Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes
September 19-25, 1999
Taurus: You have been feeling unsatisfied lately. Perhaps a new sexual partner is what you need. Just don't let your current partner find out. Pluto will be in disjunction with Saturn on Wednesday, so you will be especially fertile. Don't get caught up in old traditions; make a clean break with your family and current friends. Get an unlisted number and leave no forwarding address.
Capricorn: Your life is crumbling around you and you feel powerless to stop it. Everywhere you look, things are spiraling out of control toward the black abyss of chaos. You've been lonely for a long time and it looks as though that will continue for the foreseeable future. Working out won't make you more attractive.
Aries: Spend a lot of money on something frivolous this week. Break something that isn't yours. Try to steal a few pens or some chapstic from a discount store. Get drunk in the morning before driving the kids to school. Expose yourself to an elderly stranger. Masturbate in a public place.
Sagittarius: You will be feeling especially generous this week. Take the opportunity to volunteer at church or the local shelter. Do something nice for a loved one. Buy a card or gift for a family member. Help a coworker in need. Share your dreams with someone who will listen. Rescue an animal from the pound. Anal sex play can be dangerous.
Horse: When the cleaning bug hits mid-week, go all out. You will finally be able to get your life in order. Throw out all those old bank statements. Take the newspaper bundles to the recycling center. Put that pair of underwear with the pee stains into the garbage once and for all. Disinfect dildos and buttplugs. Rinse the dishes with bleach. Vacuum a neighbor's living room while they're at work. Because of the skewed position of Ursus, you will feel an urge to do something new and a little dangerous on Thursday. Try going without shoes in a men's restroom. Consider dropping the kids off in an unfamiliar city to see if they can make it home.
Aquarius: Ardonis is extending the financial olive branch. Grab it! Accuse a coworker of harassment or racism; the financial benefits could be astronomical. Your memory will be especially sharp early in the week, so you may be able to recall some repressed false memories of ritual abuse--your parents have deep pockets. Take a crude picture of your genitalia and post it online.
Leo: Venus and Mars will be in conjunction this week, making it likely that a loved one will be killed. Don't let sales people push you into buying something you don't want. You'll need that money to pay for your loved one's funeral. Try adding more stripes to your wardrobe.Virgo: It's up to you to get the success you deserve. The brass ring is within your reach. Don't let work-related commitments or family concerns stand in your way. Skip your daughter's dance recital. Take off your top if you get hot in the grocery store. Don't be afraid to ask to use a stranger's shower. When love comes calling, open your jeans, not your wallet. That itching down there isn't going to go away on its own.