Ten Bulletproof Reasons Not To Give To Charity

by Martin Elliot,
divisiontwo staff writer

So you're thinking of giving to something to charity. Maybe you feel guilty that you've worked to acquire your wealth and possessions while there are lazier people out there who have little or none. Maybe you feel guilty because you work to buy your kids clothing and food, while other, less fortunate people, don't bother. Or perhaps you feel guilty because you had a reasonable number of children you could afford to raise, while others keep dropping out litter after litter like puppies. But whatever your reasoning, the fact remains that giving to charity is something you should avoid at all costs. In fact, giving often does more harm than good. Divisiontwo contributing writer Martin Elliot has put together a list of ten bulletproof reasons why you should not give to charity this year. So next time beggars come knocking on your door at dinner time or before sunrise on a Saturday morning, tell them to go fuck themselves with a sharp stick and then give them a good hard kick in the ass.

1. It's counter-productive. Most charity in the United States goes to help the poor. Giving them money will just make being poor look more attractive to the middle class, and society will end up with a larger poor population as a result.

2. It's out of your control. Some of the money you give may go to people of color or gays.

3. It only hurts you. If you decide to give money to charity, that's less money that you have to spend on yourself or subscriptions to rich, helpful divisiontwo content.

4. The food you give goes to waste. It's true; almost 40% of food collected for Christmas food drives is unusable. Impoverished people may be starving, but most still won't eat cream of mushroom soup and don't know what to do with seventeen cans of tomato paste.

5. Food gives them energy for sex. Feeding starving children in impoverished third-world nations aids them in reaching sexual maturity and breeding more starving children that you'll have to support.

6. They squander your money. That 70-a-day you give to little Mujibar or Muhamawamajamba is often used to buy comic books and chewing gum.

7. It's useless. Foreign nations have no use for your American currency. In many nations, it has become fashionable to use US currency as toilet paper and kleenex.

8. It's bad for fashion. Don't homeless people have it bad enough? Do you really want them walking around wearing your old Zubaz, Nirvana t-shirts, acid-washed jeans and LA Gear gym shoes? It's a fashion nightmare.

9. It's thankless. Do you ever get so much as a Christmas card from the Toys For Tots people? Didn't think so.

10. It's communist. If everybody just gives their things away for free, no one will want to work for anything, and our society will crumble like so much dried shit.

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