The Man-to-English Dictionary by Katherine Zhweigher

Most women know all too well that men speak a completely different language than they do. I, for example, speak English, while my husband speaks only Cantonese. It is with this gender distinction in mind that I submit to you ladies out there the Man-to-English Dictionary, intended to make a life a little easier for you by making men's words a little less mysterious.

· "I couldn't find that thing you asked me to look for."
Translation: "It's under something."

· "Were out of milk."
Translation: "It's behind something."

· "I'll pick up the kids."
Translation: "I'll pick up the beer, and if I have time, the kids."

· "No, you don't look fat in that, honey."
Translation: "I'm tired of sleeping on the lawn, can't I please be allowed back into the big bed?"

· "I couldn't fix it."
Translation: "I didn't try to fix it because I was busy holding my dick and watching football."

· "Yes, dear."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

· "Come here, I want to cuddle."
Translation: "I know you won't blow me if I don't act all romantic first."

· "I love you."
Translation: "Put your mouth on my dick."

· "Let's spend the day at home."
Translation: "Make me a sandwich and get me a beer. The game's on in five minutes."

· "I know exactly where we're going."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…"

· "Is your friend Jenny coming along?"
Translation: "Would she be interested in a threesome?"

· "I don't know if I'm ready for kids yet."
Translation: "I don't want to fuck a fat pregnant cow."

· "Is my hair thinning?"
Translation: "If you say yes, I'll be impotent for a month."

· "When am I gonna meet your parents?"
Translation: "Is your mom hot?"

· "Marry me."
Translation: "Do my dishes, wash my laundry, clean my house, raise my kids and satisfy my constant sexual cravings for the rest of your sad life."

· "You are the only girl for me."
Translation: "Except for Rica, Sherry, Paula, that girl from the Safeway, and that blow-up doll I think you don't know about."

· "Am I the best lover you've ever had?"
Translation: "If you say no, you're a stinky whore."

· "I love your naked body."
Translation. "I'm not gay. I'm NOT!"

· "What do you want to do today?"
Translation: "Let's stay at home and watch the game, and maybe I'll let you blow me during half-time."

· "I'm going out with my buddies tonight."
Translation: "We're gonna drink beer, watch a porno, go to a strip club, and maybe even get a cheap hooker to rim us. Don't wait up."

· "Okay, we don't have to have sex. Let's just hold each other and kiss."
Translation: "When is that damn tequila gonna kick in?"

· "You mean the world to me."
Translation: "Lick my sweaty ball sack."

· "I'm not interested in making our relationship physical just yet."
Translation: "I'm gay, and I'm just going out with you because my mom made me."

· "I'm not in the mood right now."
Translation: "Get off my lap, you're blocking the TV."

· "You're beautiful."
Translation: "Duhhh…my dick…duhhh…oh yeah...rub it faster...duhhh...that feels good..."

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