Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes
October 17-23, 1999
Taurus: This week, everything will be going smoothly for Taurans in the relationship department as well as in the home. Take this opportunity to focus on neglected departments like health & beauty, pets, hardware, and men's apparel. But watch your back; the owls are not what they seem. "Owls" being read as "Chinks" in this case.
Aries: You're not as good at everything as you seem to think you are. In fact, you fail more often than you succeed. You never achieved your own dreams, and now you're taking that out on those around you. You strut around like your ass don't smell, but let me tell you something honey, it do smell. The world would be a far better place without you in it.
Aquarius: Everybody in leather. This week it's not a slogan, it's an order.
Leo: Mercury and Mars will be in conjunction beginning on Wednesday and lasting through Saturday. This coupling suggests you might get laid, but don't bet on it. Neptune is pushing in hard from behind, and Uranus is looking swollen and puffy.
Pisces: Those mysterious phone calls you're getting every once in awhile where you just hear a few seconds of heavy breathing followed by a click and a dial tone aren't nothing. Someone wants very badly to meet you, and it's just a matter of time before he makes himself known. This could be the one for you. Grab ahold of him and don't let go. The scary ones make the best lovers.
Horse: That old racist nursery rhyme about leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink holds special meaning for you this week. When giving head, it's important that you swallow, not spit, lest your man feel you are rejecting his love gift. If you don't think you'll be sucking any cocks this week, then maybe this is the right time to start.
Virgo: That hymen's gone honey; ain't nothing gonna bring it back. Move on.
Capricorn: Kill someone you don't know this week. Drink the blood while it's still warm, and carve the word "www.divisiontwo.com" into the victim's chest. Place the body where it is likely to get media attention. Take lots of pictures of the adventure and email them to www.divisiontwo.com for publication. A new shirt or pair of shoes can do wonders for your attitude.
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