Armelda Simone is divisiontwo's in-house teen advice columnist. New advice is posted as it is received. Send your questions directly to Armelda at firstname.lastname@example.org
My name is David Williams, and I recently got divorced. My wife left me because she is a devout feminist, and I am a devout Southern Baptist.
You can read all about it in http://members.tripod.com/DavidDSavior/divorce.html
I am feeling very lonely. Do you know where I can find a woman who is a very devout Southern Baptist and won't behave like my ex-wife did?
Thanks for your help!
My girls will say they're Pippy Longstocking if that's what you're into, but you'd better be willing to pay up front. Hand jobs and oral are $25 a piece (an extra $5 to swallow), fucking costs $100, rimming is an extra $50 on top of that, and housecleaning, cooking, childbearing and PTA meetings will run you about $15,000 a year. I've emailed you all the specifics. Let's work something out.
Like Patti, I have a similar problem with my boyfriend. When we are having sex he insists on screaming out my last name. Not only is it really distracting but the neighbors have started to complain. Lately, so has my roomate. After her first complaint, he started to yell out her last name too, just to make her feel included. I think it's really sweet, but she just thinks its creepy. Especially since she is only three feet away in her own bed. What should I do? Tiffy
When I was a freshman in college, my roommate got really jealous that I would keep her awake all night by having sex with our football, basketball and rugby teams and some of their coaches. I solved the problem one night by insisting that a few of the guys go over and pay her some attention. Even though she wasn't as attractive as I was, it was dark, and in my experience a guy will fuck a tree in the dark if there's a big enough hole, so it was no problem. After that night, she dropped out of school and I never saw her again.
As for your neighbors complaining about your boyfriend screaming during sex, they shouldn't be listening in the first place.
Dear Armelda, I am a 25 year old man who lives with
two girls and a boy. We don't have sex. Is that ok?
I suppose it's okay. A little unnatural, but okay. What's wrong? Having a little trouble getting it up, ragnij? That's a stupid name.
My name is Danny and I'm 13. There's a bully who's in the ninth grade who picks on me a lot. I've tried avoiding him, but he purposely waits for me every day. The school won't do anything about it because he hasn't ever hit me. My parents won't help me either, they just tell me to be a man. What does that mean?
It means pull your groin, spit a lot, tell dirty jokes and harass sensitive girls about their breast sizes. I don't know if that'll help you with your bully situation, but it can't hurt. If things don't get better in a few months, pull a Columbine.
My friend LaKiesha says that Tonya and Sherrel are going around saying that Rashon devirginized me, but it isn't true. I devirginized myself with a twig when I was 11.
Ouch. Do you have a question?
My step father and I have been having sex for three months now, ever since he came back from his honeymoon with mom. He's a really great guy and we have a fantastic relationship, but I feel guilty about doing this behind mom's back. What do you think?
Go ahead and get mom in on the action. Incest is the biggest sexual taboo we have, and that just makes it that much more exciting. Trust me, you'll love it, and your mom will be really happy you invited her. Send pictures if you can.
Armelda, I have a question about math. If there's a train that's
going 45 miles per hour west, and there's another train going 35
miles per hour east, and they started out 131 miles apart, how
long will it be before they meet?
Dear Robbie, I can't give you the answer, that would be cheating. I've emailed you a picture of a woman having sex with a dog instead. If that doesn't help, try putting all the numbers on one side of an = sign, and then solving for x. If that still doesn't help, give one of the cuter nerds a blow job in exchange for the answers. That's what I used to do. Got me through graduate school.
I'm guessing you've probably been there and done that, since you sound like kind of a slut, so here's my question: Every time me and my boyfriend have sex, he shouts out the names of states on the in-strokes and their capitals on the out-strokes. He says it's his goal to get through all 50 before jizzing, but he never gets through more than 40. He says this is a big turn on for him, but I find it weird and distracting. It's too much like being in school. How can I get him to stop without making him feel bad?
If you think that's weird and distracting, I had a boyfriend once who used to talk to his penis during sex, encouraging it. If I asked him not to, he would go instantly limp, and that was no fun for either of us. What I suggest for you and what worked for me was wearing headphones with loud music blaring. That way, he can do what he needs to keep himself turned on, and you don't have to hear a word of it. If you don't want to listen to music, try doing a crossword or some homework to get your mind off it. If you don't pay attention, it won't annoy you so much.
Armelda, I have a question for
you: I'm a nine year old by and my older brother is 16 and he
always shows his penis to me when our parents aren't home. I
didn't care at first, but now he makes me lick and suck it. It's
gross! If I don't he beats me up. Should I tell mom and dad?
I don't know much about what it's like having an older brother, but from what I've heard this is pretty normal. Older brothers can be jerks sometimes. You may hate him now, but just put up with it. I wouldn't tell your parents if I were you, because they either won't care or they'll blame you for being a slutboy. But when you're older, you and your brother will laugh about all this, I promise.
send me some pictures, if you can.
I just can't keep my fingers out of my vagina at night! I'm a Christian, and I feel like this is dirty and wrong, but that just makes it more fun! Am I going to Hell?
Maple Grove, MN
I asked that question to a youth minister when I was 13, and he told me that the only people who go to Hell are the people who don't masturbate. He taught me that it was a beautiful thing and God's gift, and he even had me do it a few times while he held his hand on my stomach and read Bible passages to me. Looking back on it now, I can see he was a total pedder, but it was still a lot of fun.
So go right ahead and pleasure yourself. If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would've made your arms shorter.
I've started growing pot in my closet. Any tips?
Buy a special indoor fluorescent growing tube that gives off lots of light in the red and blue bands of the spectrum; marijuna loves this. Each pot you have can hold several plants, and they don't have to be separated unless they absolutely start to crowd one another out. It's good to give them 24 hours of light a day; this will speed their growth, but when flowering begins, the nights have to be completely dark. Try going on a 16 hours on, 8 hours off schedule during the flowering period. And most importantly, give them lots and lots of love. Treat your plants like you would a beautiful woman, and you will be rewarded with nature's blow job.
Ask Armelda, October 1999
Ask Armelda, September 1999
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