The Man-to-English Dictionary by Katherine Zhweigher


Most women know all too well that men speak a completely different language than they do. I, for example, speak English, while my husband speaks only Cantonese. It is with this gender distinction in mind that I submit to you ladies out there the Man-to-English Dictionary, intended to make a life a little easier for you by making men's words a little less mysterious.

"I couldn't find that thing you asked me to look for."
Translation
: "It's under something."

"Were out of milk."
Translation
: "It's behind something."

"I'll pick up the kids."
Translation
: "I'll pick up the beer, and if I have time, the kids."

"No, you don't look fat in that, honey."
Translation: "I'm tired of sleeping on the lawn, can't I please be allowed back into the big bed?"

"I couldn't fix it."
Translation: "I didn't try to fix it because I was busy holding my dick and watching football."

"Yes, dear."
Translation
: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

"Come here, I want to cuddle."
Translation
: "I know you won't blow me if I don't act all romantic first."

"I love you."
Translation
: "Put your mouth on my dick."

"Let's spend the day at home."
Translation: "Make me a sandwich and get me a beer. The game's on in five minutes."

"I know exactly where we're going."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

"Is your friend Jenny coming along?"
Translation: "Would she be interested in a threesome?"

"I don't know if I'm ready for kids yet."
Translation: "I don't want to fuck a fat pregnant cow."

"Is my hair thinning?"
Translation: "If you say yes, I'll be impotent for a month."

"When am I gonna meet your parents?"
Translation: "Is your mom hot?"

"Marry me."
Translation: "Do my dishes, wash my laundry, clean my house, raise my kids and satisfy my constant sexual cravings for the rest of your sad life."

"You are the only girl for me."
Translation: "Except for Rica, Sherry, Paula, that girl from the Safeway, and that blow-up doll I think you don't know about."

"Am I the best lover you've ever had?"
Translation: "If you say no, you're a stinky whore."

"I love your naked body."
Translation. "I'm not gay. I'm NOT!"

"What do you want to do today?"
Translation: "Let's stay at home and watch the game, and maybe I'll let you blow me during half-time."

"I'm going out with my buddies tonight."
Translation: "We're gonna drink beer, watch a porno, go to a strip club, and maybe even get a cheap hooker to rim us. Don't wait up."

"Okay, we don't have to have sex. Let's just hold each other and kiss."
Translation: "When is that damn tequila gonna kick in?"

"You mean the world to me."
Translation: "Lick my sweaty ball sack."

"I'm not interested in making our relationship physical just yet."
Translation: "I'm gay, and I'm just going out with you because my mom made me."

"I'm not in the mood right now."
Translation: "Get off my lap, you're blocking the TV."

"You're beautiful."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…oh yeah...rub it faster...duhhh...that feels good..."


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