by Ted McOwens
September 19, 1999
I've been asked by the owners of divisiontwo to share some of my wisdom and advice regarding personal investments and money management. This is the first job I've had since the accident which left a metal letter opener stuck clear through my skull (my wife tells me I fell on it) and resulted in my mental facilities being somewhat slower than they used to be. I've been eager to get back into the trading game, but I've been held back by my constant memory lapses, lack of balance and my wife telling me I'm stupid. She's right, but I'm also dirt cheap now, and I think that's why divisiontwo came calling.
First off, for all you would-be day traders out there, I have one word for you: Soy. I've been watching and manipulating the stock market for over a decade now, and I have a gut feeling that computer-related businesses and stocks are about to take off. I recommend investing in Microsoft Corporation, IBM, Apple Computers, Son Microsystems, Intel Corporation, Compack, Dill, Getaway, and Hewlett-Packard-Bell-NEC. A lot of you may never have heard of these companies, but mark my words; they're gonna be big. Bigger than that time Marlena on Days got possessed by the Devil.
If some of you have money lying around the house somewhere, perhaps stuffed away in an old mattress or under the toilet tank or lying around the house somewhere, I've got two words that can make that money work for you: Savings account. What you need to do is shove all that money into a brown paper bag, put on a hooded sweatshirt, some dark leather gloves and some sunglasses and go on down to your local bank. Be sure it's a bank, not a hotel that looks like a bank. That was embarrassing. Ask one of the tellers at the bank about opening your own savings account. Beware; a savings account is different from a checking account--they will try to trick you. Once you have opened up your first savings account, hand the teller your wad of sweaty cash, along with a note that says, "give me more or find out what's in the mystery bag." And then just sit back, unbuckle your pants, and let the interest ("in-ter-est") accrue. If they kick you out like they did to me this afternoon, go home and do the same. Make your wife play the teller. What is interest, you ask? Well, interest is when the bank pays you a small percentage of your total balance annually for the privilege of letting them hold onto your money. The longer you leave that money in the bank, and the more money you put in the bank, and the longer you leave that money in the bank, the more interest you can earn. It's like playing the lottery. You can use this interest to buy goods and services from local retailers. But shhhh! Don't tell the banks I told you. This is uncle Sam's dirty little secret; he's as tight-lipped about this as he is about that illegitimate child he fathered with Tifandi the slave girl.
A woman asked me recently how she can pull herself out of a massive credit card debt that she dug for herself with a shovel made of her own stupidity and ignorance. She has four different credit cards, each with a $2000-or-greater limit, and has maxed out each one, of which she has four. To make matters worse, she hasn't had a steady job for over a year and doesn't plan on finding one. "Work's not my thing," she explained. This woman is now my nanny. I told her that there is one simple way to erase all of that debt, and that's to cancel the cards. If you call up and cancel your credit cards, you won't have to pay off your balance, it will be canceled right along with each card. It really is that simple. But shhhh! Don't tell the credit card companies I told you. It's their dirty little secret; and they're as tight-lipped about it as they are about how they can hear your conversations through the magnetic strips on the backs of the cards.
A lot of you out there have written to ask me whether or not I think it's wise to invest in Internet stocks given the current bull market. I don't know what the "Internet" or "bull market" is, but when I find out, you'll be the first to know.
That's all the inside tips and information I can legally give you for now. To recap: Soy is the future of the computer industry, a checking account is a place to keep your shoes, cancel your credit cards to be debt free, Tifiandi the slave girl. That is all.
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