Meet Mary Claire

October 15, 1999


Hello to all.  I am pleased to be a new columnist for divisiontwo and even more pleased to be able to share with my readers insights about how to live life the right way.  Let me introduce myself, my name is Mary Claire, and I am currently attending a private university which sets my parents back twenty grand a year, and that's just for clothes!!!  We can't forget about the new car they just bought me: a Volkswagen JETTA!!!!! Drivers wanted?  Driver found!!! But do you know what?  I am really sick of people thinking that I am the "golden girl" with everything just handed to her form her parents.  My life is hard, harder then any of you readers could ever know.  I mean sure, my parents buy me everything while little people have to get jobs, but you "little people" have nothing to worry about compared to me, who is constantly worrying, striving to get those grades that I crave like drugs, finding I can't take rests, or as you call them, "naps", throughout the day.  We only have one life to live, and you will live yours entirely as I live a single breath of mine.  This Friday me and my best bud, Jamie, had a lot of fun.  I finished my last class, Biology, at 3:17pm.  Class actually got done at 3pm, but I was held after for throwing a fetal pig at this deaf girl, Jessica.  She used to be my best friend, but then she signed that my shoes didn't match my top, so now I am going to kill her.  Nobody messes with me.  So I went back to my room and got ready to go to this huge non-alcoholic kegger.  I put on my Mudd jeans and a really tight shirt. No bra. Rubber panties. Me and Jamie went to the kegger at 7:03pm, and we had a blast!  Of course, I didn't drink.  I don't drink, and do you know why?  Because you drink and I will strive to be different from all of you. Why can't you stand me?  Because I can't stand you.  Don't try to be like me.  I am an ever changing quest and you will be setting yourself up for failure.  Those who fail, often learn.  Those who learn, often learn they failed. When I fail I punish myself.  We left the kegger at 8:12 pm.  It was soooooo much fun.  Then me and Jamie had a slumber party!!  While Jamie was sleeping, I heard her say in a dream "Mary Claire, you're crazy."   I got pissed so I cut of all her hair. I even shaved her pussy. Jamie used to be tall, blonde and beautiful, now she tall, bald and looks like Jesse Ventura!!!  Hahahahahahah! Stubble pussy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So anyway, she deserved it, my ex boyfriend once hit on her.  He was such a low life small dick loser.  I used too nag him all the time about all types of things. One time, just for fun, I locked him in my room and sat there and gave him the meanest looks I could manage and told him he wasn't leaving and I wasn't talking to him until he said what I wanted him to say.  After 7 hours and 42 minutes, he figured it out.  I wanted him to say, "should I put your Spice Girls Christmas CD back in its case?"  He was a big jerk and I hate him.  He caused me so much mental anxiety that my breasts stopped producing milk. Here is a poem I wrote for him:

Just For You

Now I remember I can recall everything so perfectly.
I remember all of the heartache and all the things you told me
Promises never kept, lies you always told me.
Did you actually think I bought that?
Do you actually think that was easy to have in my life?
Well, you did it all over again to me today.
And I don't even think you realize what you're doing.
Whatever your goal is, I remember your actions and I always will.
Your words that stung, your unforgettable self.
And I always will remember this about you:
Your dick is really, really small.

Well, that's you intro to me!!!!  I rule!  So anyway, next week I will update you on the ex-boyfriend situation, because this week Mary Claire is going to be on the prowl!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

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