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Officer Dan
by Officer Dan Brennaman
September 16, 1999

It's the back to school season once again. I know, because lately I'm bustin' a lot fewer kids for loitering at the movies and the roller rink. This year, though, back to school is anything but typical. Girls are getting sluttier. Little Janey Skipsalot is now smoking dope and performing oral sex acts in the teachers' lounge and under the desk in my office. Schools are getting tougher. My son is getting stern talkings to by his teachers for making the new Freshmen drink his urine and locking geeks into their lockers. Families are breaking up. Mrs. Normallady is getting a job outside the home and ignoring her husband's laundry and marital needs.

This year, in response to these and many other forces, schools all around the country are getting more secure. We, as Americans, are saying no more, we have had enough of our jocks getting gunned down by the losers they picked on. We are tired of the weak kids lashing out. We are tired of having to tolerate fringe groups and unpopular students in our schools' hallways. It's time for a change; but we have to be careful that the changes we make are the right ones. Take what happened with my son, for instance.

My son plays football, basketball and baseball. He can bench press 280 and he gets straight-A's from his teachers by order of the Athletics Department. In short, he has earned the right to pick on the shrimps. There was this one boy in particular that my son used to like to torment. He'd rough him up in the morning, steal his books in the afternoon, force him to tell the popular girls he was a fag at lunch time, and spit on him during the bus ride home. But ever since all the school shootings, he's been afraid to do any of that, because he's worried that the kid might someday bring a gun to school and shoot him dead. I ask you, is this any way for our children to grow up? In constant fear of the loner, the loser, the retard?

What I want to know is, when will Hollywood stop glorifying nerds with guns in movies like The Matrix? When will popular music stop urging disrespect for cops and morality? When will the major news magazines start showing more frontal female nudity? According to the letters I've received from US and Newsweek, never.

The recent tragedies at Columbine, Jonesboro, Littleton, and Waco should be a wake-up call that American schools are getting more and more dangerous for the popular, athletic, well-adjusted students, and it's time that we, as responsible parents, start arming these kids for their own protection.

Experts in Congress agree; the massacre at Columbine could have been avoided if only someone had had a gun. No one but the shooter would have had to die at Jonesboro. The Branch Davidian compound wouldn't have burned to the ground with all those kids inside if someone had simply fired back. The two shooters at Littleton could have been stopped by their sharp-shooting peers. It's time America wakes up to the times and starts packing more heat.

Taking guns away isn't the answer. You'd just be taking guns out of the hands of decent, law-abiding children and putting them into the hands of the trenchcoat mafia. Further, all the recent mass shootings and staggering gun homicide rate are proof that gun control laws are completely ineffective. The answer is not to pass more ineffective laws, the answer is to repeal existing laws and encourage the purchase of more guns for protection. We need to get every teacher and student armed and trained. Average citizens need to be allowed to carry concealed weapons on the streets and in their cars. Students need to have handguns in their lockers, lunch boxes and desks. It's about time Mr. Average Gunless American realizes just how dangerous people with guns are and buys a gun to protect himself.

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