with Butch Powers
September 19, 1999
"Weight Belts are for Pussies"
Okay, boys, here's the deal. I don't like you, and you don't like me. Got it? I ain't your mommy gonna hold your hand or wipe your smelly ass when you cry. I ain't your priest gonna forgive your mistakes or give you suspiciously enthusiastic hugs when you're blue. I ain't your dentist gonna fill your cavities or make you my bitch when you're under the happy gas. I'm Butch Powers, your ex-drill sergeant turned personal trainer, and I'm here to work. So if you're ready to finally get serious, put down all your little girly magazines and barbie dollies and strap on a jock, then let's get started.
First off, stretching is for pussies. It wastes time that could be spent lifting and building muscle, so let's start out with a little something I like to call the Grab and Jerk:
- Prepare a barbell with as much weight as you think you can safely lift. Then add 20 pounds.
- Set it on the floor in front of you. Stand straight, feet shoulder-width apart, and then, keeping your knees locked, bend down at the waist and grab ahold of the bar.
- Using just your lower back, quickly lift the barbell to waist height as you stand straight up. Then slowly, again keeping your knees locked, lower the barbell almost to the floor, but not quite touching, and lift it up again until your back is straight.
- Repeat this process until you feel sharp pains in the lower part of your spine. Then do ten more.
The Grab and Jerk works your lower back muscle group, which gives men that V-shaped torso we all desire. Don't wear a weight belt; weight belts are for pussies. They take pressure off your spine, making the exercise less effective. It's important that you compress your spine when you first start working out so that it calluses over and rebuilds itself stronger.
The next exercise I want to share with you is called the Pull and Shoot:
- Fill your bathtub with about 1 inch of water. Grab two dumbbells of at least 30 pounds each.
- Step into the tub, and stand with your arms at your sides, barbells at waist level. Think about something happy like balloons or kittens.
- Quickly raise your arms so they are straight out from your body and begin doing three sets of 10 jumping jacks. If you get tired after three sets, you're a pussy. Do three more.
The Pull and Shoot works your shoulder, triceps, quadriceps, and quinticeps, as well as hones your balance muscle. It is important you do these in a bathtub, not a shower, as most showers don't have the space required for this exercise. As I mentioned before, the wet bathtub surface is very slippery, so it is best to do these exercises naked for safety.
Another exercise I came up with to torture the grunts when I was in the service was the Shaft Explosion. For this exercise, you will need two 50-pound (or lighter for pussies) dumbbells, a plastic shopping bag, and a rubberband:
- Place the plastic bag over your head and secure it tight around your neck with a rubber band.
- Grab both dumbbells and stand straight up. Curl each gently towards your chest. Do as many as you can.
- Feel your lungs burn, and fight the urge to pass out. If you feel yourself losing consciousness, do ten more, then remove the bag and breathe normally. Repeat the entire exercise three times.
The Shaft Explosion is based on the principle that muscles work harder when they're getting less oxygen; it's an ancient survival mechanism. The "explosion" of oxygen at the end sends the exhausted tissue into a state of shock, causing chemicals to be released that make them to grow larger almost instantly. This exercise is a difficult one, and it is not recommended for pussies.
You'll probably be tired by now (because you're a pussy), so here is a good final cool-down exercise to do. You'll need two 50-pound dumbbells, a set of ankle and wrist weights, brown leather chaps, and a pair of short, squat Indians for spotters.
- Attach the ankle and wrist weights in the appropriate places on the Indians. (They will be marked.)
- Give one dumbbell to each Indian.
- Lie on your back, face toward God or the ceiling if you're inside.
- Have each Indian stand on each of your hands.
- Lift. Lift. Lift, you mighty pussy, lift!
This explosive cool-down is great for your pecs, your abs, your glutes, your adenoids, and your thyroid. When you're finally exhausted, and just can't lift anymore, give the Indians the maize you promised them and send them back to their casino or hogan. Shower and masturbate vigorously.
This has been your Maximum Burst workout routine for the week. Print it out for reference. Now, I don't want to get any letters from whining pussies, but if you have anything you'd like to tell me, you can send me email at firstname.lastname@example.org. But if one of you pussies sends me a sissy letter that says you're too much of a cunt to work out like Butch, I swear to God I'll track you down and kick your fucking teeth in.
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