Women Should Have the Right to Go Topless in Public
May 25, 2000
During the summer, I work outdoors at the Park's Commission with some buddies of mine. Mainly we mow the lawns on city property, do some landscaping and planting in the parks, and chase little junior high faggots with the weed whackers. About two days ago, right after Nate and I finished burying a cat up to its neck and rolling over it with the tractor, we stripped off our shirts to take some sun and get some relief from the afternoon heat. Eventually, we got to talking about how awesome it would be if women did the same thing we just did when they got hot. Think about it: Lots of sweaty bitches tearing off their sports bras at the track; a group of fuckable ho's rolling around topless in the park; 18-year-old Swedish D-cup triplets running topless through my lawn sprinkler; it would be a major leap forward for the cause of women's rights. Right then Nate and I decided that it would be our mission to repeal all the outdated and sexist laws that deny women the right to go topless in public.
Our male-dominated society has for far too long treated women's bodies like possessions of the State; telling them that they have to wear clothes at all times, that they can't wear crotchless nighties to school, that they can't masturbate in front of me, or that they don't have to get implants if they don't want to. I think a woman should have the right to express her body any way she wants, and to masturbate in front of me if I tell her to. I'm convinced that the only reason we're not seeing more sluts in crotchless nighties at school or in the workplace is because of outdated and outmoded ideas of "gender-appropriate" dress codes. How screwed up is a society that punishes a woman for showing off her tits and snatch? These ridiculous attitudes are like something out of the 1950s, and they need to change before the sexes can ever reach true equality.
Therefore, I propose that any woman who is at least a B cup should be required to take her shirt off on a hot day, a "hot day" being defined as any sunny day. But I don't want to see any fat bitches walking around with rolls hanging over their jeans, though, and neither does Nate, so we'd need to set up an inspection committee and licensing process before this new law goes into effect. Nate and I could probably handle the inspections ourselves, as long as the lawmakers agree to iron out all the technical details, like how much girl-girl topless roughhousing should be required for a woman to keep her license, and so forth.
I think that if a woman is an A-cup and still wants to go topless, she should be mandated to get implants or at least wear some sort of prosthetic jugs that makes her look bigger. There's this one bitch named Paula in my class who's so flat that she looks like a little boy -- it's fucking nasty. I teased her about being a lesbo so much that she finally let me fuck her to prove me wrong. Whatever; she's still a lesbo until she does something about those flat tits, and I'm not into seeing others like her frolicking topless through my lawn sprinkler, blocking my view of the Swedish triplets.
And no way should any woman over 30 be allowed to go topless in public; it just isn't right. Their tits are too saggy, and plus Nate and I don't want to see our moms going around showing off their ta-tas. Fucking nasty! Nor should my girlfriend be allowed to go topless in public; I won't have her being treated like property or being leered at by a bunch of horny guys like me.
So I call on you, the reader, to help me make this change. Write letters to your local Senators and Congressmen in support of female toplessness. In this new millennium, let us all finally recognize that a woman's body is a beautiful work of art, and should be on display for all men to see and touch and smell and experience whenever we want. If women are ever to be truly equal in our culture, outdated laws that force women to hide their bodies and wear tops in public need to change.
Previous columns by this author:
- True Life Story - My girlfriend made me hit her.
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