ON TV:
CBS Ups the Ante With New Bloodsport Reality SeriesSeptember 26, 2000
divisiontwo staff writer
CBS plans to up the reality-show ante with a brand new survival series set on a remote, uninhabited Pacific island off the cost of South America. The series, tentatively entitled "Dinosaurs, Indians and Laser Pointers", will pit two pre-historic forces—dinosaurs and Indians—against one another in what the network calls "the ultimate quest for island dominance".
The 32 Indians to be featured in the series will be cloned from sacred remains purchased from the South Dakotan Sioux tribe by CBS, and the sixteen deadly Velociraptors will be brought to life via the "Jurassic Park" method of extracting DNA from mosquitoes trapped in amber.
Who will come out on top in this thrilling competition is anybody's guess, but the Indians have a distinct advantage over their reptilian adversaries: Each of the 32 Indian clones will be given a handheld laser pointer, to do with whatever he or she desires. Perhaps, as the show's creators hope, the great intellectual and imaginative capacity of man will allow the primitive Indians to somehow dominate their foes with nothing more than a concentrated beam of light. But equally likely is the prospect that the Indians will simply go blind by staring directly into the beams for extended periods of time. Even the CBS brass isn't sure what to expect at this point.
"We don't have any idea what is going to happen with this ingenious concept," said CBS president Leslie Moonves. "Will these ancient, spiritual beings be able to mentally grasp and utilize this piece of 20th century technology for their advantage? Or will the dinosaurs somehow turn things around and use their own laser beams against them? No one knows. A series of this nature has never been attempted before." Moonves promises that pitting dinosaurs and Indians--two species that have been extinct for millions of years--against each other in the 21st century will create compelling television and captivate audiences nationwide.
Moonves later added, "This series, in addition to ground-breaking new programming such as 'Bette' and 'That's Life', is making it a very exciting time to be at CBS."
If the Indian tribe successfully dominates the Island, each member will be awarded a bead necklace and a new Pontiac Aztec. Should the dinosaurs emerge victorious, they will be stuffed, mounted and sold at auction on cbs.com. The winner of the competition will be determined after 63 days or after 45% of the last remaining Indian carcass has been consumed; whichever comes first.
In addition to the near-constant deadly game of hunter and prey the network promises, the two warring factions will also participate in obstacle course competitions and immunity challenges. Every third night, both the velociraptors and the Indians will hike deep into the jungle to participate in Tribal Council, where they will have to vote one of their own to be eaten.
While the series is generating a considerable amount of buzz already, it hasn't all been positive. Some critics of the preliminary concept are unhappy that the tentative title of the series includes the word "Indians" (today primarily used to refer to the dot kind) to refer to a tribe of clones derived from extracted DNA of Native American™ remains. Failing to make this distinction, they warn, could mean protests and angry mail from liberal, upper-middle class white college students and public denouncements from the Indigo Girls.
A spokesman for the CBS legal drama Jag released a statement to the press Monday explaining that The Native American Community, Inc., has trademarked the term Native American™ and has not authorized to the network to use it in the upcoming series. Any unauthorized use of trademarks owned by The Native American Community Inc., or its subsidiaries including Little Debbie™ brand snack foods, can carry severe infringement penalties and incur the wraith of the ancients.
Other critics have expressed concern over the expected graphic nature of the bloodsport reality series. Possibly bowing to current congressional pressure, CBS later announced that it will "tastefully edit" any and all kills so as to not show excessive screaming or spurts of blood, and no decapitations will be broadcast until the second half-hour of the hour-long series, after all of America's children have been put to bed.The network also promises to never broadcast "Dinosaurs, Indians and Laser Pointers" on the same night as "Touched By An Angel", due to the pathological Christianity that afflicts many "Angel" viewers.
"Dinosaurs, Indians and Laser Pointers" will be hosted by "Big Brother" contestant "Brittany" and is expected to premier late next summer, assuming there are no significant delays in filming or the development of human cloning technology.
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