A Guy's View
By Brad J.
September 22, 2000
Watching Your Back
'Sup guys? I am going to write a public service column this week, one that can be useful for everybody, but especially valuable for guys. I received an urgent letter in my inbox last week from a kid called Nathan who says he's "living in terror" and wants who know if there's anything he can do to spot a homosexual in public. Not the easy kind of queer, he said, like the ones who wear shiny shirts, pastel socks and talk like a semi-closeted junior high school choir teacher. He's talking about the ones that, like chameleons, can blend into their surroundings when they have to and then strike when you let your guard down. It's this kind of camouflaged homosexual, he says, that he worries will one day fuck his ass until he can't walk upright, and he won't even know what hit him until it's over.
I'm not afraid to admit that I share Nathan's fear; in fact, is there any guy reading this column who can honestly say he doesn't? I know that I have on more than one occasion lost sleep worrying about a muscular homosexual jamming my ass with his big cock, then pulling out at the last possible moment and blasting his hot cum all over my back and shoulders. Gross. Even when I was younger and my friend Dave and I used to jerk each other off in the shed where his dad keeps the lawnmower, I always had a nagging worry in the back of my mind that a homosexual would walk in on us and get the wrong idea.
Am I being too paranoid? According to this month's Homosexual Agenda Watch pamphlet that my youth pastor handed out last Sunday, I'm not being paranoid enough.
Everywhere we look, it says, guys today are being bombarded by so much homosexual imagery that it's almost impossible for us not to act out the sexual perversions the gay media is forcing into our minds. It says that the homosexual lifestyle is glorified in popular movies and promoted every week on NBC's "Will & Grace" and ABC's "Spin City". I've never seen either of those shows, but I did rent "Jock Suck 2000", which was so disgusting that I had to watch it in segments.
So what can a guy do to protect his anal virginity in a day when the homosexual-owned media conglomerates tell us it's "cool" to give it up to every guy with a set of pecs and a tan? I can't tell you exactly what will work for you, as everybody's circumstance is a little bit different, but I can tell you what works for me.
Right off, I don't use the school's basement bathroom with the stall that has the glory hole anymore. You have no idea how hard it is to be sitting there trying to take a shit while guys keep poking their cock heads in, expecting you to suck them. And those fucking faggots just keep coming one after another. I ended up being late for 7th period so many times that the school sent a letter home to my parents. It said if I'm late once more, I'll get an NC for the entire class.
Also, I've learned that you should always be on the lookout for the dangerously deceptive "gay chameleons" that Nathan wrote about. They are masters of disguise whose ability to blend completely into their surroundings to avoid detection can be amazing. They can look like a jock, a computer geek, a goth, a punk, even a locker if they want to. They're often so good at what they do that you'd never even guess they're gay. But then you find yourself alone with one of them after school trying to finish a science assignment and—bam!—you're bent over the lab bench taking it like a bitch in heat, screaming at the top of your lungs for him to fuck you till you bleed his cum. It's happened to me so many times that now I just carry a jar of Vaseline in my bag in case I ever have to stay late. It's just easier that way.
You should also always keep a buddy around like my boy Dave who you know isn't gay and who knows you aren't gay. That way, when you end up accidentally sucking him off after a few too many bottles or bong hits, you can pretend it didn't happen the next day and he's not gonna be all weird. Plus, you know he won't call all his gay buddies to use your ass day and night while he shoots badly-lit amateur video. And you won't have to go through the trauma that I did when I found mpegs of the incidents scattered across the web. The royalties helped pay for my new Neon, but I still worry that my boy Dave could accidentally find them, and then he'll pout and be all pissy like he always gets when he's jealous.
According to the Agenda pamphlet, the way to lure an especially deceptive homosexual out of the closet is with some piece of bate. It suggests placing a homoerotic magazine like the A&F Catalog out on the table with Maxim, Details, GQ, Sports Illustrated, and other magazines for normal guys, then you note which he goes for first and which he looks at longest. I say it's easier just to use your instincts. If the guy who just helped you hone your jump shot a half an hour ago in the gym is now pressing his sweaty jock strap into your face while he fucks you from behind in the showers, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he's probably a fag. In cases like these, common sense and intuition are your best weapons for protection.
That's really all I can say on the topic. These are difficult and dangerous times to be a heterosexual guy, as I know from experience. So until next time buds, keep your heads up and stay safe. If you've got any gay horror stories to share, send them over to me at email@example.com. Attached pictures help me visualize better, so if you have any, shoot those my way too.
PREVIOUS COLUMNS BY THIS AUTHOR:
November 4, 1999 - Dating Tips
September 19, 1999 - Homosexuality
September 9, 1999 - What Guys Like
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