Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes
September 26 - October 2, 1999
Taurus: You will be feeling especially dirty this week, and not the good kind of dirty, either -- the sexual kind. Don't resist the urge to fornicate, copulate, and suckle the sweet fruits of coitus at every available opportunity. You will catch something good. If you decide to make a kite out of your soiled panties on Wednesday, be sure they're not monogrammed.
Aries: Part your hair down the middle. Wash one side with the leading brand, and one side with a specialty brand. Lather, rinse, repeat, and don't stop until you're sure it's clean. When you feel the tingling, you know it's working. Rinse and dry your hair thoroughly. Untie your genitals (if tied). Compare the look and feel of the hair on the left and right sides of your head. Base your next shampoo purchase on your findings. Fuck something dead on Friday.
Sagittarius: Someone has been following you to and from your place of work in recent weeks. He has been reading your mail, going though your garbage, and sneaking into your house while you sleep. He likes to rub his penis on your couch and pee on your welcome mat outside the back door. He's the reason you can't find your puppy. Try buying a new wacky hat this week.
Aquarius: This week you're hungry for life, and you're thirsty for semen. See how many guys you can give blow jobs to in one day, then try to top that record tomorrow. You will meet many different people from all walks of life. Steer clear of the YMCA and the Legion, though. Crabs. Try to work your way through the entire police station and the local Christian military academy.
Horse: If you've been meaning to do something early in the week, don't put it off until later. Mars and Pluto are on disjuncted vectors late in the week, making it likely that you will die either on Friday or Saturday. Prepare a living will in advance, and make sure to get revenge on all your enemies before it's too late. Cancel all your magazine subscriptions, except to divisiontwo.
Pisces: You're a fish. You can breathe underwater. Tie bricks to your feet and jump off the local boat dock. You won't be disappointed. Say goodbye to your loved ones first, though, just in case Caprius isn't aligned perfectly.
Capricorn: This is your week for adventure. Go somewhere you've never been, lick something you've never licked, bend your penis the wrong way, or tie your girlfiend up while she's sleeping. Don't let her go until you're finished. A word to the wise: She won't tell if she thinks you'll kill her.
Leo: Do you remember when you had your first kiss? Do you remember the first time you saw your boyfriend or girlfriend naked? Do you remember where you were when you finally lost your virginity? Do you remember what it was like to fall asleep naked in your mate's arms for the first time? I do. I was watching.
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