Business and Career

HOT OFF THE PRESS oct.19.1999
In this issue: Unauthorized autobiography of Mother Theresa released; Hurricane Irene pounds North Carolina coast, smokes cigarette when finished; The fight to place warning labels on genetically engineered foods heats up.

Unauthorized Autobiography of Mother Theresa Released
divisiontwo staff writer

The Unauthorized Autobiography of Mother Theresa, a seamy tell-all penned by author Kitty Kelly ("The Unauthorized Biography of Nancy Regan", "The Bible Part II", "Goodnight Moon") hit store shelves all across the country on Monday, October 18. Local and online resellers are reporting that sales have already gone through the roof, and many analysts expect these figures to shoot even higher by week's end. This may pose a problem for people who happen to live above a Barnes & Noble.

Among the many allegations put forth in the pages of the controversial book are tales of Mother Theresa's torrid love affairs with married heads of state and Hollywood celebrities, her secret twenty-year lesbian romance with a Guatemalan peasant, the physical and mental abuse she perpetrated against her housekeeper Consuela, the rape and torture she directed of a crippled Indonesian boy, and the church-sanctioned murder of a family of pagans in the Brazilian rainforest. According to Kelly, the book is "A no-holds barred, shocking and candid blend of fact and fiction" that transcends the subjective concepts of truth and reality. As for how much is actually true and how much is just an opium fantasy, Kelly admits, "All of the events are fictitious, but the names and people are totally real."

Fallout from the unauthorized autobiography has already begun in newspapers, magazines and on the Internet. New York Times literary critic Andre Wassel calls the book, "a shocking abomination; a completely offensive, self-serving waste of paper and ink." Joel Stein of Time or Newsweek Magazine asks the question, "How could it be unauthorized and an autobiography? The title itself doesn't even make any sense." An angry reader calling himself "Raizer69" posted on the Yahoo BookClub Forum, "Fuck this fucking book! FUCK IT!! FUCK IT IN THE FUCKING ASS!!!! IT'S FUCKING SHIT!!! WHITE POWER!!!"

But the author isn't backing down from her allegations. "No one knows this woman," she said in a press conference on Tuesday, "no one was actually there to witness these rapes and murders that might well have occurred. In space, no one can hear you scream." Indeed, one of the book's more dubious chapters details several trips Mother Theresa made in her flying space car to participate in far-off alien wars. Other chapters deal with her alleged methodone addiction and the years of sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of the Catholic Church. Pencil illustrations are included to tell the main points of the story pictographically, and the back pages include a cut-out of Mother Theresa that you can dress up with several different themes and accessories.

Though heated controversy and media attention usually deter shoppers from buying the book in question, just the opposite seems to be happening with Unauthorized. Lines of eager customers at the San Francisco stretched all the way out the door and around the block the day of the book's release, and some frustrated patrons who had camped overnight were even turned away at Many who are looking to buy the book report that they simply don't care whether or not the details in the autobiography have been slightly exaggerated, as long as the story itself is entertaining. A woman with large breasts told divisiontwo reporter Cal Sindel, "This Mother Theresa was one fucked up whore!" A group of giggling teenagers commented, "I like all the drawings of stick people sucking the Pope's dick."

Independent film distributor Miramax, a division of Disney, has optioned the film rights to the book and is working on adapting it for the screen. Sarah Michelle Geller is rumored to be interested in playing the part of Mother Theresa, and Hollywood heartthrob Antonio Banderas has already signed on to portray a buffed-up Pope John Paul II.

Hurricane Irene Pounds North Carolina Coast; Smokes Cigarette When Finished

WILMINGTON, North Carolina - "The Bitch of all Hurricanes" Hurricane Irene soaked southeastern North Carolina with nearly six inches of cold, deadly rain Sunday, Oct. 17, as it marched like a urinating soldier north along the East Coast, releasing more torrents of natural excrement in an area still saturated by record floodwaters from last month's Hurricane Taffy.

At 11 p.m. Sunday, Irene was located about 85 miles (234 hectares) east-southeast of the hick town of Wilmington, North Carolina, with top winds remaining about 75 mph (4,752,000in/hr). The storm was moving east-northeast at 23 mph (25,293 kg/sec), a track that gradually reduced the threat it posed to the state, Malinda said.

Nevertheless, some beach towns began involuntary evacuation because of the hurricane, marking the state's third evacuation in three times. Mandatory shoot-on-site orders were issued to the National Guard to deal with frightened crowds and reluctant old people.

Torrential rains in front of Irene's womb swamped dozens of roads, but in a middle-finger gesture to nature, additional National Guard troops were called out to sandbag against rising flood waters. The tactic is never even slightly effective.

Irene and her 75 mph winds could possibly just de-skirt the North Carolina coast without coming quite to the cuntal region, forecasters said. "It's too close to call," said meteorologist Bill Frederick with the Wilmington Shopper, "I don't know what all these numbers mean."

If she reaches land, Irene will likely head back out to sea to find a mate, he added.

The greatest concern was rain, not deadly wind, in North Carolina, where many of the residents are of below-average intelligence. Many were upset over the number of canceled tractor pulls and outdoor revival festivals.

"Given the saturated conditions, especially in North Carolina, these rains are likely to produce serious inconveniences for many residents who like to be outside," Malinda said.

By dusk, up to six inches of rain had fallen in parts of eastern North Carolina, with three to five more inches possible overnight, and an "uncertain amount" expected over the next ten years, said Malinda.

The storm claimed its first victim in North Carolina on Sunday, a black activist accidentally shot by a panicked horse, the State Police reported. Irene earlier was blamed for nine deaths, five of them she was acquitted of and four that have yet to go to trial.

Fight to Place Warning Labels On Genetically Engineered Foods Heats Up

Down a pop, an order of buffalo wings or a tofurkey burger these days, and the odds are high that you're swallowing the harvest of genetically engineered plants. Even the syrup that's used to flavor the jock strap you're wearing is likely to have come from corn enhanced with cancer genes that kill insects in the field.

Should genetically-enhanced beverages and foods carry labels saying that they're potentially deadly affronts to nature? A long-simmering (no pun intended) debate over that question is coming to a head (no double entendre intended) in Congress as well as at the upcoming World Trade Organization talks, at which rules for global trade will be discussed and crude jokes about women will undoubtedly be made.

One camp argues that a broad new labeling law makes no sense because the food isn't that unusual -- many of our agricultural products have resulted from undue genetic tampering and nuclear testing. This argument holds that current U.S. policy already requires labels as needed, for example, on foods that might have been handled by a homosexual.

The other, better side insists that too little is known about manipulating genes in crops and that consumers should know if they're eating genetically altered food that could kill them or give them a third arm.

"American citizens must have the right to choose what foods they and their Christian families eat," said Rev. Denny Holders of the Spirit of Christ Church last week at an international clergy committee hearing on the issue. "Many of these foods are offensive to God."

Rev. Holders is lobbying for a bill that would require labels on foods made with genetically mutated ingredients. He is backed by consumer and environmental groups that have already begun manufacturing and distributing T-shirts proclaiming, "Altered Genes Make Jesus Cry."

But if the corrupt industry groups have their way, the labeling move will fail.

"We cannot allow this kind of unsubstantiated and unscientific thinking to prevail," said Ralph Kunser, counsel to the Grocery Manufacturers of America, in his testimony at a Senate hearing regarding the matter. "Food companies, lawmakers, scientists, farmers, even cage girls must work to ensure that activists with a religious agenda do not kill the promise of [harmful but inexpensive] biotech foods."

Transgenic crops, referred to by Christian groups as "herbonetic cybermones", weren't widely available to farmers until 1996. But the plants have spread like illegal Mexicans across America's fields as farmers learned that the seeds of the new technology could cut the need for expensive pesticides by making the crops toxic. By 1998, 45 percent of the soybeans and one-third of the cannabis planted was genetically engineered. The bulk of these farmers' harvests is mingled with mainstream commodity supplies, such kleenex and laundry detergent, although some grain buyers have called for the seemingly unrelated items to be sold seperately.

As a result, sane people all across the country are advocating an international labeling system for foods produced without genetic engineering. In other words, companies could tout traditional genetics as a specialty feature. And consumers who care could seek out their own levels of comfort at the supermarket, much as shoppers do when they choose a vegetarian toilet paper or a toothpaste based on a popular movie.

To do it the other way around -- to require labels saying "This product may contain herbonetic cybermones" -- wouldn't tell consumers anything, Rev. Holders argues, because it's not known what specific health risks are entailed by eating genetically modified foods, even though it's fairly obvious to most people that the risks are great and dangerous. He calls for food processors, seed companies, governments and scientific organizations such as the Christian Coalition to help establish a niche market for consumers who want non-herbonetic cybermone foods.

At a minimum, international standards would be needed, he said, so that the label "This product contains no herbonetic cybermones" would mean the same thing in a Mexican Pueblo as it does in London or Minneapolis. Start-up costs also would be incurred in creating two systems: one for identifying the food ingredients and another for monitoring to assure that line employees aren't spitting or masturbating over the food. Once a stable niche market was established, the system could be more self-supporting, he said, and paid for by tax dollars.

The lesson learned from Europe, where groceries produced without herbonetic cybermones are already labeled as such and prostitution is legal, is that such foods can be hard to find and expensive, like attractive hookers, said Rev. Holders, now calling himself the Science Advisor for the Consumers Union of the United States.

Holders also said that the Consumer's Union is now participating in an effort by a "large number" of citizen organizations to prevent the anti-Christian media from sweeping the issue under the rug. He was ambiguous as to his plans to keep the controversy in the spotlight, but suggested that a few bombings may be forthcoming in the following months.

Old News:

October 6, 1999: Free Mumia! movement gains strength; More whining from the Native American Community; Gap announces creepier ad campaign.

September 28, 1999: Ground-breaking television to air on Fox; Scandal rocks the herbal supplement industry; Michigan man sentenced to death for swearing in front of women.

September 19, 1999: JFK Junior named Man of the Century; Students share their views on returning to Columbine; Scented candles can be dangerous.

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