Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes

October 24-30, 1999


Wear something tighter to show off that sexy body and tight butt, unless you don't have a sexy body and tight butt. In that case, stick to sweat pants, honey. And for God's sake, do something about that odor. You may not be aware of it if you are over 250lbs, but fat people emit an unpleasant scent in the 2300Hz range that can only be detected by thin people and dogs.

Aries: Your risk-taking potential will be boosted on Wednesday by the phasic shift of Saturn, the gambling god. Empty out all your bank accounts and bring the cash to to the track. Place all your money on the pony with the most unfavorable odds. You will be surprised by the outcome.

Aquarius: One of your children will die this week. The catch: It's up to you to choose which one. Make your decision on which to keep based on likely earning potential and attractiveness. The dumb, ugly one can go. In the dating department: Relationships that begin at the marina never last.

Leo: Mercury is disappearing behind Venus at the end of the week, and you Leos know what that means: Bowel evacuation time! Do your best to get those bowels as clean and spotless as you can; this opportunity only comes once a year. Try your enema with bottled water for the ultimate clean feeling, or with club soda for a tingly treat. Use bleach only as a last resort.

Pisces: You're going to be playing the game of love this week, and if you play your cards right and don't land on any of the green squares, you'll likely come out the winner. Take a gamble on that old guy with the ass rot or that girl with the chest hair. Don't count that pierced scrotum out just yet, either. Red, pussing sores on the vagina are a signal of fertility. That criminal sex offender who follows your son home is actually quite a teddy bear when you get to know him.

Horse: Sometimes abortion is the only choice, especially if you don't want puffy ankles.

Virgo: Someone close to your heart is going to betray you this week. You will lose your job, too, and your mother will pass on. Your dog will get a urinary tract infection and you will find out you have stomach cancer. A house fire looks likely on Friday. A new sweater would really bring out your eyes.

Capricorn: Concentrate and ask again later.


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