What did divisiontwo do on vacation?
Regular readers of divisiontwo probably noticed that there was no new content on the site between last Wednesday, November 10, and today, November 15. divisiontwo would like to apologize to both of you, and say we are truly sorry for whatever inconvenience or disappointment it caused in your excuses for lives.
As divisiontwo's expressed mission is to bring together columnists and readers to build a close-nit, worldwide community which we can then market to advertisers, our editorial board (blind Earl) felt it would be easy and cheap to share with you what many of your favorite divsiontwo columnists did during their vacation. We hope this will help you get to know a little bit more about the divisiontwo contributors you've come to trust, respect, and yes, even love*.
*divisiontwo defines "love" as the urge to masturbate in front of a minor.
Chastity Lillicreme, what did you do on vacation? "I took the opportunity to spend some time bonding with my beautiful daughters Kelsie and Jennifer. It's amazing what a parent can learn by sitting down and talking with their children and then really listening to what they have to say. For example, did you know that Jennifer's middle name is Marie? I didn't."
Michael Eagan, what did you do on vacation? "A girl called Zachary on the telephone, so I him spanked him so hard that the neighbors called the cops about his screaming. My wife and I insisted the noise came from a loud child-beating video we were watching. The cop didn't buy it, but he was a buddy of mine from the Promise Keepers so he just gave me the secret handshake, winked and was on his way."
Jocko, what did you do on vacation? "I rented this porno called 'Cherrypoppers: The College Years' and jerked off to it four times a day for five days in a row; then I had to take it back. The damn video store fined me for getting the box all crusty, but it was only $2.50."
Mike McCormick, what did you do on vacation? "Me and my mom went to a dance at my school on Friday night. It was fun, and mom looked really pretty. Some of the other kids laughed at me for bringing my mom, but mom said to ignore them because they were just jealous. After the dance, the football players grabbed me in the bathroom and took my pants and underwear and then dragged me out to the football field and duct-taped me to the goal post. Mom found me a few hours later and cut me loose and then we went home for icecream."
Armelda Simone, what did you do on vacation? "I volunteered as an [English as a Second Language] tutor at the local YMCA for some Hmong second graders. I told them 'twat' was the word for an orange and that 'I have to go suck my cock' was the way to ask a teacher for permission to go to the bathroom. It was pretty funny."
Butch Powers, what did you do on vacation? "I work as a personal trainer, and I spent most of the last week helping one of my new clients hone his lifting techniques. He passed out after just 2 minutes of being held under water. A real pussy, but he's improving."
Amanda Whitton, what did you do on vacation? "One nite on the dryer I was thniking about GOd and Jesus and hhow much love they haff to shaer with the world,. THe pifany I had was so devine and amazign I cried. I could feel jesus's hand explouring my body. through my own hand. I notisced that if i put lots of shoes and rocks in to the dryer I get bigger pifanys but I don't know why."
Ted McOwens, what did you do on vacation? "I discovered an easy and foolproof way to balance your checkbook. You write down every check you make out, including the amount it was for, and then subtract that from the balance in your account. If you have to subtract a number from one that is smaller, borrow a 1 from the column to the left. It's really easy if you can remember the difference between subtracting and adding. Up until now I've been using a practice checkbook my wife printed up for me, but she says if I do a good job I can get a real account with real money in it some day."
Henna Armbruster, what did you do on vacation? "I didn't know we were on vacation. No one ever calls me. So I guess I spent my vacation in my rusty wheelchair in my dark apartment that's starting to smell like urine. On Monday I fashioned a grabber out of a broom handle and some tongs and managed to open the window shades a bit, but my nurse closed them when she came that afternoon and warned me not to do that again. She took away my dinner that night, but it was worth it to see the sunlight if just for a few hours. Yesterday I dressed JohnnyCat up in some kitty clothes I made from pot holders and glue. He was so cute that I wish my nurse would let me have a camera to take a picture, but she won't let me have anything with parts small enough to swallow. Some of the epoxy stuck to JohnnyCat's fur and he lost a few good clumps when I took the kitty clothes off. He scratches and bites my legs when he's mad but I don't feel it because they're plastic. Sometimes he gets on my lap and claws at my face, but my nurse says he does that because he's an opossum and not a real cat."
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