Gay News: How to spot them, how to protect yourself.
by Eric Talbet
September 16, 1999.

We've all seen them at the mall and wondered. We've all noticed them at the grocery store and giggled. We've all met them in a dark alley and worried. In this week's Gay News, divisiontwo Multicultural Living columnist Michael Talbet tells you about the physical signals you can use to spot a gay man, as well as the psychological maneuvers you can use to protect yourself.

Gay! Scared you, didn't I? That's normal; everyone fears what they don't know or don't understand. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you were to learn a little bit more about the word "gay" and just what makes a gay man tick, you might not jump so high the next time a man touches your shoulder or shudder in terror when the UPS man walks by. So first of all, let's start off with the hard facts about gay men. Gay men, I'm told, have sex with other gay men and sometimes rape straight men at gunpoint. Gay men, I've read, like to force small rodents into one another's rectums for pleasure. Gay men, I've seen, like to wear a lot of pink, purple, buttless leather hotpants and bondage gear. Gay men, I think, molest young boys and recruit your children.

It's important when talking about gay men that we separate the good from the bad. Gay men do not have a conscience, they have no remorse and no pity; that's bad. Gay men almost single-handedly keep America's lubricant industry booming; that's good. Gay men kiss other men; that's bad. Gay men's vital organs can be harvested and used to build biomechanical robots capable of sustained periods of space travel; that's good.

But it's also important when talking about gay men to consider the anal sex.

Now that we've weighed everything that's good and bad about gay men, you have the tools necessary to make an informed decision about whether or not to they are people. Whatever you decide, it is statistically in your best interests to be cautious when dealing with one, for America's toughest prisons are overflowing with gay men, and let me assure you, they weren't put there just for being cruel to rodents.

I know you wonder, like I do, when you see a man who's just a little too stylish or well-dressed, could he be gay? When you see a man who walks just a little too daintily, you ask yourself, should I be afraid? When you see a man dressed like a woman performing on stage, you consider, is he a drag queen? When you hold a gerbil or hamster in your hands, you dare not ask, where has this creature been?

These questions are at the heart of what it's all about. Today, I'm going to answer them. When you see a gay man, even one who isn't dressed like a woman or molesting busloads of boyscouts, there are always a few dead giveaways that you're looking at a stark raving queer, even if it's not at all obvious at first.

First, watch the wrist. Scientologists now believe that gay men evolved from the long-extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex, and have the characteristic limp wrist -- now called a "gay claw" -- of their man-eating ancestors. The Tyrannosaurus Rex ruled the earth thousands of years ago, then suddenly became extinct, for reasons Scientologists are still debating. The current theory holds that since they were gay, they were unable to reproduce a new generation, and hence all gradually disappeared. If this is true, it begs the question, could this ultimately be humanity's downfall as well? No one knows for sure, but yes, it will.

Second, notice the face and forehead. Is it glittery? Gay men love shiny things; they paint their bodies with glitter and wear metallic shirts to hypnotize normal men into entertaining dirty sexual thoughts about them. They play hypnotic electronic music and gyrate in ways the human body was never meant to move.

Why any man would want to stick his penis in another man's rectum is beyond me.

Third, walk around back and glance at the posterior. Are those jeans just a little too tight? Gay. Are those muscular, globelike cheeks just a little too enticing? Gay. Are those vinyl pants cut out in back? Very, very gay. If the man is sending you telepathic messages trying to get you to notice his posterior, he's gay. If he asks you to insert a kitten, puppy or cucumber into his anus, he's gay. If he asks you to "scratch an itch" for him and points to his ass, he might be gay or he might just be itchy; delay judgment if this is the case.

Fourth, search the man's front pockets for lubricant. If you find a tube of KY Jelly, Vaseline, AvonLube, E-Z Slide, or SmoothJammer, you can be 100% certain he's an ass-pirate. If all you find is a tube of regular Chapstic, he's probably in the denial stage.

Fifth, and most importantly, examine the rectum for telltale signs of penetration, such as swelling or inflamation. Note whether or not the tissue feels tender to the touch. Take pictures and ask others for their opinions. Compare the photos to others in your collection which feature undeflowered rectums. If the dilation difference is greater than 2-3 centimeters, that's a gay ass for sure.

Okay, you say, that guy I met at the Triangle Bar was probably gay. That man who painted my house pink while I was asleep was probably queer. That priest who used to expose himself to me in the rectory was probably a fag. What can I do about it?

Well, I'm not the authority on this issue, so I'll quote a source that is. This comes directly from a pamphlet some Mormons handed me when I visited Salt Lake City in June of '95:

"If you see a gay man, you have three options: 1) Fight. 2) Flight. 3) Outsmart. Fighting is not a good choice. While they may look, dress and sound like sissies, gay men are attracted to muscles, and consequently spend hours every day at the gym packing on slab after slab of sinful beef. Flight is a better choice; high heels and nylons slow them down. But outsmarting is your best bet. If you are approached, tell him you're flattered, but it'll have to wait until you get your crab lice or herpes outbreak taken care of. Then ask for his number. Chances are he'll give you a fake, but if it's real, be sure to report it to MormonWatch, which prints the names of potential likely sex offenders in its quarterly newsletters."
The number for MormonWatch is listed as 1-900-273-1212, but remember, this source is from 1995, so it might have changed since then.

Now you have the knowledge and the resources to effectively spot and defend against gay males. If you would like to see some pictures of gay males or gay sex (for educational purposes), click on Kids Links on the divisiontwo main page.

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