The divisiontwo Boys' Club presents: Guys' Handbook 2000.

1. Compliment three people every day; one of them is bound to blow you.

2. Have a dog to kick when you're mad.

3. Stare at a solar eclipse at least once a decade, it's a sign of toughness.

4. Remember how other people wronged you.

5. Never tip breakfast waitresses; they don't deserve it and they're never very pretty.

6. Have a firm handshake, but not too firm - people will think you're a queer.

7. Look women in the eye, not the cleavage. It makes them feel valued.

8. Say "thank you" a lot during sex.

9. Say "please" a lot before sex.

10. Learn to play a musical instrument, but not the flute - people will think you're a queer.

11. Sing in the shower; it enhances masturbation.

12. Use the good silver. The leaded kind.

13. Learn to make great chili. Prepare to sleep alone.

14. It's okay to piss behind the garage.

15. Own a great stereo system. It impresses the ladies.

16. Be the first to say, "End of discussion!" Be the last to say, "Sorry."

17. Live above your means; charge it to her credit card.

18. Drive inexpensive cars, but not a Miata - people will think you're a queer.

19. Buy great books even if you never read them. It impresses the ladies.

20. Be more forgiving of yourself than of others.

21. Learn at least three clean jokes to tell at parties; be sure they don't contain references to "chinks" or Helen Keller.

22. Wear comfortable shoes, with a steel toe for ass-kicking.

23. Floss your teeth every Christmas.

24. Drink champagne for no reason at all. Puke because you drank too much champagne.

25. Ask for a raise when you feel you've earned it. If you don't get it, put in half the effort at work.

26. If in a fight, hit FIRST and hit HARD. If he doesn't feel it, cry like a girl and beg for mercy.

27. Return everything you borrow, and make sure it's not sticky.

28. Teach some kind of class. Night classes are a great place to meet sluts.

29. Be a student in some kind of class. College classes are a great place to meet intellectual sluts.

30. Never buy a house without a toilet. Don't ask why, just trust us.

31. Buy whatever kids are selling in their front yards. It's usually good shit.

32. When you turn 45, buy a convertible. It will make people think you're younger.

33. Treat every woman you meet like you want to be treated, i.e., pull off their pants and hump them like a bad dog in heat.

34. Learn to identify the music of Chopin, Mozart, and Beethoven. But don't tell anyone - people will think you're a queer.

35. Plant a tree on your birthday. Chop it down on Easter.

36. Never donate blood - it causes temporary shrinkage.

37. It's never okay to cry. It's never okay to admit to having cried. It's never okay to think about crying. It's never okay to allow a friend to cry without calling him a "pussy."

38. Keep secrets. They could come in handy later.

39. Take lots of snapshots. They could come in handy later.

40. Never refuse homemade brownies, especially if the junior high boys are selling them. Don't ask why, just thank us after.

41. Don't postpone joy. It's your orgasm that's important. She can get herself off while you go get a beer.

42. Write "thank you" notes promptly, but don't use cursive - people will think you're a queer.

43. Slapping a male friend on the butt during sports doesn't mean you're gay.

44. Slapping a female friend on the butt during sports can cost you upwards of five grand.

45. Show respect for firefighters and police officers. Show respect to pretty much anyone who can kick your ass or shoot you.

46. Never skip an opportunity to use "fuckin" as an adjective.

47. Don't waste time learning to ballroom dance. If your woman insists, tell her to go with one of your gay friends.

48. Keep a tight rein on your dick. Don't let it make you its bitch.

49. Buy vegetables from truck farmers who advertise with hand lettered signs. They'll usually throw in some cheap herb.

50. Put the cap back on the toothpaste; it'll keep pubic hairs out of the tube.

51. Take out the garbage every week; it'll keep possums out of the house.

52. Wear sunscreen, but don't tell anyone - people will think you're a queer.

53. When you vote, tell women you voted for the woman.

54. Hallmark cards should only be given when you've done something really, really bad.

55. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility. Then point out how much more responsible you are than the others.

56. Never mention being on a diet - people will think you're a queer.

57. Make the best of bad situations. Any day that ends with your genitals intact is a good day.

58. Always accept an outstretched hand, unless it's been severed.

59. Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of that elf video you used to make them watch while you went to the bar.

60. Admit your mistakes, just be sure to blame them on others.

61. Ask someone to pickup your mail and papers when you're out of town. Those are the first things burglars look for.

62. Hide all your dildos, pornos, condoms and dirty magazines. Those are the first things babysitters look for.

63. Use your sense of humor to amuse your friends and impress the ladies. You're especially witty and charming when you're drunk.

64. Remember that all news is biased against you because you're white and male.

65. Take a photography course. Then put an ad in the paper calling yourself a modeling agency.

66. Let people pull in front of you when stopped in traffic, then follow them closely with your brights on.

67. Demand excellence and be willing to pay for it. Charge it to her credit card.

68. Be brave. Even when you're not. No one can tell the difference as long as you wear a baseball cap and say "fuckin" a lot.

69. Whistle. It's useful.

70. Hug your children after you discipline them, then discipline them some more.

71. Learn to make something beautiful with your hands, and if it has sharp or pointy edges, don't use it to get yourself off.

72. Give to charity all the clothes you haven't worn lately. Homeless people don't mind parachute pants, grunge-era flannels, polo shirts and Zubaz.

73. Never forget your anniversary. If you do, blame her.

74. Eat prunes. Be regular.

75. Ride a bike. The first thing women check out is a guy's ass.

divisiontwo main page

divisiontwo wholeheartedly endorses the conduct recommended in the Guys' Handbook 2000.

Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of