HOT off the Rumor Mill in JoJo's Celebrity Gossip
September 19, 1999
Is Shelly Long DEAD?
Haven't heard from Shelly Long in awhile? Neither has anyone else, according to my latest article for The Star City Tattler. The author claims that mediocre actress and rumored dog rapist Shelly Long may be, despite repeated denials by her agent and family members, as dead and bloated as Jean-Benet Ramsey.
Long's career was launched from oblivion to dizzying heights in 1981 with her role as the frigid, ball-busting barmaid on NBC's popular sitcom Cheers. As the show reached its peak of popularity in 1986, Long left Boston and her job as a barmaid to pursue what astrologers said would be a promising film career. It didn't pan out. Some of her most notable flops include:
· Tina Tastes the Ass Candy (1987)
· Killin' Niggas (1988)
· Raunch and Destruction: The Mother Theresa Story (1989)
· Manhole 2 (1990)
· Night of the Concubine (1990)
· untitled snuff film (unreleased)
· Tawdry McFuxalot (1991)
· Creamblower (1992)
After Creamblower failed to live up to its big-budget box office hype in the summer of 1992, Shelly Long fell off the Hollywood radar. It wasn't long after that, according to the article I wrote, that Ms. Long embarked on a greasy downward spiral of Ortho-Novum addiction, felony assault, attempted regicide, stalking, criminal patricide, Jew hunting, child eating, and even, in a cruel twist of irony, creamblowing.
"I admit, she made a few art films [pornos] that didn't do as well as the studios had hoped [flopped]," a spokesman for the deceased said in a telephone interview, "but the rumors about her death are patently [un]false. In fact, filming has just begun on her new movie, Beaver College, which many insiders are saying [she's dead] may be her big comeback [she's dead]."
Well, I'll believe it when I see it. In the mean time, I feel it would be nice for all of you divisiontwo readers to call the late Ms. Long's family at home and give them your condolences. The number is 1-507-332-8736. Call after ten p.m. If you call more than once, use a different voice each time.
Is Dan Rather a PERVERT?
According to my inside sources at ABC News, lead anchorman and rumored transsexual Dan Rather may be the biggest pervert in the news industry since the retirement of Charles Kuralt in 1996. Allegations of the existence of literally hundreds of sex tapes the anchorman secretly made of his houseguests over the last fifteen years have surfaced in some postings Internet bulletin boards. That alone wouldn't qualify him as a pervert or even a criminal, as secretly taping other people having sex isn't considered a crime in New York, but pictures have also surfaced on the Internet of Dan Rather with his head cut-and-pasted onto the naked bodies of little boys. It's true; I saw them myself, emailed them to some of my friends and even printed out a few copies. Now, I ask you, why would a nationally famous TV news anchorman do something so sick? When he was making the pictures and posting them, didn't he think that people would recognize him? And what's this thing he's got for naked little boys? I'm no psychologist, but I don't think that's very healthy.
Trafficking in and even possessing any child pornography is considered a felony in every state in the U.S., so watch out, Dan Rather. I've got your number, too.
Is Will Smith Planning a Presidential Bid in 2000?
He's too inexperienced, you say. He's too goofball, you say. He's too dark-skinned, you say. He's legally too young, you say. Well, that isn't stopping "jiggly" television/music/film star Will Smith from throwing his hat into the ring for the 2000 Presidential race. Does he have a chance?
Does a palcret fly?
Of course he has a chance! Buzz has it that in addition to his presidential bid, Smith is planning a song and music video combo as a cross-promotional tie-in with the campaign. There is also a two-commercial deal with Taco Bell in the works and an action figure agreement with Mattel. My source at Mattel said they will likely be sticking a vaguely African-American head onto many of the company's overstock "Batman and Robin" torsos and selling them under the "Jiggly Wit' It 'n' 2K" label.
So what are the politicos saying about their possible new opponent? Billionaire presidential hopeful Steve Forbes notes, "He can't legally run for President until he's 35, so I don't see why you're even wasting my time with this." Republican contender George W. Bush refused to comment, calling the question "irrelevant and immoral." Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura was overheard saying, "Duuuuuuh, wipe me," but I'm not sure what that was in reference to.
You have our word that divisiontwo will be keeping a close eye on Smith's campaign as it develops and will be reporting on his inevitable ascent to the White House. In the mean time, let's all Get Jiggly Wit' It 'n' 2K!!
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All rumors on this page are assumed to be true unless proven otherwise.
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