An Open Letter From God
by divisiontwo environmental columnist Summer GreeneDear children,
I am writing this open letter to you because I am very sad. When I look around at my precious Earth, I see that my air is turning dark with pollution. I see that my oceans and seas are becoming dirty. My trees are being cut down faster than they can be regrown. My precious topsoil is being eroded by my fierce, driving winds. My rainforests are disappearing. My streams are drying up. My animals are dying off. My local Wendy's is closing.
You, my children, are to blame. You cut down my trees and don't replant new ones. You drink my sixpacks and throw the cans out the window. You pee in my lakes. You crap in my forests. You wipe your ass with my leaves. You shoot at my deer. You spray chemicals on my orchards. You suckle my ripe melons. You carve faces in my mountains. You masturbate in my bathroom.
You get drunk in the bars. You fornicate in your beds. You entertain dirty thoughts when you think no one can hear you. You sleep in church. You steal from Wal-mart. You spit in drinking fountains. You talk during movies. You set your ex-girlfriends on fire. You kidnap children and force them to do housework for you. You keep midgets in your basement. You breed retards for pets. You throw used condoms at old people.
This behavior cannot continue. You are destroying your only home, the Earth. You are killing your cousins, the animals. You are raping your sisters, the lakes. You are molesting your children, the rivers. You are fucking your uncles, the forests. You are killing the wicked, the Mexicans.
This behavior WILL NOT continue. Each one of you will do your part to help keep the Earth clean. Each one of you will do one thing to tidy up your homes. Each one of you will clean that hard-to-reach area of your body you always neglect. Each one of you will pay a small nominal fee for a subscription to divisiontwo magazine.
Next time you have a soda, you won't throw the can out the window, you'll bring it to the recycling center so it can be used to make new cans and new cars and new bullets. Next time you drink a six pack, you won't cut the rings into shreds, you'll bring them to the ocean for the dolphins and seagulls to play with. Next time you use a sheet of toilet paper, you'll rinse it out and use it again and again to save my precious trees. Next time you see a deformed boy at the mall, you'll put a bullet in his head to clean up the gene pool. Next time you smoke a joint, you'll crack a window so your landlord can't smell it.
That is my mission for you, my children, for I so love each of you that I have given you my only begotten website and magazine, divisiontwo, which you will subscribe to on an annual basis for a very, very reasonable fee.
Love,
God
Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of divisiontwo.shlomifish.org.