bleek'sLinux Beatsept19.1999
Hi, this is the mighty Bleek, and I will now be writing a weekly column for divisiontwo chronicling the inevitable ascent of Linux to desktop dominance. Nice to meet you. Bleek would take your coat, but Bleek has no use for coat racks.
Word has been delivered to the great Bleek's desktop that scientists in the former republic of Prussia have been conducting studies regarding whether the cure for the commonest of cancers, known scientifically as medublastylyphonomia, can be found within the 100% free open source code of Linux. Apparently, researchers believe they may be on the right track, but for some reason have yet to send their findings to the great and holy Bleek for confirmation. However, Bleek puts himself on the record as saying that he wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the cure for cancer, AIDS, tetanus, rubella, rheumatism, PMS, infant hyperactivity and even geriatric diaper rash could all be found within the open source of the world's only real operating system. Further, it wouldn't surprise the jaded Bleek if the goons at Microsoft were already looking at ways to crush Linux like the neck of a baby robin and spread these and other infectious diseases through the dirty hypodermic needles recently found in some copies of Microsoft Office 2000.
Bleek is sad to report that the rumor mill has it that Microsoft will be pouring $400 million bi-annually into a program aimed at paving over the entire state of Washington. Apparently Bill Gates is allergic to tree and grass pollen and thus will give the go ahead to the MS Plantlife Eradication Program sometime next Spring.
A report from a Microsoft insider has come to Bleek's attention warning that the Chairman and CEO of Microsoft, Bill Gates, plans to have the penis cut off every third male in the United States who is between the ages of 17 and 35. Apparently Billy G. worries about the so-called "population bomb" and has taken it upon himself, backed by ample Microsoft financial resources, to "defuse it." Candidates for the painful surgical procedure will be selected at random by an NT server running Microsoft Access and will be informed via email or telephone.
A new insider report published in the e-zine Linux4ward reveals that Microsoft's joint cable venture with NBC known as MSNBC will be changing its format early next year in accordance with a directive from Microsoft headquarters. The channel has been ordered to shift its focus away from being just a 24-hour news channel and instead show more homemade snuff films involving little girls under the age of ten getting raped and murdered. This is said to be more inline with Microsoft CEO Bill Gates' personal tastes.
Bleek would like to take this opportunity to say a shout out to his boys Kevlo, Trustice, SlashReaper and Ciijlk, and would like to let everybody know that Sirseas is a little prick wannabe hacker who couldn't get root from a 5-cent whore.
Bleek was informed via his x-Linux email newsletter that Microsoft will be sponsoring a touring rock show in April 2000 which will feature Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Joan & Ozzie Osborne as well as '80s metal sensation Cinderella and a few others. Highlights of the show are said to be be: A live sheep getting sexually abused and then set on fire, Joan & Ozzie biting the heads of newborn kittens, Limp Bizkit spitting and urinating onto the audience, Marilyn Manson defecating onto flaming Bibles, and possibly Rob Zombie simulating intercourse with a blow-up doll fashioned in the image of Mary, mother of Christ. Bleek is rather surprised that there hasn't been much of a protest put up by parent groups and the Christian right just yet, but he's certain it's forthcoming.
Bleek is sad to note that that is all the Linux Beat he has for this week. He invites you into his lair next week to for more of the latest Linux news from around the open-source globe.Bleek is through with you.
/bleek
Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of divisiontwo.shlomifish.org.