Bizz Buzz
$$$ HOW TO GET RICH QUICK! $$$
By Ted McOwens
September 26, 1999
Look, everybody, just take 5 minutes to read this article. That's all it takes. Ten little minutes that could change your life forever. This is quick and easy, definitely worth the minimal effort. Before you know it you'll be ROLLING IN THE DOUGH!!!
REMEMBER- There are MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of lonely people out there all over the WORLD reading this site. (If we ALL help each other out we can get RICH off the stupid ones!!!)
THIS REALLY DOES WORK!!!! It only cost me the postage, a multimedia-equipped computer with a fast modem, an account with a local ISP, five hundred one dollar bills and five hundred envelopes. Practically free!
So let's get started! I've got some gnarly news that I think you need to take twenty minutes to read if you have ever been in serious debt, needed cash in a hurry, been late on your child support payments, found yourself horny but without money for whores, or been ready to do almost anything to get the cash needed to pay off those crack dealers and bookies. So grab a snack, a warm cup of coffee, a vibrator, and a glass of your favorite beverage (something alcoholic preferable), and get comfortable and listen to this interesting, exciting find! (Well, don't LISTEN, silly! READ IT!)
Let me start by saying that I FINALLY FOUND IT! That's right! I found it! IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN MY SOCK DRAWER ALL ALONG!!!
That off my chest, back to the issue: I LOVE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!! I love those schemes like multi-level marketing, mail-order schemes, envelope stuffing scams, 900 number scams... the list goes on forever. I have tried every darn get rich quick scheme out there over the past 12 years. Some say I'm pathetic. So I say to them, "It takes one to know one!" And then they usually either spit on me or kick me and walk away.
Let me backtrack a little.
When I was a teenager, these claims to 'get me rich quick' sounded irresistible! I would shell out $14.95 here, $29.95 there, $24.95 here, and another $49.95 there...all on cheap hookers and beer. It was a very low time in my life.
But then I came to know Christ. I accepted him into my life and asked him to reveal the one true path to me. He said, "Ted, don't waste your time with those cheap diseased second-rate whores. I've got something that will make you SO RICH SO FAST that you'll be able to afford any woman you want!"
And I said, "Really Jesus?" And he said, "Damn straight, bitch!"
The next day I was scanning through a NEWSGROUP and saw an article stating to GET CASH FAST!! I thought..."Here on the Internet?? Well, I'll just have to see what scams could possibly be on the Internet." Little did I know that these were EXCELLENT scams. But they were more than that. These were actual money-making careers sanctioned by Jesus himself!
The newsgroup article described a way to MAIL A ONE DOLLAR BILL TO ONLY FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE AND MAKE $50 IN CASH WITHIN 4 WEEKS! Well, the more I thought about it, the more I became very curious. Why? Because of the way it worked AND BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY COST ME FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS (AND FIVE HUNDRED STAMPS) (AND FIVE HUNDRED ENVELOPES) AND THAT'S ALL I EVER PAY....EVER!! Ok, so the $50 in cash was maybe a tough amount to reach, but it was possible. I knew that I could at least get a return of $1 or so. So I did it!! As per the instructions in the article, I mailed out ("snail mail" for you e-mail fanatics) a single dollar bill to each of the five hundred people on the list that was contained in the article. I included a small note with the dollar, that stated "Tell me what you want -- Darkman." I then removed the first position name of the five names listed and moved the number three position name down to the number five position name slot and flip-flopped the number two and number four position names and added the previously sixth position off-list name into the number one position name slot. SIMPLE!!! This is how the money starts rolling in! I then took this revised article now with my name on the list and REPOSTED IT ON AS MANY NEWSGROUPS AND LOCAL BULLETIN BOARD MESSAGE AREAS THAT I KNEW. I then waited to watch the money come in...prepared to maybe receive about $10 to $15 in cash or checks... But what a welcome surprise when those envelopes kept coming in!!! I knew what they were as soon as I saw the return addresses from people all over the world. THEY WERE SUMMONS! Most were from the U.S., but some from Canada, even some from Austria, Siam, Prussia, and West Germany! I tell you, THAT WAS EXCITING! It was all I could do to keep from ejaculating right there! I GOT TO APPEAR IN COURT ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! So how much did I get in total return? $10 $15 Not even!!! I received a total of $16!!! I couldn't believe it!! And now after almost 8 months (in prison), I am out and ready to do it again!!!
So maybe it was possible to get $50 in cash, I don't know, but IT COMPLETELY DEPENDS ON YOU, THE INDIVIDUAL, THE ONE, NATURAL ONE, TAKE IT EASY. You must follow through and repost this article everywhere you can think of! Newsgroups, airports, bus stations, public restroom stalls, EVERYWHERE!!! The more postings you achieve will determine how much hatemail and letter bombs will arrive in your very own mailbox!! It's just too easy to pass up!!!
Let's review the reasons why you should do this:
1. I gave you my word that it works.
2. Jesus gave his life so it would work.
What more do you need?
And the only cost factors are for the five hundred stamps, the five hundred envelopes and the five hundred one dollar bills that you send out to the listed names by snail mail (US Postal Service Mail). Then just simply repost the article (WITH YOUR NAME ADDED) to all the newsgroups and local BBS's you can. Then sit back and enjoy walking (you can run if you like, but a slow steady jog is best for cardiovascular reasons) down your driveway to your mailbox and scoop up your rewards!! We all have five hundred dollars to put into such an easy effortless investment with SPECTACULAR REALISTIC RETURNS OF $15 to $25 in about 3-5 weeks! So HOLD OFF ON THOSE LOTTERY NUMBERS FOR TODAY, EAT AT HOME TONIGHT INSTEAD OF TAKEOUT FROM McDONALDS OR ONE OF THOSE CHINK RESTAURANTS AND INVEST FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS IN THIS AMAZING MONEY MAKING SYSTEM NOW!!! YOU CAN'T LOSE!! JESUS GIVES YOU HIS WORD!!!
So how do you do it exactly, you ask? I have carefully provided the most detailed, straightforward, comprehensive, unobtrusive, comprehensive, and streamlined instruction manual on a multimedia CD-ROM for Windows. (Available from divisiontwo for $49.95) SO, ARE YOU READY TO MAKE SOME CASH!!!?? HERE WE GO!!!
*** THE LIST OF NAMES IS AT THE END OF THIS ARTICLE. ***
OK, Read this CAREFULLY. DON'T LOOK AWAY EVEN FOR A SECOND. I'LL KNOW IF YOU DO. Get a printout of this information, if you like, so you can easily refer to it as often as needed. OR COPY IT DOWN WITH A PENCIL. OR BLOOD IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PENCIL.
*******************INSTRUCTIONS:*************************************
1. Take a sheet of paper and write on it the following: "Tell me what you want -- Darkman". This creates a phony service out of this money making scam, thus making it still illegal, but more fun. You are not just randomly sending a dollar to someone, you are randomly sending one dollar TO FIVE HUNDRED COMPLETE STRANGERS! Make sure you include your name and address and at least one credit card number for verification. I assure you that, again, this is completely illegal! For a neat little twist, you can also write "I'M WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW" just to add some suspense! This is all about having fun and making money at the same time!
2. Now fold this sheet of paper around a dollar bill, once on each corner, then flip and repeat and put them into an envelope and lick the envelope with a wet tongue (preferably your own) and seal the envelope and put it in your mailbox and put the little flag up and send it on its way to the five hundred people listed. The folding of the paper around the bill will insure its arrival to its recipient.
THIS STEP IS IMPORTANT!!3. Now listen carefully, here's where you get YOUR MONEY COMING TO YOUR MAILBOX. Look at the list of first five people; remove the first name from position one and move position three to position four and the previous position four to position two and the previous position five to either position six or position one and then move everyone on the list up one slot on the list unless the number two spot is occupied by the previous number three name or the number two slot and the number one slot have been reciprocated. In such an event, the old position two slot will now move to the position one slot, and position three will now become position six, four will be two, and five will be one. Now put your name, address, zipcode and country in position seven. Get it? If not, you can get a more detailed description of this process on CD-ROM. (Available for only $49.95 from divisiontwo.)
4. Now upload this updated file to as many newsgroups and local bulletin board message areas & file sections as possible. Give a catchy description of the file so it gets noticed!! Such as: "NEED FAST CASH?, HERE IT IS!" or "HOT PICS OF UNDERAGE TEENS HERE!", etc. And the more uploads, the more money you will make, and of course, the more money the others on the list will make off you. LET'S ALL TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER BY BEING HONEST AND BY PUTTING FORTH 120 PERCENT INTO THIS PROFITABLE & AMAZING SCAM!!!
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It really is THIS EASY! Just take a LITTLE TIME when you can to post your revised message to new groups (and old ones). If you DON'T stop neither will the MONEY! After you get started POSTING, it becomes FUN to keep doing it thinking about HOW MANY people you have pissed off and scammed out of five hundred dollars (and $49.95 for the CD-ROM available from divisiontwo).I have just added my name, and for the next couple weeks I will not stop reposting this EVERYWHERE I go on the INTERNET (SO FUCK YOU ALL!). This is HOW the MONEY is MADE after you send the money to ME and the five names on the list. (Just read the simple instructions above or order the CD-ROM for only $49.95 from divisiontwo.) Then keep posting everywhere!
REMEMBER to keep ALL the names you get in the mail in a box somewhere, perhaps under your bed, in the freezer, maybe behind the toilet, in the flour, or under the flour bed behind the toilet in the walk-in freezer, because this is your list and this is what will be used against you in a court of law. A full ducumentation of the legality of this process is included on the CD-ROM ($49.95 from divisiontwo).
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THE NAMES LIST THE NAMES LIST THE NAME LIST
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* HONESTY IS WHAT MAKES THIS PROGRAM SUCCESSFUL!!! VERY SUCCESSFUL!!!** 1. T. McOwens
* 1034 Lay Blvd.
* Mt. Shasta, CA 96067
* USA
*
* 2. Ted D. McOwens
* 1034 Lay Blvd.
* Mt. Shasta, CA 96067
* USA
*
* 3. Jennifer McOwens
* c/o Ted McOwens
* 1034 Lay Blvd.
* Mt. Shasta, CA 96067
* USA
*
* 4. Ted Donald
* 1034 Lay Blvd.
* Mt. Shasta, CA 96067
* USA
*
* 5. T. Donald McOwens
* P.O. Box 93
* Mt. Shasta, CA 96067
* USA
GOOD LUCK! BUENO SUERTE! FELIZ NAVIDAD! VOY A MATARTE!
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NOTE:
Try to keep a list of everyone that sends you a dollar and always keep an eye on the local schoolboys... Just to make sure that everyone is playing the game fairly.It's ten o'clock...Do you know where your name should be?
*** AGAIN, HONESTY IS THE BEST THING WE HAVE GOING FOR US ON THIS PLAN.
*** By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with your name in the list and not sending the money to the people already included, you will get the same amount of money as you would if you had done this honestly ($0).
***CHEATERS WILL BE PUNISHED BY ME AND MY GIANT MANSERVANT IVAN!!!!
Discretely,
Ted McOwens
Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of divisiontwo.shlomifish.org.