/ask armelda/october99
Armelda Simone is divisiontwo's in-house teen advice columnist. New advice is posted daily. Send your questions directly to Armelda at askarmelda@hotmail.com
Dear Armelda,
I live in a small, rural, closed-minded community in the Midwest.
A black boy recently transferred to my high school, and all the
other kids are being really mean to him. They yell racial slurs
at him, push him around, trip him, knock his books out of his
hand, and vandalize his locker practically every single day. What
should I do?
Jennette
--
Dear Jennette,
Whatever you do, don't just stand by and do nothing. It sounds like your friends are having a lot of fun at the black boy's expense; why don't you try to get in on the action yourself? If your peers see you come up with newer, more degrading ways to harass the black boy, they'll think you're even cooler than they are and you'll become very popular. Trust me; there was a blind Indian girl in my high school who ended up getting me elected Homecoming Queen.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
My mom drinks a lot. She drinks in the morning before I go to
school, and she's still sitting on the couch drinking when I come
home. I'm afraid she's becoming an alcoholic.
C.T.
--
Dear
C.T.,
The definition of "alcoholic" is "one who has sex with machines." I don't think you're mom is an alcoholic; it sounds instead like she may have a drinking problem. Drinking problems tend to be seasonal, so she'll probably be fine come springtime. If you're worried about her health or her safety in the meantime, don't be. It doesn't sound like she's too mobile during the day. From your description, it sounds like she stays relatively still.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm 12 and I'm starting to get breasts. My dad likes to play
catch with the football, and it's starting to hurt now when I
catch it like I used to. I don't want to play catch anymore, but
I'm embarrassed to tell him why, and I don't want to say nothing
at all, because that would hurt his feelings. What should I tell
him?
Tanice
--
Dear
Tanice,
What do you mean exactly by "playing catch with the football"? Tanice, is this your way of telling me that your father is abusing you sexually? "Daddy's football" is his cock, isn't it? Yes, I know it is. I have emailed you the number of a child abuse hotline. I want you to call it immediately and report your father. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. A father should not be sexually abusing his daughter, not even on a triple-dog-dare.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
Dear Armelda, I'm a 15 year old guy and my dick is always getting
hard in class for no reason. It's okay when I'm sitting down, but
sometimes my teachers make me stand up and come to the board, and
so I just pretend like I'm deaf and retarded so they don't call
on me anymore. My grades are starting to suffer. How can I make
my dick behave?
Thanks,
Tom.
--
Dear Tom,
It sounds like you and your penis are having trouble
communicating with each other. Perhaps you both should attend
some sort of counselling. Whether the setting be formal or
informal, it is very important that you and your penis sit down,
talk things out, and come to some sort of mutual understanding,
so he doesn't act up in public like this anymore. Perhaps your
penis is wanting something that you're not giving him. Or maybe
he's jealous that you're spending time with other, larger
penises. There's no way to know for sure unless you ask him.
-Armelda
Dear
Armelda, I'm so sad sometimes that I don't even want to get out
of bed. My parents think I have depression and want to put me on
pills, but I'm afraid of pills and our doctor always feels me up
whenever I go see him for anything. I don't know what to do. All
I think about all day and night is killing myself. Is there any
way out of this personal hell I'm living?
-Richard Wang,
Ardon
Hills, SC.
--
Dear Richard,
Sorry, I can't help you. I've never been sad, myself. In fact, I think most people who are are a little bit "faggy." But you do have a funny name. "Dick Wang." I've been giggling about that all day.
Cheer up!
-Armelda
Armelda,
I'm 16 and my
boyfriend is 18. I think he may be cheating. Here's what I know:
I've found a pair of panties in his bag once, I found a bra in
his car, he never wants to do anything with me on Friday nights,
all my friends say he's cheating, he walks down the hall holding
hands with other girls sometimes, and there are some videos going
around school of him having sex with other girls in my class. But
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. What does it sound
like to you? Is he cheating?
Alice
--
Dear
Alice,
It's been my experience that teenage boys rarely cheat on their girlfriends. Those panties you found in his bag could have been your own, or they might have been a gift for you. That bra in his car could be his mom's. I know my mom is always leaving bras and used tampons in my car. And if he doesn't want to go out on Friday nights, it's probably because he wants to get his homework done early so he can give you his full attention the rest of the weekend. As for those girls he holds hands with and sometimes tapes himself having sex with, they could be his sisters or cousins, or it may be a project for film class. Don't let your imagination run out of control; throwing out accusations could cause him to dump you for someone prettier.
-Armelda
Armelda,
What the hell are
you and this website trying to pull? Never before have I seen
such a collection of racist, sexist, homophobic, and downright
evil content on one website as I have on divisiontwo. You people
should be ashamed of yourselves. And as for your "advice
column", I hope to God it's not for real. If you're
purposely giving people bad advice just for laughs, you ought to
be arrested.
Molly Willis
Kenyon, Utah
--
Dear Molly,
Divisiontwo may be racist, sexist and homophobic, as you claim, but at least it's not a lesbo, like you probably are. If you don't like divisiontwo or what it's trying to do, then don't read it, you stupid fat ugly bitch monkey!
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
Whenever I spend the night at my friend Jessica's house, her dad always sends her out to get something at the store. When she's gone, he unzips his pants, takes out his penis, and chases me around the house with it, laughing and calling me a whore until she comes back. This was funny the first seven or eight times, but now I'm getting worried. Do you think he may have a problem?
Chased,
Florida
--
Dear Chased,
Dads can be dorky and embarrassing sometimes. Mine used to sit around in his underwear, scratch himself, and masturbate to a porno whenever I had slumber parties. And he would do this IN MY ROOM! I say that the next time he starts to take out his dick, you should take off your shirt and chase him around the house with your boobs. Giving him a taste of his own medicine might cause him to back off a bit.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
My friend Mandi has
started smoking pot. At first, she did it like once a month, then
once a week, then every night, and now she does it in between
each class. I'm worried that she may be ruining her life. How can
I tell her to stop smoking pot and still be her friend?
-------------
Eve Julio
PA
Dear
Eve,
Indeed your friend Mandi does have a problem, but it isn't with drugs; it's with a certain friend who is being unsupportive of her lifestyle and her decisions, and is trying to subvert her at every turn. This "friend" is trying to take away the one thing Mandi has which offers her comfort and happiness in this cold, uncaring world: Marijuana. I want you to find out who this unsupportive friend is, and kill her.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a seventeen year old boy and I'll graduate soon. My parents
are pushing me into college, but I'd rather go to a tech school.
They won't listen to what I want, no matter how much I try to
tell them. How can a make them listen?
Michael
--
Dear Michael,
Everyone listens to a man with a gun in his hand. Next time you feel your parents aren't listening to you, fire a few shots into the air. That'll get their attention. If they try to run away, shoot them in the legs or feet.
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm a seventeen-year-old guy and I think I might be gay, but how
can I be sure?
Ricki
--
Dear Ricki,
I'm tired of getting this question from you fags. I get like 30 a day saying the exact same thing. Once and for all: If you guys like sucking dick, you're gay! If you don't like sucking dick, you're straight! Clear enough for you, queerholes?
-Armelda
Dear Armelda,
I'm 18 and one of the boys I babysit for is 11. We've been having sex since he was 8. I'll be going off to college next fall, and I can't bear the thought of leaving him. Is there some way I can take him with me? The school I'm going to allows pets in the dorms.
Katie
--
Dear Katie,
Unless you have the fortune of living in Montana, kidnapping is illegal. I think your best bet is to sit down with the boy and his parents, tell them about your long-time relationship, and ask for their permission to take him with you to college. You'll probably be surprised and delighted by their response. If their response isn't in the affirmative, offer them money or favors. You'd be surprised what you can get some people to agree to.
-Armelda
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