Outsider's Report
by Tom Tarkinton
September 25, 1999
Well friends, here's all the latest news from Capitol Hill, presented as always in divisiontwo's easily digestible short-attention-span bursts™:
- Man, or Woman-With-A-Penis? Amazon she-beast Janet Reno said two weeks ago that she will be re-opening the investigation into the handling of the tragic Waco siege of 1994. This announcement was prompted by the discovery of new evidence that indicates Reno may have accidentally ordered the compound "torched to the ground," when she meant to say, according the her spokesman, "borched ta-da stround." An understandable mistake, to be sure. But what troubles me about this case is this: I heard from a friend who used to work for Mr./Ms. Reno that she doesn't shave her legs above the knee. That's just gross. And get this woman a haircut, please; him/her/it could use a "Rachel" or a "Madonna" cut, the "Bill Gates" look is soooo over. And while you're at it, buy her a new dress already--she's been wearing that same blue canvas tent since 1993. I use something just like it to cover my car when it rains. We'll have more on Janet Reno's man-ish appearance as the story develops.
- Political Hopefuls: In another bizarre interview with Talk magazine this week, Hillary Clinton announced that if she wins New York's Senate race in 2000, she will complete her term without "smoking any cigars that I used to frig my fat slutty interns" and will then make a bid to run for Mayor of Mexico City. According to the article, Ms. Clinton has never lived in Mexico City, couldn't locate it on a map, couldn't locate a map, couldn't say anything in Spanish other than "Me quiero Taco Bell," and claimed the entire Spanish language was "just like English but with a bit more salsa...¡Arrrrrriba!" When asked if she felt it was somewhat hypocritical to run for political office in a city where she has never lived, and which she publicly stated last week, "has more rats than people, and by 'rats' I mean Mestizos," Ms. Clinton reiterated, "Me quiero Taco Bell." The interview was cut short by Ms. Clinton's craving for a "gordito" and "a soda grande."
- And The Winner Is... What do you get when you cross a horse and a mule? If you answered the frumpy, unattractive presidential daughter Chelsea "Cheesebutt" Clinton, you were right. Right-wing Washington, D.C. magazine The Hill this week named Chelsea "King of the Forest" Clinton to the top of its annual Ugliest People in D.C. List. President and Mrs. Clinton announced they were "kind of outraged" in an interview with token sassy-black-female political reporter Star Jones. "Yes, she's ugly," confessed President Clinton, "but she doesn't even live in D.C." Mrs. Clinton agreed, "I think that the person who tops the Ugliest People in D.C. List should be someone who is actually living in the city. It would be absurd for an outsider to assume a spot on the list." When asked who they thought should top the list instead, Mr. Clinton suggested gender-bender Janet Reno, while Mrs. Clinton named New York City Mayor Rudolph Jiuliani. Jones immediately pointed out that Jiuliani doesn't live in D.C., either, to which Mrs. Clinton called her a "fuckin' nigga bitch" and stormed out. Chelsea Clinton was contacted by divisiontwo via telephone, but was too busy sobbing hysterically to give an audible comment.
- Legal News: Well, the Microsoft anti-trust case has drawn to a close. A verdict is expected any month now. If the judge sides with the U.S. Department of Justice, Microsoft will have to include Netscape Navigator in every retail and OEM version of Microsoft Windows, will have to automatically load Navigator on boot-up, will have to set the Internet Explorer default start page to Netscape Netcenter, will have to include AOL software on the desktop, will have to use Sun Microsystems' Java-based Jini as the new Windows OS kernel, and will have to give half its annual corporate profits to AOL/Netscape and Sun. If the judge sides with Microsoft, however, AOL/Netscape and Sun Microsystems "take it up the ass and call us daddy," according to a Microsoft lawyer. I'll have more on this story in the coming weeks.
- The Lewinsky Scandal: Day 6024: Monica "ask me and I'll do it" Lewinsky made a trip back to Washington, D.C., this week to promote her newest book regarding her adulterous romance with the President, entitled, "It Was Bigger Than You'd Think And Had A Really Purple Head." The book's signing was held at a local Barnes & Noble/Starbucks, and lines stretched almost to the door. Lewinsky was compensated with an XL "barnesandnoble.com" T-shirt and a free cup of Starbucks' $8.00 espresso for her time. She said she was "pleased" that there was such an interest in her fourth book regarding the scandal, and hinted that there may be a fifth in the works. "I haven't even gotten around to describing our assplay yet," she said with a wink and a white, frothy smile. Look for Lewinsky's fifth book on shelves sometime next week.
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