The Future and Beyond: divisiontwo takes a look at life after 2000
As we sit poised on the threshold of a brand new millennium, each of us full of our own hopes, our own dreams, our own wishes and our own fears, we ask ourselves, what will life really be like for our children's children and beyond? What will life be like for these genetically-taylored, super-strong nucleo-cyber monsters we'll call our offspring? How will these nucleo-cyber space grandchildren work? How will they play? How will they make love? And what about Moesha? Will that show still be enjoyed by generations to come?
It's inevitable that we as a species wonder how our offspring will rope the new millennium and brand it their own as the eternal war between man and nature rages on. Over the course of the last century, we've managed to emerge on top. Man 1, Nature 0. Will this trend continue over the next thousand years? How will the future of humanity domesticate nature and ride it to work? How will they beat in into submission, make it bend to their wills and pleasure them as they desire? How will they keep it tied up in their closet as their own personal sex slave without their landlord or their neighbors finding out? How long can it live on stale bread and tap water before it's too weak to perform?
Well, as everyone knows, the future is notoriously difficult to predict. Projections offered usually miss the mark by a long shot, and are often laughed at by those who look back. That is why divisiontwo has gone directly to the source to bring you the clear, definitive picture of what life will be like beyond 2000. We have assembled a crack team of mystics, psychics, abductees, robots and time travelers from all walks of life to answer your toughest questions about the future. Read on, if you dare.
Q: Will we have cars that fly in space?
A: Yes. Mattie Keyes, a repeat abductee from Gulf Breeze, FL, offers an encouraging look at a future in which space cars are a necessity. "When the Greys took me into the Psychomantium," Recalles Keyes, "they showed me visions of future human cities abuzz with space cars, robot maids, hover-babies, nuclear-powered skateboards and a special nutritious paste that cures all disease and stops aging. Then they got me pregnant and stole my baby to populate a planet of alien-human crossbreeds that will eventually be used to annihilate humanity and colonize the earth."
That's great, but will these new space cars be affordable for the average, suburban Joe Sixpack with 2.3 bratty kids and an unappreciative, frigid wife? According to Mattie, the Greys say space cars will be very expensive at first, but prices should come down in subsequent years as the cost of production falls and the neo-plutonium space fuel used to power them becomes more common.
So will we see one in turquoise? "Bet on it," says Mattie.
A spokeswoman for Nissan, Inc., would not respond to divisiontwo's telephone inquiry regarding space cars with anything but the comment, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," and a spokesman for Chrysler demanded to know where we had acquired his home telephone number and if we were the same people who had been threatening his wife all day.
Q: Will bell bottoms ever go back out of style?
A: Yes. The life cycle of bell bottoms consists of a dormancy period of about 25 years and then a brief growth and flowering period lasting five to ten years. We are in the final stages of the bell bottom flowering period now, as many flares are ripe and cross-pollinating, preparing to drop their seeds. By 2001 all current bell bottoms should have shriveled up and died, and we can expect a new crop around 2025.
That's great, but will these new bell bottoms be affordable for the average, suburban Joe Sixpack with 2.3 snot-nosed little wankers and a wife who'd rather eat icecream and watch soaps than get off her ass and clean the damn house? Genevieve Rudolph, a Navajo mystic with a nose for fashion and an eye for botanical chemistry, says that the bell bottoms of the future should be well within the family budget in 2025. "I expect 'cyber-bottoms', as I call them, to cost between $15 and $50 space dollars, and some older blossoms from the last vegetative cycle may be found at retro-space thrift shops for less than $10 space dollars."
Q: Will women get any skankier?
A: Yes. It has been observed by many statistical futuristicians that the overall increase in women's skankiness over the course of the last century has demonstrated an exponential growth, i.e., every new generation women is twice as skanky as their mothers. According to Clovis Eddie, a mathematician currently under investigation by the US government for the sale of orphans for organ harvesting, the first noticeable increase in women's skankiness occurred around 1920, and has been skyrocketing ever since. "If this trend continues," he speculates, "women are projected to reach a peak of skankiness by 2040 before leveling off throughout the remaining half of the century." The graph below details the projected increase in women's skankiness over the next fifty years.
Many of Eddie's colleagues in the organ harvesting community, however, doubt that women can ever reach a so-called "critical mass" of skankiness, and instead foresee the level of female skankiness increasing ad infinitum. But Eddie dismisses his colleagues' "ridiculously optimistic" projections, calling for the application of a bit of common sense to the data set. "Women can only get so skanky," he explains. "Skirts can only get so short, make-up can only get so garish, hair can only get so bleached, and a woman can only service so many men in a day and still have time for eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom."
That's great, but will these coming generations of robo-skanks be affordable for the average suburban Joe Sixpack with 2.3 crying mouths to feed and a wife whose ass grows by a factor of 4 every year? "Probably," assures Eddie, an expert in the monetary cost of seducing women. "The skankier women tend to get, the overall cost of their maintenance comes down. We expect skanks around 2040 to be almost free, and will probably subsist entirely on meals in pill form."
We can hope, at least.
Q: Will people still have sex in the future?
A: Yes. Much to the dismay of many right-wing Christian groups, humans are likely to continue engaging in the filthy, disgusting, amoral practice of sexual gratification well into the next millennium. A recent study of sexual behavior conducted by the US government revealed that couples have been having sex throughout the better part of recorded human history, and this trend doesn't show any signs of losing steam in the years to come. More alarmingly, some of the couples engaging in sexual behavior throughout human history haven't been married. The study also concluded that sex between two men, two women, and even between groups of people called "orgies" ('ore-jeez) are not the stuff of folk legend as previously thought, as several documented cases of such behavior have emerged on the Internet. While some experts dismiss the photographs of homosexual and orgiastic behavior as "hoaxes", the US government isn't taking the possibility of their authenticity lightly, according to Jedediah Fielder, a Christian Fundamentalist who claims to have accompanied Jesus on a trip through time. "Jesus showed me how the world government, led by the United States under the control of the Dark Prince, is going to force the mass sterilization of the human race in the year 2000."
Fielder recommends that all Christians stockpile weapons and canned goods and prepare to take up arms against those who would force their sterilization. If you see the Cat of Seven Paws, he warns, don't let it into your home.
Fielder's views may sound extreme to some people who haven't walked through time with Jesus, but according to a disembodied spirit goddess calling herself "Shaleilah LaBon" whom divisiontwo contacted via Ouija, as we soar into the next millennium, more documented cases of sexual perversions may find their way onto the World Wide Web in the form of easily downloadable photographs called GIFs or JPEGs. If this nightmarish scenario should ever come to pass, we promise you'll be able to find it all in divisiontwo's Kids Links.
Q: Will there be an increase in the future?
A: Uncertain. Many of you readers know just how difficult it is to quanitfy inquantifiable concepts like the quantity of time, but it has been proposed in the wheelchair-bound physicist community that as we near the future, the amount of the future increases exponentially. The following graph illustrates the projected increase in the future over the next 50 years:
While some find this graph frightening, others point out that it looks suspiciously similar to the graph of women's skankiness. Whether the cause of the correlation between the two graphs has to do with the expansion of the universe multiplied by the increase in entropy, or is simply the result of a re-labeling of the skankiness graph, no one is completely certain.
One thing we at divisiontwo do agree on, though, is that while Stephen Hawking may be smart, most of our editorial staff could probably take him in a fight if we had to. He looks like kind of a pussy.
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