The Man-to-English Dictionary by Katherine Zhweigher

Most women know all too well that men speak a completely different language than they do. I, for example, speak English, while my husband speaks only Cantonese. It is with this gender distinction in mind that I submit to you ladies out there the Man-to-English Dictionary, intended to make a life a little easier for you by making men's words a little less mysterious.

"I couldn't find that thing you asked me to look for."
: "It's under something."

"Were out of milk."
: "It's behind something."

"I'll pick up the kids."
: "I'll pick up the beer, and if I have time, the kids."

"No, you don't look fat in that, honey."
Translation: "I'm tired of sleeping on the lawn, can't I please be allowed back into the big bed?"

"I couldn't fix it."
Translation: "I didn't try to fix it because I was busy holding my dick and watching football."

"Yes, dear."
: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

"Come here, I want to cuddle."
: "I know you won't blow me if I don't act all romantic first."

"I love you."
: "Put your mouth on my dick."

"Let's spend the day at home."
Translation: "Make me a sandwich and get me a beer. The game's on in five minutes."

"I know exactly where we're going."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

"Is your friend Jenny coming along?"
Translation: "Would she be interested in a threesome?"

"I don't know if I'm ready for kids yet."
Translation: "I don't want to fuck a fat pregnant cow."

"Is my hair thinning?"
Translation: "If you say yes, I'll be impotent for a month."

"When am I gonna meet your parents?"
Translation: "Is your mom hot?"

"Marry me."
Translation: "Do my dishes, wash my laundry, clean my house, raise my kids and satisfy my constant sexual cravings for the rest of your sad life."

"You are the only girl for me."
Translation: "Except for Rica, Sherry, Paula, that girl from the Safeway, and that blow-up doll I think you don't know about."

"Am I the best lover you've ever had?"
Translation: "If you say no, you're a stinky whore."

"I love your naked body."
Translation. "I'm not gay. I'm NOT!"

"What do you want to do today?"
Translation: "Let's stay at home and watch the game, and maybe I'll let you blow me during half-time."

"I'm going out with my buddies tonight."
Translation: "We're gonna drink beer, watch a porno, go to a strip club, and maybe even get a cheap hooker to rim us. Don't wait up."

"Okay, we don't have to have sex. Let's just hold each other and kiss."
Translation: "When is that damn tequila gonna kick in?"

"You mean the world to me."
Translation: "Lick my sweaty ball sack."

"I'm not interested in making our relationship physical just yet."
Translation: "I'm gay, and I'm just going out with you because my mom made me."

"I'm not in the mood right now."
Translation: "Get off my lap, you're blocking the TV."

"You're beautiful."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…oh yeah...rub it faster...duhhh...that feels good..."

divisiontwo main page

divisiontwo wholeheartedly agrees with the views expressed in this column.


Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of