first
five years and she'll have to drop it off at her parents' house
for a few weeks at a time if she's planning on partying or has
other stuff she wants to do.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm fourteen years old and I'm wondering how I'll know when it's
the right time for sex. My boyfriend is fifteen and we're truly
in love. He wants to have sex, but I'm not sure yet, and I don't
know if I should just give in, stall, or tell him flat-out no.
What do you think?
Jerri P.
--
Dear
Jerri,
It sounds like your boyfriend really loves you and wouldn't push
you into having sex if he thought you weren't ready. I say, just
go with it and move the relationship along as fast as he's
comfortable with. If you're fourteen, then you've probably
already gotten your period, so you should start having sex. You
may stall him a bit if you're still worried, but don't take too
long, or he might dump you and go out with a different girl.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
At school we learned about self-breast examinations in health
class, and when I did it to myself at home last night, I felt a
lump in my right breast. Could it be cancer? Should I go to a
doctor? I'm really scared.
Sarah
--
Dear
Sarah,
Don't get yourself all worried; stress can cause acne. It's
probably nothing. I don't recommend seeing a doctor right away.
You should wait a few months and see if it gets any bigger first.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a guy and I've been really into weight lifting for about a
year now. The gains have been steady but slow. I was wondering if
you know of any legal supplements that can enhance muscle growth
and workout performance. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Larry.
--
Dear Larry,
Anabolic steroids are legal if prescribed by a physician. I have
sent an email to you personally with the URL of an online
pharmacy in Laos that can give you a prescription via email
within minutes.
-Armelda
Dear
Armelda, I've been really depressed lately because my parents are
getting a divorce. I would do anything to get them to stay
together. Is it possible and is it even worth it?
-Dennis Jonsweich
--
Dear Dennis,
It is possible to "trick" your parents into falling
back into love. What I recommend is telling each privately that
you walked in on the other having sex with one of your neighbors
or teachers. This will make them jealous enough that maybe, just
maybe, they'll patch things up. But I can't guarantee anything.
-Armelda
Armelda, I can't
convince my boyfriend to use a condom, and so every time we have
sex I'm terrified of getting pregnant. I'm only 13 and he's 23,
so I can't tell my mom about him or that I need birth control,
because she'd make me stop seeing him. Is there anything I can do
to keep myself from getting pregnant?
C.P.
--
Dear
C.P.,
If he refuses to wear a condom, you have to take matters into
your own hands. Don't try to force him; he sounds like a good
catch and if you get too demanding you might lose him. Instead,
after you have sex, try douching with something carbonated and
sugar-free, like Diet Pepsi or Club Soda. It's a proven fact that
you can't get pregnant during the first week after your period,
so try to tire him out during this time and maybe he'll lay off a
bit for the rest of the month. Also, you can't get pregnant if
you don't have an orgasm, so try to think about other things,
like homework and TV, while he gets off. Or just read a magazine
until he's finished. When it's over, jump up and down for a
minute or two to get as much of his sperm out as possible. If
none of these suggestions work, tell me and I might be able to
come up with a few more.
-Armelda
Amelda I like your
colum. You give advice like my friends. But I have a problem that
I don't want to talk with them about because its embarasing. My
step brother is a couple years older than me, and sometimes he
comes into my room at night, and I wake up and he's standing
naked by my head and rubing his penis on my face. I usually
pretend I'm asleep, turn over and pull the covers up over my
head. After a while he leaves. What is he doing and what can I do
to make him stop without embarrasing him or getting him in
trouble.
Jane Tritton
Ontario, Canada
--
Dear Jane,
There's no way of knowing what he's doing, exactly, from what
you've told me. Next time it happens, pretend you're sleeping as
usual, but don't role over and just let him finish whatever he
was doing. That's the only way you'll know for sure. It could be,
and probably is, something completely harmless and rational that
you just haven't thought of. Write me when you find out.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
My friend Erica had a party at her house and I got really drunk
and I had sex with her dad in the garage. It's been about three
weeks, and my vagina itches and has little red spots all over it.
Is this something I should be worried about?
Worried,
Oklahoma
--
Dear Worried,
Having red spots on your vagina doesn't sound like a big deal to
me. It could be that you're just scratching it too much.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
Sometimes when my friend gets drunk at my house, she drives home
and I can't talk her out of it. What can I do??? I'm afraid that
she's going to get herself killed.
-------------
Ava Ruiz
Texas
Dear
Ava,
Statistically, drunk drivers usually end up killing other people,
not themselves, so relax a little.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda, I
think your advice stinks. You tell people stupid stuff for your
own amusement and you're probably getting them hurt. How do you
sleep at night?
Richard D. Neinel
Bloomington, Minnesota
--
Dear Richard,
I sleep on a big cushy mattress in a nice comfy house that divisiontwo bought.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a fifteen years old boy and I masturbate a lot. I usually do
it into the same shirt, but now it's all crusty and yellowish all
over, so I don't want to give it to my mom to wash, and I don't
want to throw it in the garbage because my mom usually goes
through it when she seperates the recycling. How can I get rid of
it? I live in an apartment and I can't start a fire.
Mike
--
Dear Mike,
I've sent you my address. Put the shirt in a box, take it down to
UPS and send it to me. I'll get rid of it for you. Also, include
a picture of yourself, if you can.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a seventeen-year-old guy and I think I might be gay, but how
can I be sure?
Dan T.
--
Dear Dan,
Try "accidentally" walking in on your dad when he's
coming out of the shower and see if you get turned on. Do the
same to your mom. Whichever gets you hornier will be your answer.
Good luck.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a girl and I have this weird thing where I used to pinch my
nipples and it felt really good. Now I've started to stick pins
in them. Is this dangerous?
R
--
Dear R,
No, fetishes like this are completely normal--everybody has one,
it's just that most people don't talk about it. I, myself, can't
have an orgasm unless I'm bent over an iMac. In fact, why don't
you place an ad on divisiontwo personals? A lot of perverts frequent our
website and I'm sure you could find a bunch of men who'd love to
help you out. They probably even have some bigger and sharper
things they'll want to stick in your nipples. Good luck!
-Armelda
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