Spririt Of Christ Church
- November 5, 1999: Anyone looking for an evening or weekend baby-sitter should contact Kallie Winthrope at 696-7167. Kallie is 15 years old, very responsible and a straight-A student. Rumors of her promiscuity are greatly exaggerated, as a physical inspection by Father Yuli reveals Kallie has an intact flower.
- November 6, 1999: In honor of the Pilgrims bringing civilization and culture to the Indians, Spirit of Christ Church begins its semi-annual Thanksgiving Food Drive. All donated items should be non-perishable, and Father Yuli asks that they not contain any razor blades, pins, Barbie doll limbs, or fecal matter, as we do not need a repeat of last year's media circus.
- November 7, 1999: The award for Community Leader Of The Year will be presented tonight at 7:00pm in the main chapel. The Community Leader Of The Year award is to be given to a Spirit of Christ Church member who has made both an exceptional contribution to the Oakton community over the past year and a generous financial donation to Spirit of Christ Church. Presenters will be Father Yuli and a representative from Shell Oil, our parent company.
- November 9, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church begins auditions tonight at 7:30pm for the upcoming youth Christmas Pageant. This year's Christmas play is slated to be Cabaret by John Van Druten.
- November 11, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church Women's Group meets at 8:30pm in the basement office. Topic of discussion: Repressing your sexuality.
- November 13, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church Youth Group will hold an anti-sex demonstration from 12:00pm to 4:00pm outside of Christian Books in the Oakton Mall. Activites will include chanting, singing, cross lighting and a Britney Spears look-alike contest to be judged by Father Yuli. This event is sponsored by Christian Books, Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and Columbia Records.
- November 14, 1999: Fall Clean-Out Day! At the end of regular services today, a special holy can will be passed around to aid Spirit of Christ Church members in cleaning out their wallets and pockets. The holy can will be considerably larger than the regular church collection plate, and no one is allowed to leave until the holy can is filled completely.
- November 15, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church Men's Group meets tonight at 8:00pm in the basement office. Topic of discussion: How extramarital relations can be considered a service to God.
- November 16, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church welcomes guest speaker Patrick Guisman from 8:00pm to 9:30pm in the main chapel. Lecture and slide show will detail the horrors of late-term abortion. Cookies and juice will be served, and Treats By Margie has agreed to donate a cake shaped like a fetus.
- November 20, 1999: Any parent who has found seamy diary entries or love letters detailing sexual curiosity or exploits hidden in their children's bedrooms is asked to turn the material in to Father Yuli for incineration, along with a jar of vaseline or hand cream.
- November 21, 1999: Father Yuli will not be in today.
- November 26, 1999: Spirit of Christ Church will be conducting head and body lice checks between the hours of 6:00pm and 10:00pm in the basement office. Any church member found to have an infestation will be shaved by Father Yuli. Collected hair will be disinfected and sold to Aveda to make wigs for cancer patients and sassy drag queens.
- November 27, 1999: Spirit of Christ Book Club meets tonight at 7:30pm in the basement office. Discussion will focus on themes discovered in this month's book: "The Bible" by God.
- November 28, 1999: The Spirit of Christ Church Youth Group van leaves at 7:00am and will travel to downtown Compton, CA, for its first urban street mission. Youths will walk the streets in pairs on November 29th and 30th distributing pamphlets about Spirit of Christ Church and telling gang members and prostitutes the good news about Jesus. Youths will each be given $300 cash for finding a hotel and meals.
- November 29, 1999: Any female Spirit of Christ Church member who has ever given in to the temptations of Satan and stuck an object in her vagina for sexual pleasure is asked to come forward and turn the object in to Father Yuli for blessing and forgiveness.
- November 30, 1999: Father Yuli will not be in today.
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