HOT OFF THE PRESS nov.4.1999
In this issue: Clinton says youth feeling more unsafe at schools; Scientist knows word you don't; Congress gets a hard-on for "Iron Giant"

Clinton Says Youth Feeling More Unsafe at Schools
divisiontwo staff writer

Young Americans feel increasingly unsafe after a series of deadly school shootings, President Clinton guessed Tuesday, seven months after the school massacre in Littleton, Colo. in which 15 died, including attractive sophomore Rachel Scott.

Clinton cited the Family Coalition's annual report on school safety at a congressional anti-violence conference. The report, released Tuesday, said most U.S. schools are incredibly unsafe and homicides in schools are "as common as tardiness," but that with the proper regulation of the media and entertainment industry, this trend may be turned around.

"The bad news is, we've had Columbine, Jonesboro, Springfield, Pearl...places where there have been these horrible examples of school violence," Clinton told a crowd of 350 bored teenagers on Capitol Hill. "The good news is, we're working to repeal the outdated First Amendment and get violence out of our papers, televisions, movie screens and video games, so none of the rest of you will ever feel the urge to kill."

The announcement drew no response from the teens, most of whom were chatting amongst themselves or immersed in their Gameboys.

Clinton was referring to school shootings in four states in the last two years -- the deadliest having occurred on April 20 when two teenagers shot and killed 13 people, including Rachel Scott, at Columbine High School in Littleton. After the bloody rampage the two gunmen took their own lives, but it was too late to save Rachel Scott.

Clinton urged the Republican-led Congress to pass anti-pornography legislation and a bill requiring the Internet to be inaccessible to anyone under 21.

"America will never have a better time to face its biggest problems, such as pornography and technology," Clinton said, saying that good economic times provide a unique opportunity for passing conservative, reactionary legislation.

"No elderly white male in America believes that America is as safe and moral as it ought to be," he added.

House Democratic Leader Richard Gephardt of Missouri, who played host to the event on behalf of the Christian Family Protection Agency, said the summit was part of a larger effort to "make ourselves look busy" and give the impression that the government cares about cushy, irrelevant issues.

Clinton's proposed legislation would give states $1.5 billion over three years to fight youth crime by imposing earlier curfews, state-wide dress codes and anti-technology measures. The legislation would also establish strict penalties for web sites and video games that feature simulated gun violence, and give prosecutors discretion to try people as young as 7 as adults.

Two prominent Republicans expressed concern that the measures were not complete in that they didn't address issues such as school prayer, and added that the anti-gun measures were unnecessary. "Guns don't kill children," Said Senator Rod Grahams, R., Minnesota, "Video games, pornography, and movies like 'The Matrix' do."

"The problems threatening our nation's young people, like pornography and video games, are matters too important to be the reduced to foolish anti-gun measures," Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Orrin Hatch, a Republican from Utah, and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde, a Republican from Illinois, said in a joint statement.

Only three House Republicans -- Reps. Jennifer Dunn of Washington, Connie Morella of Maryland and Sue Kelly from New York -- have vaginas.

Next Monday, the teens are to present their own version of anti-violence legislation to congressional leaders after two days of workshops and meetings with members of Congress. Early drafts given to the press by the giggling teens included measures to "make dicks bigger" and "legalize bra snapping."

Scientist Knows Word You Don't

Last Monday, a scientist at the University of North Dakota informed a gathering of reporters in Sioux Falls that he knows a big word no one else does.

Daniel Crane, Ph.D., a Chemistry professor at UND, says he has discovered a word that is so long, so complex, and so difficult to pronounce that he and only he knows how to say it and what it means. "This is possibly the biggest word ever discovered," said Crane during the press conference. When asked what the word is, Crane responded, "I'm not going to bother to tell you. It expresses a concept that is so far above your level of understanding that there is no way you'll get anything out of it."

Crane said the word is best kept within the confines of the scientific community, where it can be used responsibly.

"The specific gravity of this word is so high," reads an article in the science quarterly MPRTATSRERDSTA, "that not even meaning can escape. In fact, it pulls in and destroys meaning from all surrounding words. Think of it as the linguistic equivalent of a quantum singularity. We have no idea what is going on inside this word."

"The consequences of the general public knowing this word would be disastrous," Crane warned. "No one outside the scientific community is smart enough to work with its subtleties, it's nuances, probe its sweet velvety folds, manipulate its rosebud, and use it in a satisfying way."

It goes without saying that Crane has never seen a real woman naked.

Media response to Monday's announcement was mixed. "So what?" wrote Ruels Hagar of the Boston Globe, "Scientists use a lot of gigantic words and acronyms they don't bother explaining. It doesn't concern me if they want to make up their own language to make themselves feel important."

Feminist author and man-hating lesbian Blossom Green told divisiontwo, "It's all about the penis. Right now, Crane has the biggest penis in the scientific community because he knows the biggest word. But that will change next week, when another scientist adds a suffix and ups him by a quarter inch. This adolescent whose-is-bigger competition among males of all professions never ends."

It goes without saying that Green needs a good dicking.

Dr. Crane hasn't returned any of divisiontwo's telephone inquiries regarding whether or not he's a virgin, but did respond to an email with the comment, "You wouldn't understand any comments I gave you anyway. No comment."

Congress Gets Hard-On for "Iron Giant"

"The Iron Giant'' is invading Congress, and he's one big mother fucker. In an effort to boost the home video release of the studio-acclaimed box office flop, Warner Bros. is appealing to Capitol Hill for help.

Warner Bros. has lined up some key legislators, including Rep. Paul Santon (R-Mass.) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) to promote legislation that would boost video sales of the movie, which made just $23 at the box office. Even children's programming advocates such as a jobless actors and actresses from Hollywood are traveling to Washington to praise "Giant," on behalf of Warner Bros.

It makes sense that studio-paid legislators and children's programming advocates praise the film, said Warner Home Video executive Thomas Lesinski. He said "The Iron Giant" is the kind of G-rated, morality-spewing movie that anti-everything advocates have been clamoring for.

"There are very few movies with such giant animated robots and such strong right-wing overtones," said Lesinski. "It's a nice movie for Congressmen to showcase in Washington. It distracts the media from their sexual indiscretions and drug abuses."

Loosely based on Ted Hughes' 1968 pornographic comic book, "The Iron Man & Butt Boy," the plot of the film revolves around a boy's suspiciously close friendship with a giant robot in lilly-white 1950s America.

"It's about time legislators promoted more films glorifying the 1950s," said family advocate Peggy Tuelsan. "The 1950s were the greatest time in American history."

In addition to holding a press conference with Congressional Republicans, Warner Bros. will deliver a copy of the movie to every member of the House and the Senate -- a total of 535 copies. That comes out to nearly $7000, a cost which the studio says will be defrayed by a $2.4 billion government grant to produce more family-friendly entertainment. The remaining $2.4 billion will go to fund upcoming Warner Bros. family releases such as "Baseball Dog", "Dr. Quinn: the Movie", "Funky Squirrel Goes To Tolerance Town" and the animated "Princess LaKwanda, MD."

Senate Republicans, who are often critical of Hollywood entertainment marketed to kids, are expected to say at next Wednesday's press conference that they are endorsing "Iron Giant" because they want to buy new yachts.

Critics have lauded praise on "Iron Giant" since its summer release. A Warner Bros. vice president said, "The movie was so family-friendly and lacking in subtle pornographic entendres that I no longer feel any sort of negative emotion or experience any sexual cravings." Joel Siegel of the New York Times wrote that the movie is "a giant step forward for the American film industry. Quite possibly the best movie ever."

It is worth noting that a quick search on AltaVista for the sentence, "Quite possibly the best movie ever," yields more than 700 Siegel-penned reviews.

The studio's actions were praised by Action for Children's Television, a group that played a central role in winning FCC rules requiring broadcasters to air at least three hours of educational children's programming per week, which has had a tremendously positive impact on programming between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. on Sundays.

Old News:

October 19, 1999: Unauthorized autobiography of Mother Theresa released; Hurricane Irene pounds North Carolina coast, smokes cigarette when finished; The fight to place warning labels on genetically engineered foods heats up.

October 6, 1999: Free Mumia! movement gains strength; More whining from the Native American Community; Gap announces creepier ad campaign.

September 28, 1999: Ground-breaking television to air on Fox; Scandal rocks the herbal supplement industry; Michigan man sentenced to death for swearing in front of women.

September 19, 1999: JFK Junior named Man of the Century; Students share their views on returning to Columbine; Scented candles can be dangerous.

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