Gay News:
Special Rights on the Homosexual Agenda
by Eric Talbet
October 24, 1999

As any heterosexual who watches The 700 Club knows, gay political groups are constantly petitioning federal, state and local governments for more "rights" to protect their sadomasochistic lifestyle. These "gay militias" are highly organized, efficient, and deadly. Their venom is invariably lethal within two hours of contact; your children may be dead before you even reach the hospital. They can camouflage themselves into their background and strike with blinding speed, often when and where you least expect it. They usually feed off small mice and squirrels, but have been known to attack humans when provoked.

I can't for the life of me figure out why a man would want to let another man stick his penis into his rectum.

Granting special rights to these and other subversives may seem harmless at first to stoned liberals, but conservatives know the truth: For every single right that is granted to a homosexual, one right is taken away from millions of heterosexuals. For example:

Case Hypothetical: Homosexuals are protected from discrimination in the workplace.
Result: Employers lose the right to fire employees whose political views and lifestyle they find personally offensive.

Case Hypothetical: Homosexuals are protected from discrimination in public schools.
Result: Heterosexual students lose the freedom to choose whom they wish to beat up and taunt.

Case Hypothetical: Homosexuals are granted the right to legal marriage.
Result: Heterosexuals lose the right to use public laundromats.

Case Hypothetical: Homosexuals are granted the right to make long distance phone calls.
Result: Your phone bill goes up as lines begin to jam with lispy chatter.

Case Hypothetical: Homosexuals are granted the right to donate blood.
Result: The nation's blood supply outstrips demand, and inflation begins, increasing the cost of blood for everybody.

Further, most gay militias aren't satisfied with mere equality, they are in fact lobbying Congress for rights well beyond those of heterosexuals. These include but are not limited to:

  • The right to murder.
  • The right to rape children.
  • The right to drive while drunk/high.
  • The right to masturbate on playgrounds during daylight hours.
  • The right to use public toilets.
  • The right to kiss in public spaces.
  • The right to hold hands in public view.
  • The right to dress up as Resusci-Annie and do cocaine in airports.

So now you're probably as alarmed as I was when I first read these facts in Modern Christian Magazine in 1973, and you're asking yourself, what can I do to stop the decay? The most important thing to do is say something about it; don't sit silently and watch it happen, shaking your head and saying, "What's this world coming to? Why are my daughters kissing each other? What happened to Mittens?" Wake up: They know what happened to Mittens. And they're waiting to do it to you.

Once you're ready to act, it's best to act with a strategic plan, just like when playing Clue. Don't wander aimlessly from the Dining Room to the Library and back to the Conservatory, accusing Ms. Scarlet with the lead pipe in the Gazebo over and over again; you can't win that way. Think things out first, come up with a game plan, and then put it into effect quietly but with deadly force. Silent but deadly: It's the only way to win.

Here's what I suggest: First, write complaint letters to local and national gay militias. Let them and their leaders know that there are concerned citizens like yourself who disagree with their sick love and their plans for world domination. These letters should be clear, firm, and to the point, and should contain some form of explosive or infectious disease such as Anthrax.

If I ever saw a man kiss another man I'd probably puke.

Second, get a group together and protest, protest, protest. Search the papers to find a gay funeral going on near your town; protesting funerals is the most useful thing you can do, and the family and friends in attendance are often too stricken with grief to fight back. It is important that they know you oppose a gay man or woman having lived at all, and especially having one buried next to straight people. To make your point, whip up some cardboard signs with catchy magic-marker slogans such as, "God Hates Gays," "John 3:11" or "Gay People Have Anal Sex."

Third, keep a close eye on the neighborhood. Form a neighborhood watch and a patrol group who can monitor the community for signs of homosexual deviance. Watch the playground for boys playing girl games like red rover or four square. Watch the baseball fields for girls wearing pants and caps. Watch the grocery stores for men buying tofu. Watch the liquor stores for women buying beer. Watch the streets for men driving compacts or women driving pick-ups. Check your upstairs closets for people hiding inside.

Okay, so you think there may be a gay living in your neighborhood, what then? First, be sure. Look for physical evidence and warning signs: Is your garbage can spilled over every morning? Do you hear scratching or scurrying noises in your walls? Are there teeth marks on your mailbox or fenceposts? Is there feces in your yard that isn't your own? If the answer to any of these is yes, then you've probably got a gay problem. Place a Cher or Madonna CD underneath a box held up by a stick. When the gay moves in to investigate, he will knock the stick out of place and the box will come crashing down, trapping him. Subdue the gay and bring it to the local authorities for further study and testing. Wash hands when finished, and burn the stick and box used. Check your body thoroughly for mites.

Two women, now that's kind of hot to think about, but two men is pretty revolting.

*Eric Talbet is divisiontwo's Multicultural Living columnist as well as divisiontwo's voice of the gay community.

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