SXE - The Straight-Edge Monthly
By Nathan Joinick
What's up. My name's Nathan Joinick, but I want you to call me Raven. I got asked by the Editor of divisiontwo to write a monthly article talking about my life as a member of the drug/chemical/meat-free youth movement known as Straight-Edge. I said okay to that shit. The job doesn't pay much, but the magazine is giving me a free divisiontwo hat and offered to make the co-payment for my breast reduction, so I was like what the hell? I don't even have breasts, but it sounded like a good deal anyway. The hat is really cool and has a SXE symbol on the back.
I just wanna let you all know up front that I got the Straight Edge. I don't got time for no drugs or no alcohol or no shit like that. I don't understand why some people would wanna sit around and fuck their heads up with that shit. It kills brian cells. And we don't smoke cigarettes unless they're slim. Plus, us in the movement don't eat meat, either, because the animals are often given drugs that are illegal for human consumption. That's right--I bet you didn't know that, did you? Instead, Straight Edgers are all about staying straight, clean, healthy, sober, and beating the living shit outta the smokers, stoners and alkees.
Last night, this guy came up to me for a light, right, and he was all like, "Hey, amigo, got a light?" I told him that no, I was Straight Edge, and he was just like, "What's that shit?" and I'm like, "I'll show you that shit," and then I showed him that shit and kicked the living fuck outta him. I don't care if he was my Spanish teacher; he shouldn't be doing that kind of shit, it ain't healthy.
When me and Max and Josiah get together sometimes things can get a little crazy. I remember one time we firebombed our town's McDonalds in protest of the way they kill animals in the name of "food" and always forget to the put the ketchup in with the fries. Josiah got the recipe for a Molotov Cocktail from the Anarchists Cookbook, and we lit it and threw that shit right through the main window at night. Man, you wouldn't believe that shit! That shit went up faster than that vegetarian deli we did the month before. I'm not exaggerating.
I remember this one girl who we saw smoking a cigarette in the parking lot when we came out of The Matrix last summer. She looked at us and said "hi," and puffed out a breath of stinky smoke in our direction. Max got so pissed he went right up to her, took her cigarette out of her skanky hand and put that shit out on her arm. Other people saw it, so he spent the night in jail for that one, and his sister had to be taken to the hospital for the burns, but it was worth it. I don't think she's smoked a single cigarette that wasn't slim ever since.
At home sometimes my mom asks me what I do with my friends. I don't tell her, not because I'm ashamed or because we're still having circle jerks in the shed or shit like that, but because I don't think she'd understand. She works for Zima Corporation. And my dad works for Coors or some shit like that, so I know they aren't gonna get where I'm coming from. I told them SXE is a dyslexic spelling of SEX, and they seemed to buy that shit. They're so dumb.
Just last night I took a Coors from the fridge and poured that shit down the sink in protest, then I threw the bottle in my neighbor's recycling. My dad'll freak when he finds out one of his beers is gone. He's an alcoholic by the way. He'll probably blame mom again like he always does and hit her and shit, but she deserves it for selling drugs that fuck people's heads. Zima tastes like moldy rotten shit.
But the Straight Edge isn't all about community service and helping people stay off shit. It's about having fun with your friends, too, and shit like that. Sometimes me and my friends get together for a party and we don't drink alcohol or smoke any pot, and then we get bored and go looking for middle-schoolers smoking behind the bus garage and beat the fuck out of as many of them as we can catch. That's always fun shit.
We're also into political graffiti. At the mall we took a black magic marker to a Backstreet Boys poster and drew big hairy dicks in all their mouths. We did the same to an N-Sync poster and some poster with Jesus on it. The fuckin manager caught us and threw us out, so we came back that night and waited for him to come out, then beat the shit out of him and fucked up his car real bad. I heard he had to be taken to the hospital and shit like that.
Anyway, that's what we're all about. Now you know more about us, so you don't have to be afraid when you see us hangin in the parking lot or the food court. Come and say hi. We just want you all to stay clean, stay sober, and stay smart and that shit, and I'll be back here next month with more of what's going on on the Straight Edge of Salt Lake City.
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