What's HOT and what's NOT for Back-2wo-School
divisiontwo staff writer
This season, there's one word that's on every teen's lips: Internebulification. With that in mind, I present to you this list of all that's hot and not in 1999 back-to-school fashions.
Vests: This year, it's all about the vests. Popular gay outfitter Old Navy offers many styles and colors of the same vest, all of which are affordable enough to buy with the money you stole from mom's purse. She won't even notice. Old Navy isn't the only vest supplier out there, however. The Gap, often affectionately referred to as "overpriced Wal-mart" by teens in the know, offers many styles of vests in one unconfusing color for the conformist teen with money to burn. Representatives from both stores recommend wearing at least three vests per week on a Monday-Wednesday-Friday rotation, with two other vests in between for variety. On Saturdays and Sundays, Old Navy even offers a special weekend vest that it claims to be good enough for church or the local gay sodomy bar.
Kimonos: They're not just for chinks anymore. This season, every girl and every guy will be wearing an A&F kimono, says fashion guru and game warden Suri Sukitaki. Kimonos are versatile, practical, reversible, and sheer enough to show off your erect nipples on a cold day. Old Navy suggests that the guys not wear anything underneath unless they "have something to hide," but says girls may choose to wear something from Old Navy under the kimono to protect the trouble spots in case it gets windy.
Edible Underwear: And you thought they were for the skanks. These wear-once gelatin-based undergarments have become all the rage with teens as well as health-conscious parents as they are just as fashionable as they are nutritious. After wearing, simply eat. DO NOT WASH - THEY WILL DISSOLVE. Practical everyday wear outfitter Spencer's offers them in three flavors: Strawberry, lemon, and chocolate. A warning printed on the packaging cautions that the garments are not to be worn by anyone whose body temperature is over 60 degrees Fahrenheit, as the heat may cause them to melt, stick to or permanently stain the skin. Edible underwear are not meant for sports.
Wranglers: You don't have to be a cowboy to get the blues. These package-hugging, ass-cupping, touch-me-and-I-say-ooooh classic denims have been popular with the grizzled Southwestern cowboy set for well over a century, and have been a must-have for gay pretend cowboys for decades. This season, they're becoming popular with the affluent, pot-smoking, binge drinking, groin-scratching, dick wanking preppie set. They are very affordable, too; a fat and sassy black woman can stuff several pairs under her baggy coat and walk right out of K-mart or Target unseen. Wrangler recommends the jeans for teens with nice asses that they want to show off.
Fitted Baseball Caps: The boorish fratboy/white-trash redneck look is coming to a mall near you. Fitted baseball caps stand proudly and proclaim "I AM" a wannabe dumbass. Wear it forwards for the classic look or turn it backwards for a look that says, "Fuck yeah, man, fuckin' awesome." Nothing goes with a pickup truck, a blond skank, a too-tight tank top and a developing pot-belly quite like a fitted cap. Limited-edition "Go Columbine" fitted caps are currently available from Nike.
Kevlar Heat Mittens: Why on earth would any self-respecting teen want to be seen in mittens so big and heavy that he can't even wipe his own ass without calling a teacher to help? Here's a tip: Forget the mittens, Pedro, unless you're shoveling coal into the school furnace or making homemade crack in your own coke oven. Go buy a vest instead.
The Playtex Invisible Bra: This ill-conceived product looks to us like a metaphorical version of the emporer's new clothes. According to the box, this bra is "so light and sheer it can't be seen or felt without infrared goggles or an electron gun." According to divisiontwo teen advice columnist Armelda Simone, it's "an empty box with some sawdust inside." However, The National Bra Inspection Association of America (consisting mainly of straight middle-aged football fans who like fighter jets and Cheetos), gives the Playtex Invisible Bra its coveted Seel [sic] of Approval. We say, don't waste your $89.50.
Nix-Treated Boxers: These boxer shorts that are specially treated with Nix lice shampoo are supposed to allow for a "Healthy, consequence-free trisexual lifestyle -- do it with boys, girls, and Mexicans" according the company's advertising. The medicated fabric is supposed to allow for promiscuous sexual activity without the worry of crab lice that is usually a consequence of having sex with someone other than a family member. Our staff tried them, and several of us had to be taken to the emergency room for third-degree burns on our genitalia. Paco in Maintenance even lost his penis. (A donor penis from a cadaver has been attached in its place and is fully functional.) We say wait on these lice-killer boxers until the company gets the bugs worked out. Hilarious pun intended.
Cataractacts: These opaque contact lenses from Bausch & Lomb are meant to cover the iris of your eye with a cloudy white sheeth making it appear to others that your eyes are rolled back into your head like a zombie. That's cool, but the downside is that it's impossible to see while wearing these things. I alone killed two people on my drive to work today, and Armelda killed three. We weren't wearing the contacts, but that's not what we're telling the insurance company. Our verdict is to wait on the Cataractacts until a see-through version becomes available.
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