HOT OFF THE PRESS

HOT OFF THE PRESS oct.1.2000
In this issue: McGruff takes bite out of crime; Area couple overly affectionate in presence of third wheel; Target shoppers expect more, pay less.

After twenty years of tough talk and relatively little action, McGruff the Crime Dog (pictured at left) has finally taken a significant bite out of crime, according to a report released by the Federal Bureau of Investigations last Thursday. The 1999 "Crime in the United States" report, which compiles crime statistics gathered from police departments across the country, has revealed numerous bites taken out of crime in nearly every state in the U.S. and in every major category of crime studied.

While the missing bites of crime cited in the report vary greatly in size and severity, they all bear the distinctive four-toothed bite pattern McGruff has been known for since his first television commercial in 1980. By far the most significant of these bites was taken out of a large printing of the word "crime" in red, capital letters. The bites taken out of murder-homicide, assault, robbery, rape, motor vehicle thefts, and arson were relatively small by comparison.

Above: A significant bite has been taken out of crime

McGruff the Crime Dog began his crime-fighting career twenty years ago, after a sharp rise in crime rates in U.S. urban centers demanded swift and decisive action on the part of law enforcement agencies across the country. The National Organization for Crime Prevention and Awareness was formed, which later hatched a plan to hire an advertising agency that would create a campaign the whole country could rally behind. The agency introduced the surly-let-lovable McGruff, and criminal experts predicted that his detective-style trench coat and his scratchy voice would be enough to convince kids and parents alike that crime doesn't pay. But while a few easily-suggestible and slightly retarded children caught on to McGruff's message early, most did not. His impassioned plea to "Help me take a bite out of crime" was largely ignored and crime continued to rise steadily until the late 1990s. In a last-ditch 1996 effort to save the program, the organization updated McGruff's image and slogan. The newer, edgier McGruff urged children and parents to "Bite crime in the ass." And finally, people began to listen to what McGruff had to say and started to take him seriously.

McGruff was on-hand at an FBI press conference last Thursday to celebrate the release of the encouraging 1999 crime statistics report. While McGruff repeatedly urged reporters in attendance to "Bite crime in the ass," he refused to respond to several questions addressing his two emergency room visits for cocaine-related overdoses in 1995 and his recent failed marriage to Meg Ryan.

McGruff also explained that the 1.2 billion in funding he has received from the federal government during the past 20 years has been put to good use, as he has made hundreds of appearances at parades, schools and civic events across the country and more than 30 popular television spots. It also enabled him to purchase a beach-side mansion in Miami's upscale South Beach district, where he is currently working to take a bite out of the underage drinking, drug use and homosexual sodomy crimes the area is notorious for.

A small portion of the credit for the drop in overall crime rates may also be due to record low unemployment and a booming economy, a spokesman for the FBI noted.

While he is currently enjoying a surge in popularity after his newly reported success in biting crime, McGruff continues to maintain his innocence in the wrongful death suit filed against him last month after he attacked and killed an eleven-year-old Los Angeles boy who allegedly smelled like marijuana. The case is set to go to trial in December. Additionally, the Crime Dog denied all charges relating to the sexual assault case levied against him by a Chicago woman last year, calling his accuser a "promiscuous bitch" and maintaining his position that "she wanted it."

An Edina, MN couple faces civil court charges this week relating to a July incident in which they displayed "excessive affection" in front of an unattached mutual friend.

The incident occurred on the night of Friday, July 14, when newly engaged couple Bradley Chassom and Ramona Wilkers met their close friend Ralph Green for drinks at a popular local sports bar. Green, a shy loner who reportedly has trouble finding dates, attended high school with both Chassom and Wilkers in south St. Paul, and currently works along side the pair at the Towle Realty offices in Edina.

As the evening began, events and conversation progressed as was usual. The group exchanged laughs and office gossip, and reminisced about their youthful days together in high school. But as the night wore on, Chassom and Wilkers continued to order drinks and gradually became more and more affectionate, first holding hands, then talking in exaggerated baby-talk voices to one another, and eventually Chassom placed his hand on Wilker's thigh "well above the knee", according to the official complaint. The graphic and uncomfortable display reached a peak hours later with Wilkers climbing into Chassom's lap and throwing her arm around his shoulders, giggling and making "kissy noises" at him. At this point, Green left the table in horrified disgust and returned to his basement apartment. Charges were filed against Chassom and Wilkers in Ramsey County Civil Court the following Monday.

"It was horrible, totally uncomfortable," explained Green in a phone interview with divisiontwo. "They had their hands all over each other, and I was just sitting there like, you guys, come on, this makes me feel like the odd man out." The couple allegedly ignored Green's complaints, taking them as a joke, and from there the already tense situation escalated.

"When Ramona climbed into Brad's lap, I felt like the whole restaurant was staring at me and thinking 'what a loser…he can't get a date of his own.' It was so embarrassing, I wanted to die."

Green is seeking $30,000 in damages from the couple for their wonton lack of consideration. Because of the tremendous backlog of Ramsey County civil cases, the case was offloaded to the syndicated "Final Justice" television show and will be decided by viewers' phone-in votes on Wednesday.

Target shoppers have been expecting more and paying less recently, this according to a recent study of shopper preferences published by the trusted consumer-advocate magazine Consumer Reports. The study was conducted over a three month period beginning in June and ending in September and analyzed over 3000 television commercials for various popular companies, products and services. The results of the massive undertaking are to be published in the October edition of Consumer Reports as part of an annual feature that gauges consumer behavior and spending patterns.

The greatest surprise between the current issue's findings and those published in 1999 relate to shoppers' expectations and spending at Target stores nationwide. "From New York to California," the study reads, "Target shoppers have been seen on commercials skipping against bright white backgrounds, twirling shopping bags in the air and grinning with the satisfaction one only gets from finding a major bargain." In addition, these shoppers are also much better-dressed and more attractive than one would expect from a regular patron of Target stores, leading the researchers to conclude that Target's customer base has gone largely upscale.

"Many businesswomen and ruggedly-handsome men in their late twenties are shopping at Target now," says Brian Traughscon, an editor for Consumer Reports.

"And these shoppers are suddenly expecting far more from Target and paying significantly less than they did in 1999 or before," he added.

Target received the news warmly, saying in a printed statement that the company has suspected for many months that buyers were expecting more from Target and paying less than they would at the competition, and the company looks forward to growing with its customers and their needs well into the 21st century.

Traughscon urged caution, however. "This is a relatively new phenomenon, and it is still uncertain whether Target will be able to consistently meet and exceed its customers expectations while still charging below-expected prices," he said. Traughscon also noted that if customers' expectations of Target continue to increase at the exponential rate they have been during the past year, it will be impossible for Target to continue to offer such a diversified, quality name-brand selection and still charge significantly lower than other popular discount chains such as Wal-Mart or K-Mart.

If such a nightmare scenario plays out as customers' expectations exceed Target's ability to offer them lower prices, Traughscon warns that customers on Target commercials could become increasingly frustrated trying to find bargains that make them dance and smile. The result would be a series of commercials featuring disgruntled, poorly dressed customers who aren't smiling and don't have anything positive to say about Target, which could be disastrous for the company's image and public relations.

"We can only hope it doesn't come to that," Traughscon said. "But the potential is clearly there."

December 10, 1999: Burger King changes business plan, slogan for 2000; Mars Polar Lander astronauts doomed; Rosie takes aim.

November 24, 1999: U.S. minorities to be declared legally disabled; The Onion may not be a reliable news source; Ohio lines up at the Microsoft instant cash machine

November 4, 1999: Clinton says youth feeling more unsafe at schools; Scientist knows word you don't; Congress gets a hard-on for "Iron Giant"

October 19, 1999: Unauthorized autobiography of Mother Theresa released; Hurricane Irene pounds North Carolina coast, smokes cigarette when finished; The fight to place warning labels on genetically engineered foods heats up.

October 6, 1999: Free Mumia! movement gains strength; More whining from the Native American Community™; Gap announces creepier ad campaign.

September 28, 1999: Ground-breaking television to air on Fox; Scandal rocks the herbal supplement industry; Michigan man sentenced to death for swearing in front of women.

September 19, 1999: JFK Junior named Man of the Century; Students share their views on returning to Columbine; Scented candles can be dangerous.