Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes

October 31 - November 6, 1999


As the harvest moon wanes, your internal appetite for destruction waxes fantastic. Throw a rock through a neighbor's window, drop a brick onto a car off the overpass, wrap up a dirty diaper like a Christmas gift and send it to a stranger. Horizontal stripes make you look too heavy; vertical stripes make you look too wiry; diagonal stripes make you look just right. Dirty needles can be rinsed off and used again.

Aries: If you wake with a stranger in bed next to you this week, it's probably nothing. If you hear footsteps in your house when you're alone late at night, it's probably your imagination. Don't overreact, don't embarrass yourself or others. Deal with uninvited sleep guests and household intruders the exact same way you would want them to deal with you.

Aquarius: Deaf people make good pets for children, just be sure to have yours spayed or neutered. Deaf people in heat can be a handful, and the mess they leave can be revolting and unhealthy.

Leo: One quart of motor oil can pollute 10,000 gallons of drinking water. What you do with this knowledge is up to you.

Pisces: Due to the recent astral phase shift of Pisces, you may experience feelings of loneliness and isolation this week. These feeling are due to the fact that you don't have any friends. Volunteering at a nursing home or daycare center can provide an outlet for feelings of aggression and bottled-up rage.

Horse: Marijuana can be used for more than just its medicinal value. Some people even smoke it for recreation. If you have "cataracts", "glaucoma", "arthritis" or "cancer" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), you can order top-quality "medical marijuana" from our Laotian physician Dr. Ygne Tltlao in divisiontwo connections. He doesn't ask questions, and he doesn't take cash. Your physical well being and a photograph of yourself on the toilet are payment enough.

Virgo: Plastic surgery to correct genetic ugliness isn't only for rich people anymore. Just south of the US/Mexico border there are many shanty clinics willing to perform complex plastic surgery for less than $50. Most of these surgeons are licensed by the Mexican Medical Association and their clinics are held to Mexico's rigorous standards of quality and cleanliness.

Capricorn: I still get nothing for you. Sorry. Check back again next week. I'll jiggle the antenna a little bit and maybe something will come in.


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