Cucumber Found in Dormitory Shower; Lesbian Activity Suspected
ST. PAUL, MN -- A quiet all-girls dormitory on the conservative Catholic St. Paul campus of the University of St. Thomas was rocked this past week when a large cucumber was found deserted in one of the building's basement shower stalls. Valerie JoLarson, a sophmore living on campus this summer to complete an independent project for her
Biblical Engineering major, discovered the cucumber last Wednesday morning while enjoying her usual morning shower. "I was looking up at the ceiling while washing my breasts and thighs to avoid seeing any of my evil parts when I felt my foot brush against something long and hard," JoLarson reported. "I looked down expecting to find one of the school's waterproof shower Bibles, but instead I saw the cucumber."
JoLarson, shaken, immediately fled from the shower and dialed campus security from a hallway emergency phone to report the incident. When security arrived, JoLarson was found wandering the basement hallway sobbing in shock, her breasts and thighs still soapy from the incident. "Ms. JoLarson was so frightened, she hadn't had time to rinse the lather from her firm, ripe bosom and her fertile thighs," said chief of St. Thomas Security Ron Mitchell. "She was covered in nothing more than a thin, white campus towel that clung to her moistened flesh like a wet Kleenex. I was so horrified I had to sit down for a few minutes."
News of the incident quickly spread across campus, as did speculation that "lesbians" (female walking undead) may be living among the conservative student body of St. Thomas.
Campus security sectioned off the area and notified local police, who began an investigation immediately. Both the shower stall and JoLarson's cold, trembling body were photographed extensively and dusted for fingerprints. Authorities reported that as of yesterday, while they do know that the cucumber was taken from the St. Thomas cafeteria late Tuesday evening, they still do not know if they are looking for one lesbian or a group of lesbians. Officials say there is preliminary evidence to suggest a group of lesbians may be using the basement shower stall as a nighttime meeting place to perform satanic sex acts with the phallic vegetable discovered by JoLarson.
University of St. Thomas President Rev. Dennis Dease issued a statement to the press downplaying the incident and promising swift action against any students or staff involved in it. "This is an isolated occurrence on our conservative campus," he said in his statement, "and while I am just as preoccupied by the notion of girl-girl sex in our cramped, steamy shower stalls as anyone else, I am not ready to initiate a witch hunt at this time." Although insisting that to date there has been little to no evidence of lesbian activity on campus, Dease did, however, warn students to be cautious of any female seen on campus listening to an Ani Difranco CD, driving a Subaru, or frigging another girl with a cucumber. "Remote as the possibility may be," he said, "I'd rather err on the side of reactionary intolerance than be blindsided by a group of underground lesbian terrorists."
In the mean time, the St. Thomas administration has issued a newsletter detailing the incident and calming worried students, many of whom are afraid to go near showers now that the threat of underground lesbian terrorists has hit home. One student, wishing to remain anonymous, commented, "Some of the girls are so scared that they haven't showered in almost a week…it's like living in Europe." Other students, having read in the newsletter that a penis is to a lesbian what garlic is to a vampire, have opted to shower with a male friend or group of male friends until the crisis is over. "I never shower alone anymore," said Misty VanTassel, a senior living on campus this summer. "It's a very scary time to be a girl showering on campus, but luckily all of the guys have been really eager to help."
Many areas in the upper Midwest have seen an increase in lesbian activity in recent months, and lesbian arrests in Minnesota are up 23% overall since 1998. The St. Paul Police Department reports that the increase is likely due to lesbians traveling north from Chicago, attracted by the state's generous welfare benefits.
Anyone with videotaped evidence of lesbian activity is asked to contact the St. Paul Police Department immediately.