Ask the OB/GYN

with Dr. Sebastian Coleman

October 21, 1999




Dear Dr. Coleman,

I am 22 and have been getting bladder infections regularly since I was 18.
What causes a bladder infection, how can I keep from getting them, and
what are the most effective treatments for dealing with this problem? Any
advice you could give would really help.

Thanks a bunch,

Jenna

Sadly, bladder infections are very common among young women your age. Before you go blaming yourself for your condition and calling yourself a dirty whore, it's important to realize that you may be getting these infections through no fault of your own. First let's start off with a little background.

Often times, a "bladder infection" is a mistaken diagnosis for the symptoms of Cystitis. It is important to distinguish the two, as they are completely unrelated with different causes and different treatments.

CYSTITIS:

Cystitis has nothing to do with the bladder and is not, by definition, an infection. In fact, it isn't even classified as an illness, since it only affects women. Cystitis occurs when a woman goes without douching for more than a few days at a time, or douches with something other than a 1:4 vinegar and peroxide blend. Douching with orange juice has been found to lead to increased risk for Cystitis, as has douching with cranberry juice, grape juice, Lipton Brisk Iced Tea, and cream soda. Cystitis occurs in unouched cunts as tiny spiders and ants seek out the vaginal region and nest inside, attracted by the moist warmth it provides. This nesting process often occurs when the woman is sleeping, so she isn't entirely aware of it, or if she is, she ignores it because she likes how it tickles. The reason douching with flavored beverages is not recommended is because insects and sometimes even small mice are attracted by the sugary smell, and the nourishment increases their ability to multiply. Whether your particular problem is Cystitis caused by ants and spiders or a genuine bladder infection is impossible for me to tell unless you send me pictures of your vagina. (divisiontwo@yahoo.com) Be sure to hold it wide open and maybe even have a trusted girlfriend place her tongue next to it for scale.

So how do you know if you have Cystitis? There are many symptoms associated with Cystitis, and you may select any two from the following list:

Burning and stinging upon urination.

Frequent urination, especially at night, into the bathroom sink.

Increased urge to urinate in public.

Rumbling bladder.

Blood in the urine.

Blood in the semen.

Eggs in the urine.

PMS.

Disco fever.

Bad-tasting urine.

Paranoia.


Treatment of Cystitis:

The treatment for Cystitis if a two-step process. The first part is the extermination of existing insects, and the second is preventing against future infestations.

To exterminate an existing infestation:

  • Purchase a can of Raid for Gardenstm from your local retailer.
  • Remove all clothing and lie on your back.
  • Have a trusted girlfriend spray the contents of the can into your jewelry box; it will help reduce your embarrassment if she is naked too, and you both are wearing high heels.
  • Make facial expressions and moaning noises that express what you're feeling.
  • Videotape the entire process and send it to me at divisiontwo@yahoo.com so I can verify it was done correctly.

To prevent against a future infestation:

  • Douche your jewelry box at least twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed, with a 1:4 vinegar and peroxide mixture.
  • Spray your jewelry box with Deep Woods Offtm every night before bed.
  • Take pictures of your vagina once a month and send them to me at divisiontwo@yahoo.com for a regular inspection and check-up.

BLADDER INFECTIONS:

Cases of bladder infections are far more rare than cases of Cystitis, and usually occur in members of a lower socioeconomic class or a culture with lax hygiene standards, such as the French. A "bladder infection" is an inflammation or infection of the urinary bladder, as distinguished from the fecal bladder. In cases of a bladder infection, both the bladder and urethra are involved. Bladder infections can affect both sexes and all ages, but are far more common in dirty French females.

Bladder infections are most often caused by a woman touching her bladder with unwashed hands. In fact, an article in JAMA recently estimated that 90% of bladder infection cases could be prevented by a woman simply washing her hands before handling her urethra or bladder. Another common way that a woman can contract a bladder infection is by engaging in urethral sex with a man who has an unwashed penis. If you regularly engage in urethral sex, it is important that the man either wear a condom or wash his penis thoroughly before an encounter. Do not engage in urethral sex more than three times per week; the urethra needs time to scar over and return to its normal size.

Symptoms of bladder infections include (check all that apply):

Lack of interest in sports.

Loss of appetite after meals.

Daytime sleeplessness.

Monthly vaginal bleeding.

Job stress.

Occasional frustration.

Moist tongue.

Sexual thoughts.


Treatment of Bladder Infections:

There are no known treatments for bladder infections. Bladder infections are for life. Claritin-D is recommended to help suppress occasional outbreaks, and an over-the-counter cough suppressant like Robitussin can help with the sore throat, stuffy nose and cough. If dizziness occurs, drive to the hospital immediately.

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