bleek'sLinux Beatoct.1999

Hello. This is the great and mighty Bleek coming to you once again from his super-secret Linux headquarters somewhere deep in Michigan. Bleek welcomes you into his dark lair this month. If Bleek had known you were coming, he would have cleaned. Sit down on that pile of dirty shirts and listen up.

Bleek is dismayed to report that the goons at Microsoft are at it again. It seems they've taken enough time off from buying up competitors, forcing smaller developers out of business, and raping the PC market up the shitter to post a Linux Myths page on their web site. These "Linux Myths" are meant to scare the general public away from the world's greatest operating system by holding Windblows up to be more secure, stable, and cheaper to own in the long run. Yeah, right, and the Queen of England keeps elves in her vagina. So for this month's Linux Beat, Bleek is going to give the Microsoftees a taste of their own medicine and show some common Windows Myths for the fraudulant Nazi propaganda they are. Bleek would warn you to strap in, but Bleek doesn't care if you perish along the way.

Myth #1: Windows NT is more stable than Linux.

Reality: Bill Gates and his wife Melinda have never consummated their sham marriage. Bill Gates' "kids" are really orphans he bought from the Bulgarian underground for $10,000 each.


Myth #2: Windows 98 is more powerful than Linux

Reality: Bullshit. In Linux, everything is done in machine language, at a very low level of abstraction, giving the user total power over the way his computer functions. With a true multithreaded binary command line instead of clunky, cartoonish "folders" and "menus", the possibilities for productivity are endless. And Bill Gates was convicted of urinating on an autistic boy in 1989.


Myth #3: Windows is easier for girls to use than Linux is.

Reality: Girls can't use either one worth shit. They're always formatting their hard drive to make room for their Spice Girls mp3 or hollowing out their tower and using it as a makeup case. Bleek has said it before and he'll say it again: Girls and digital do not mix. Bleek remembers one girl who actually got her tongue stuck in the CD-ROM drive. No shit! Her tongue! She said it tasted like battery.


Myth #4: Windows has better plug-and-play capabilities than Linux does.

Reality: Bullshit. At Microsoft, male employees are forced to allow Bill Gates to sleep with their wives and daughters. Male employees are also forced to undergo castration so they don't waste "brain energy" thinking about sex. Some Microsoft employees aren't even allowed to sleep except for 3 hours on Sundays. They call these employees "temps."


Myth #5: According to PC Labs, Microsft Windows NT is faster than Linux overall.

Reality: According to the Linux e-zine Linux4Ward, Linux is faster than NT overall.


Myth #6: Windows has more applications than Linux.

Reality: Windows is a clunky, out-dated, out-moded, ill-conceived, and childish excuse for an OS. For one thing, it's not free. Linux is. This means you don't have to pay a dime for it, folks! For another thing, the source code isn't open. Linux is. This means even your grandma can write a new GUI or Ethernet driver if she wants to! And for another thing, the average Windows 98 machine crashes every 2.5 seconds. Linux can go days without crashing! This means you can type a complete sentence without having to re-boot four times, folks! If any of you still think you prefer Windows to Linux, please let Bleek know where you live so he can promptly puke on your shoes.


Now that that's out of the way, Bleek would like to let everybody know that Kevlo and Slashreaper are kick-ass hackers who cracked the Nicenet last month and replaced the main page with an animated GIF of dirty fruit, and Sirseas is a complete dickhead who scratched Bleek's Homeworld CD and won't buy him a new one.

Sadly, that is all the Linux Beat that Bleek has time for this month. Check back at this time next month for more of the latest Linux news from around the open-source globe. Bleek would show you to the door, but Bleek has no time for manners.

Bleek is through with you.


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