Ask the OB/GYN

By Dr. Sebastian Coleman

September 14, 1999

Hello divisiontwo readers! My name is Dr. Sebastian Coleman. I'm a full-time ranch hand in Caballo, New Mexico, and I fancy myself somewhat of a freelance obstetrician/gynecologist. I'm gonna write my first column as sort of an introductory piece to what you'll see in my forum every week, and I have even posted a couple early letters from readers at the end of this page. I hope you will take the time to write to me at, as your letters and questions are a major part of divisiontwo's mission.

I'm going to write today about threat to our nation and to our way of life that is often swept under the rug or covered up by the corporate interests of our Jewish-controlled media. There are invisible invaders the homes, in the minds and in the lives of many of us, and I am no exception. These invaders come uninvited and take away your loved ones. To date, they have killed close to 250 thousand people and now they may be after you. I'm talking, of course, about those little critters that have been around since before the dinosaur and even the Eskimo: crab lice.

In this week's column, I want to tell you what crab lice are, how people get them, and how you can protect yourself against this horrifying affliction.

First of all, there two kinds of crab lice: Mallophaga, or chewing lice, and Anoplura, or sucking lice. The chewing crab lice are usually found on mammals or birds; they chew feathers, hair, and skin and sometimes draw blood. Crab lice vary greatly in size; their wingspan can be as small as one millimeter and as large as two feet across, and some species have been known to swallow animals and small children whole.

There are two theories on how crab lice came into existence. One states that they evolved from primitive pterodactyls, the other says that they may have their origins on planet Venus. But the truth is that no one knows for sure.

Wherever they came from, one thing is certain: They're here and they're here to stay. So the next thing I'm going to share with you is how you can protect yourself.

There are three main ways that crab lice are transmitted from one person to another. The first is by having unprotected sex with people or animals that have crab lice. Watch for signs of discomfort or itching in your sexual partner or the animal you are rubbing on your genitalia. If such signals are spotted, disengage sexual activity immediately and shave off most of your pubic hair, being careful to leave just enough to function. And to the teenage girls: although it's a proven fact that you cannot get pregnant the first time you have sex, you can get crab lice, so be cautious.
The second way you can contract crab lice is through the sharing of IV drug needles with someone who has crab lice. The third, and by far the most common mode of transmission, is from mother to unborn child.

A person may be infected with the virus that causes crab lice for as long as seven years before developing full-blown crab lice, during which time she may infect others as she sleeps around and not even know it. A person who has developed full-blown crab lice can live for about two to three years, until the lice have eaten all of her skin off and sucked all her blood out.

To prevent crab lice, there are several things you can do. Number one, do NOT have sex with someone you suspect may have crab lice, even if a large sum of money is involved. Number two, do NOT share IV drug needles with someone who has crab lice; you can obtain clean needles at any free clinic. And number three, do NOT have a mother with crab lice. If you are an unborn child and suspect your mother may be infected, call Orkin immediately. If you think you yourself may be infected with crab lice, a small injection of DDT can be administered by either a clergy member or a Justice of the Peace to kill all of the lice eggs in your blood stream. However, if needles frighten you, simply adding about 2-3 cups of straight ammonia to your bath water will kill most of the external parasites.

In conclusion, I'd like to share with you some little-known facts about crab lice and society. Many people don't know that Susan "B." Anthony died of crab lice, as did other famous Americans such as Herbert Hoover, Benjamin Franklin, and David Koresh. Many beloved celebrities have also been killed by these parasites; these include Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Charlie Chaplin, Vanilla Ice, and Cher.

In the conclusion of the conclusion, I want to warn you that the US Department of Justice estimates that three out of every four people will be infected with crab lice by the year 2005. Now that you know the facts, you will be better equipped to protect yourself from this sadly avoidable fate.

Thank you.

Readers' Questions

Dear Dr. Coleman,
I am 32 years old and married to a wonderful man. I'm writing because lately my vagina has been dry during sex, making it very painful for me. I'm allergic to petroleum-based lubricants like Vaseline, and I was wondering if you know of any non-petroleum based products I could try.

Thank you for your help,


Dear Arlene,

Yes, there are some non-petroleum lubricants on the market, most of which are available at your local discount store. But I urge you to re-think your decision. From my own experience, I can tell you that a dry pussy is a much better fuck than when they got it all slicked-up and so smooth I may as well be fucking the air. Dry means more friction, and that means more pull on his manmeat, and that makes the fuck feel that much better for him.

Dear Dr. Coleman,

I'm 23 years old and I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. My boyfriend is starting to feel bad and inadequate that he can't pleasure me. I don't know what to do. Is there some medical reason that I don't enjoy sex, or is it something that's entirely psychological?


Dear Tamara,

Maybe your boyfriend has just got a baby pecker that's too small to fill your hungry twat. I've sent you my phone number; we can set up an appointment at my office, or if you prefer I could be persuaded to make a housecall if you make it worth my while. I think I got just what you need -- 9 thick inches of hot hard manbeef that always has the ladies screamin' for more. You're
definitely gonna feel something this time.

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