Scientology. It just makes sense.
In 1994, I picked up a pamphlet about Scientology that I found in the dumpster behind Food 'N Fuel. As I opened it up, expecting to find a colony of delicious maggots, the printed words transported me to another world. There I learned about an intergalactic ruler named Xemu. Four quadrillion years ago, in an effort to control overpopulation in his galaxy, Xemu sent billions of aliens to Earth, or Teegeeack as it was called then, in space planes after paralyzing them with an alcohol/glycol injection. He had them buried in volcanoes and then blown up with H-bombs. The ghosts of these aliens were then forced to watch 3-D films of helicopters circling and crashing for 30 days which told them what life should be like. Afterwards they clustered together in groups of thousands and attached themselves to humans that were on Earth. As a result, we are all possessed by these groups of alien souls, called "body thetans". These body thetans cause people many problems which can be cured by telepathically auditing them through either Incident II or Incident I. On the back cover was a picture and a description of the Obscene Dog, the brass dog in a sitting position that used to suck in thetans using electronics and eject them from his behind.
After finishing the pamphlet, I put it down and thought to myself, "hey, this makes sense," and that began the greatest journey of my life. This journey has taken me to Venus where I was almost hit by a locomotive, to Jupitor where the tremendous gravity almost crushed me, and to Mars where the Espinol United Stars command post was abolished in 1150 A.D. Scientology has ridded me of my worries, my doubt, my money and my family. My purification sessions where I participated in the construction of vacation homes for Tom Cruise and John Travolta gave me a sense of purpose. And Dianetics has become my new Bible.
Scientology. Because Kirstie Alley can't be wrong.
This message is brought to you by the Church of Scientology. Scientology: It's kookier than you thinktm.
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