A Guy's View

By Brad J.

November 4, 1999

Hey guys. I got a letter from a reader calling himself Gallo who wants me to give him some dating advice. I figured rather than email my advice on dating just to him, I'd make it into a whole column, because I've gotten a lot of emails from guys out there who have the same or similar questions. Here are the ones I get most often:

Is it wrong to expect the girl to pay sometimes?
Well, that's a tough one. Girls go on and on about how "equal" they want everything to be, but when it comes right down to it, guys, if you don't pay, you don't play. It takes an old-fashioned guy to get into a new-age-girl's hot box. I remember this one girl, Missy, who I used to go out with when I was a freshman. For the first week, we'd always go Dutch to restaurants and movies, because neither one of us had much money. By the end of the week I got really frustrated that the relationship was going nowhere beyond second base. It seemed like no matter what I said or did, she wouldn't let me express my love for her by fucking her brains out. I asked my dad what was up, and he explained to me that even though girls put on a big show about being "equal to men" and stuff like that, they still want their man to open doors for them, tip their hats to them, not swear at them, and pay for their dates. He gave me some money, and so next week I paid for our movies and dinners. She was so impressed that she gave up her pussy to me by Thursday. I broke up with her on Sunday because she got too suffocating.

Is it best to ask a girl out on the phone or in person?
Face it, guys, if you're gonna call up the girl you have a crush on, chances are you aren't gonna say anything, you'll just breath heavy into the phone while jerking off. This isn't safe in the era of Caller ID and *69. Just ask her out in person. Get a nice haircut, put on some clean pants and a shirt that doesn't have an offensive slogan or pizza stains on it, buy some flowers, get her alone, and ask her out using good grammar. It almost never fails. Chicks love flowers and grammar. Try not to fart, either, that bothers girls.

How soon can I expect sex?
There are two kinds of girls: Girls who will give it up on the first date, and girls who won't. If a girl is willing to let you fuck her on your first date, that either means she has no self respect, which is good, or has crabs, which is bad. The trick is to tell the difference. A girl with no self respect has her shoulders slouched forward, looks down all the time, talks about how ugly she thinks she is, and will do anything you tell her. A good test is to tell her to lick your asshole. If she does it, you know you've found a good little personal ho. However, if she's the skanky, dirty kind, she'll dress in really tight clothes, talk about how hot she thinks she is, talk about other cocks she's sucked, and will practically go down on you when you go to pick her up for the evening. It's okay to get blows from these kind, but don't get your dick anywhere near that pussy. It's not safe.

The kind of girls who won't give it up on the first date can also be good once you break them in. It's fun to try a bunch of different methods and see which one hits her in the weak spot. Some girls will let you fuck them just for compliments, other girls want flowers and gifts and poetry you found on the Internet and signed your name to. If absolutely nothing you try seems to work, just get her drunk and you won't believe what a slut she'll become. If even that doesn't work, then it's not worth the effort. She's probably a lesbian in denial. Drop her and move on, and tell all your friends what a slut she is.

What's the best way to break up with a girl?
Don't do it in person. She'll start to cry and try make you feel all guilty. She'll demand to know why or what she did wrong, not realizing that you probably just want to fuck someone else for a change. And sometimes she'll even slap you...as if it's TV and you won't hit back. So just do it in a quick phone call or email. Do it on a weekend so you don't have to see her for a few days while it sinks in. Or have somebody else tell her for you. That's always the easiest.

What do girls like for gifts?
Anything expensive and useless. Just buy some cheap little angel statue from Hallmark or Target, peel an expensive price tag off something else, and then when you're out of the store, put the expensive price tag on the bottom of the statue--that way she'll think you just didn't notice it or forgot to peel it off. Or get a cheap necklace and put in a box from a classy store. You can usually find classy necklace and ring boxes in your mom's jewelry box. Don't get her alcohol; she'll think you want to get her drunk. Don't get her clothes; they won't be the right size. Don't get her pills, she'll ask too many questions and probably won't even take them.

What kind of conversation do girls want to hear over dinner?
Talk about how much you love kittens and rainbows and how you feel like you could never talk about stuff like that with anyone else. Talk about how you're misunderstood by your parents who don't want you to write poetry. Talk about how your dad makes you play sports and you don't really want to. Talk about how if she ever sees you acting macho it's just to fit in with the guys. Talk about a time you cried when you saw something sad or make up something if you have to. Act like you have more emotions than horney. Tell her you're looking for a special girl to share the rest of your life with. Tell her you would like to get to know her before you move the relationship any further. Tell her you think she's skinny. Recite a short poem you memorized from your English book. Think of a popular romantic song and tell her that whenever you hear it, it makes you think of her. Yes, it's gonna make you want to puke, but trust me, after two or three nights of this stuff, you'll be in her pants.

Well, that's A Guy's View for tonight. If you have any other dating tips you'd like me to add to this list, or if you have any other questions or topics you'd like me to write about, send them to me at divisiontwo@yahoo.com.


Sepbember 19, 1999 - Homosexuality

September 9, 1999 - What Guys Like

A Guy's View and a whole lot more is brought to you by divisiontwo. Columns that keep it real.

divisiontwo wholeheartedly supports the views expressed in this column.

Notice: this site (Division Two magazine) was restored from its original location by Shlomi Fish, as he found it amusing. He hosts it on his domain and maintains information about it on his home site. Shlomi Fish is not responsible for its contents of divisiontwo.shlomifish.org.