Career and Family
By Chastity Lillicreme
September 19, 1999
Divisiontwo.com is online at last! Hello world! We contributing writers as well as the tech guys have all worked hard to bring this free information resource to you, in the hope that it will help to educate, enlighten, and broaden the horizons of people young and old, normal and crippled, white and off-white the world over. Before I get started on my first column, I'd like to let you, the readers, know a little bit about me, the writer. It will give you, the readers, an insight into who I am and where I'm coming from as I write each of my pieces. I hope to build a relationship with each of you that is almost as special as the one between me and my car.
My name is Chastity Marie Lillicreme, and I am a sixth grade teacher in Como, Missouri, as well as a regular columnist for the bi-weekly Como News & Shopper. I am thirty-two years young, and I have two gorgeous children, Kelsie and Jennifer, a loving husband, Carl, and a cute little mutt name Ginger. I will be writing weekly for divisiontwo, and I encourage each of you to send me any thoughts, suggestions or feedback you may have to email@example.com. That said, let's begin our shared adventure.
I was sitting with my girlfriend Janice at our local coffee shop/book store last Saturday afternoon, just shooting the breeze and catching up on the gossip as we do every weekend. It was a sunny day, as Saturdays usually are, and through the big shop window I could watch the sentenced-to-service convicts busily preparing Main Street for the Como Heritage Days parade that would pack the streets the next day. As Janice and I talked and laughed about the latest books we'd read and commented on the convicts' powerful thighs and buttocks and what we'd like to do to each one of them, our conversation somehow got around to the great strides women have made in the workplace over the past few decades. At first, we were both in agreement that this was a good thing that had benefited our society, economy and culture, but then I said something that caused Janice to shoot me a stare so unfamiliar and cold that I might as well have been from Mexico. I simply made the comment that I, personally, thought there were a few jobs women either shouldn't do or can't do as well as men.
Janice put down her coffee cup and looked at me, licking the cream from her upper lip and thinking, I'm sure, about how she could drown me in the stream behind my house and make it look like an accident. "Surely you're joking, Chas," she offered finally. I responded that I wasn't, giving my panties a firm tug out of my crack, and from there the conversation degenerated into a bitter argument that ended in Janice storming out of the store. She gets like that when she's wrong and can't admit it. But I'm as open-minded as the next women about this, and I'd like to put the question out on the line for you, the readers, because you're what this website is really about. Do you think there are any jobs that women shouldn't do? Do you think there are any jobs that God didn't intend women to hold? Do you think there are any jobs men do better just by virtue of being men? I certainly do. For my column this week, I have put together a list of ten occupations that I think women shouldn't do or that men will always do more effectively, and I have provided solid reasoning for each one. Read on.
- Fire Fighter. It's quite obvious God intended men to put out the fires; He created them with their own built-in hoses. If He had intended women to fight fires, women, too, would have penia, which we most certainly do not.
- Police Officer. I know how I get when I have PMS. If I had a gun in the house, I'd have long ago shot each of my kids in arms and legs and put the last two bullets into the dog. I'm sure most of you women out there know what I'm talking about.
- Airline Pilot. I don't know anything about airplanes. Do you really trust me to fly yours?
- Taxi Driver. Driving a taxi requires spit-second reasoning and decision making that women aren't genetically capable of. Women are too busy looking in the makeup mirror and checking their lipstick and dreaming about the hunk in the romance novel they read last night to pay any attention to where in the heck we're going.
- Mathematician. Boys are better at math than girls are, a fact which I point out to my sixth graders almost daily. Girls are more easily distracted than boys, and additionally, they're not as good with technology.
- Egg Donor. I don't think locking a woman into a tiny room with a dirty magazine and a styrofoam cup is any way to bring a child into the world.
- Singer. Women's singing voices grate on me like nails on a blackboard.
- Security Guard. If I were the least bit afraid of a woman with a badge and a flashlight I certainly wouldn't take a crap in the bushes outside of the Pillsbury building every night.
- Businessman. Men are better negotiators. Women cave in at the slightest stern word and don't know how to say no to a cute face or bulging biceps. Don't believe me? Then you obviously don't remember the character of Carolina DeMostra from Guiding Light.
- Dentist. I don't want a woman drilling my teeth and then suddenly remembering she forgot to pick up little Jimmy from soccer practice or forgot to wash out her diaphragm before coming to work..
So what do you, the readers, think? Let me know. I'll print your responses that agree with me in next week's column.
Till then, may love and reason guide you,
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