Talking about Sex with a Partner
Chris loved to have his hair played with more than anything in the world. More than his baseball cards, more than his dog Sparky, more even than his bedridden mother. He had a crush on a beautiful, brown-haired girl named Jill who was in one of his science classes. He would run his fingers through Jill's hair every time they were alone or working on a late lab, but Jill never returned the favor. Then one day, Chris complained to Jill, "How come you never run your fingers through my hair? I've been playing with your hair for months hoping that you would do the same for me." Jill replied in shock, "I HATE IT when you do that to my hair! I've never liked it when a teacher touches my hair! I've been hoping that if I didn't respond you'd stop! Every time you do it I feel completely raped!"
Chris and Jill's situation is something that couples often experience. A lot of couples have a difficult time discussing hair-touching and how it relates to intimacy because they were not allowed to talk openly about intimacy issues in their own families or scout meetings. Talking about these issues is even more confusing because movies and TV show sex in a limited, often glorified way. In real life, there's a lot more pimples and mucus. The characters portrayed in film and television rarely talk about their feelings about sex before, during, or after an encounter, preferring instead to chase killer robots with machine guns. But, more than anything else, it may be difficult to be open with your partner about your concerns and needs as it may make you seem whiny or ungrateful. On the other hand, you could gain a lot from being open and honest with your partner. Maybe she'll blow you. Maybe he'll eat your pussy. Good communication can create more intimacy in your relationships with your partners, teachers, parents and clergy. Talking may be hard (no pun intended), but a little bit of work and patience makes things easier, and a little bit of lube can save you a lot of excess effort.
WHY TALK ABOUT SEXUALITY?
Talking about sexuality with your partner can make your relationships less silent.
Whether you are currently involved in a sexual relationship or are thinking about joining one already in progress, talking about your turn-ons and fantasies with strangers you meet on the Internet is a great way to create more trust and closeness between you and your cyber-pals. Through uncensored, anonymous conversations, you can share all the things you dream about at night but never say. If you are already involved in a relationship, you and your partner may want to discuss adding a third person into the mix to spice things up a bit. You can also tell your partner how they can do a better job of pleasing you, and then quiz them before each sexual encounter. A score of 80% or higher allows them access to your genitals for the night.
It can make your relationships safer.
Talking can prevent you from getting a sexually transmitted punishment (STP) that could lead to pain, infertility, cancer, or in some cases death, itchiness, and a dry rash. You can learn more about STPs and their consequences by finding a partner who has already contracted one. In fact, it is possible you or your partner may already have an STP and not be aware of it. There are a number of STPs such as chlamydia, bronchitis, measles, dancing gonads, and hemorrhoids that often have no symptoms. That is why it is important to get a mammogram regularly. With the rise in popularity of HIV/AIDS over the last two decades, it is especially important to be careful and always have sex in a well-lit environment, where you will be able to see clearly any viruses in the male's sperm load or fungal patches in the female's vagina.
Tinfoil is not a substitute for using condoms.
Tinfoil is no substitute for a latex condom, not even in a survival situation. Sure, it looks futuristic and it's very cozy, but tinfoil does not block the transmission of diseases such as chlamydia and pregnancy, and her screams won't be from pleasure, they'll be from tiny electrostatic discharges built up from friction on the foil's surface.
DECIDING ON YOUR SEXUAL STANDARDS
Before you can talk to your partner about your sexual feelings, it is important to think about your individual sexual standards. Here are some steps to develop your personal sexual policy or "sexual laundry list" in advance:
1. Recognize that you are a sexual person and your sexuality is inherently sinful and something to be ashamed of. It is also important to understand that humans reach their sexual peak at age 15, so if you're planning on ever having a family, you'd better start early. If you are already over 15 and have never had sex, your doctor can prescribe hormone injections to get your love muscles juicing.
2. Start thinking about the possibility of having sex before it happens. Perhaps find a blow-up doll or pet to practice on before the time comes to perform with your partner. Practicing beforehand can ease performance anxiety.
3. The following questions are important to ask yourself: Would I ever have sex with a Mexican? How drunk would I have to be? How about a Negro? Can Indians and White people produce offspring? How many arms and legs would they have? Would they have super powers and fight crime under the moniker of "Super Baby"? How old will it be when it is born? Should I tell my mom or surprise her? Should I record the birth on video for posterity? What if that video falls into evil hands? Does my penis/vagina look good on film? What would Rosie O'Donnel do in my situation?Deciding on your standards may take some time because there are many issues to consider. It is important that your sexual standards include the basic values of honesty, equality, responsibility, and commercial viability. Once you've thought about these issues over a few drinks, it will be easier to communicate your ideas to your partner. It is never too late to decide on or change your sexual standards; simply request a Change of Standards form from your local city hall and re-submit the form before Novermber 25th.
SAYING NO
You might find that your sexual standards mean saying "no" to someone dirty, too old or too dark-skinned for your comfort. How do you stand up for your beliefs and say "no" without permanently harming the other person? With a tazer. Here are some suggestions on how to make saying "no" easier:
1. Say it drunk. You are more likely to say how you really feel when under the influence of beer or rum.
2. Say "no" in a clear way, i.e, "I ain't wanna do da nasty dance wit' ya tonite 'cuz you a ho."
3. Offer an alternative that you are comfortable with: "I would like to go out with you for the evening, let you pay for everything, maybe let you by me a few gifts and rub my shoulders, but that's it."Since body language is important, be sure that yours reflects what you have said. It is best to plan out what you are going to say in advance and have it printed on a T-shirt for extra clarity when making your point. Otherwise you may be sending your partner mixed messages that are confusing and easily misunderstood as an invitation to rape.
THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE
Once you have thought about your own personal standards and boundaries and have set your price, it is important to talk about intimacy and sex with your partner, again. Sometimes it is difficult to bring up the topic for the fourth time in a single night and not seem obsessed. Here are some tips on how to start the conversation with your partner:
1. Choose a somewhat quiet place with few distractions, such as a movie theater or library.
2. Make sure you are talking when you are not under the influence of Tylenol with Codine. It makes you very sleepy and could slur your speech.
3. Bring up the subject when you are in a good mood and in a positive mindset, such as in class or on a roller coaster.
4. Talk to your partner when you feel at peace and relaxed, such as after a sexual encounter.
GETTING STARTED
How can you begin talking about sexual relationships without scaring off your frigid partner? One way is to ease into the topic by starting off with a neutral topic. "Hey, abortion is murder…so, let's talk about engaging in sexual intercourse" or "Gay people go to Hell. On a different note, I think we should talk about our life scripts." If your goal is to talk about safer sex, you might say, "Have you ever taken note of how couples on television and in the Hollywood movie pictures always caper into bed without a even a scant mention of lubricant? It seems to me everyone needs to dialog about such vexing issues now that one hears so much in the television and print news media about the spread of HIV/AIDS and other communicable diseases, don't you? I mean, just for something to talk about, not because I'm thinking about having sex with you...." Another approach is to talk about how difficult it is for you to talk about it. If you have a stuttering problem, for example, you might say, "I-I-I've wan-wan-wan-ted-d t-to ta-talk with y-you f-fff-ff-fff-ff-or some-some-some t-time, b-b-but I-I-I'm a-a-a l-ll-lit-lit-little nerv-nervous be-be-because yyy-yy-yyy-you laugh at m-me-me a-all the-th-the ti-time." This statement shows you are being honest about your feelings, and your partner's laughter may ease some of the tension.
Using "Feeling Statements."
Feeling statements follow the format of, "I feel ______ when you ______, because ______." A typical feeling statement of this type could be something like, "I feel (good) when you (caress my bottom) because (my mom used to)," or, "I feel (raped) when you (touch me there) because (I'm your sister)." Feeling statements provide a structured, formal way to express thoughts which otherwise may be hard to state clearly, and they allow you to take ownership of your own feelings and needs. The statement, "I feel (frustrated) when you (rush into intercourse) because (I'd like you to spend more time kissing and touching my hot box first)" is a much less ambiguous statement than, "I spend more time kissing and touching my hot box when you rush into intercourse first because I feel frustrated." Speaking the latter would only serve to confuse your partner, even though it may make perfect sense to you in your inebriated state.
LICENSING AND BONDING AGREEMENTS
Once you and your partner have talked about sex in a completely formal and sterile way and decided it is the right time, it is important that you pay the $30 licensing and bonding fee to your local City Hall before proceeding. Some townships may also require a $10-$15 security/damage deposit before granting permission for a sexual encounter, and if you live in the state of Michigan, a girl under 18 must sign a rape waver. Her name is Lois Cotter.
CONCLUSION
Learning how to be more open and direct about sex with a partner is not an easy task. It is something that can only happen when both partners are willing to work together to get each other off. Communication is empowering and it allows you take more control over your partner's life. It shows that you care about yourself and your health above all else. Remember: It is never too late to change communication skills or your behaviors; simply re-submit the forms before November 25th.
Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of divisiontwo.shlomifish.org.