/ask armelda/December1999

Armelda Simone is divisiontwo's in-house teen advice columnist. New advice is posted as it is received. Send your questions directly to Armelda at askarmelda@divisiontwo.com

Dear Armelda,

I'm 14 and I want to get a tongue stud (or something), but I'm afraid because everybody says it hurts really bad. Is there any way to make it hurt less?

Dear Sandy,

Yes, tongue studs are painful, so are nose rings and belly-button rings. I'm afraid there's no way to make it hurt less; under current laws piercing parlors aren't allowed to administer anesthesia like they should be. If you're getting the tongue stud to enhance oral sex, as you probably are, might I suggest a clit ring instead? A clit ring can be great to play with during sex, and as for the piercing itself, you won't even feel it, because there are no nerve endings in the clitoris.

Hope this helps,


Dear Armelda,

I'm a 16-year-old guy and I've been masturbating since I was 13, but lately when I masturbate, there's blood in the semen. Is this something I should be worried about?


Dear Dan,

A little blood discharge in the semen is normal from time to time. This is the body's way of getting rid of unfertilized eggs. No, it isn't something to worry about, but if you want to masturbate into a cloth or towel and send it to me I'd be glad to check it out to make sure.


Dear Armelda,

I'm ten and my boyfiends 32. He's also my stepdad. One of my fiends Jane says it's wrong and gross, but I don't believe her. Is she write?

Annie Miller

Dear Annie,
Since he's your step-father, not your real biological father, your relationship isn't incest, so it's not wrong.

God bless,


Dear Armelda,

Sometimes my penis gets hard in class and I have to hunch over in my desk. It's okay except at the end of class when I have to stand up or when the teacher calls me to the board. How can I stop getting erections for no reason?


Dear Troubled,

I'm not an expert on spontaneous erection -- in fact, until your letter, I thought it was a stupid myth like Anne Frank and the nazis. But if this is really happening to you, can't you just fasten it down with some masking tape?



When are my boobs going to grow? I'm thirteen and they haven't even started yet. Cynthia is already a C-cup. Am I normal?

Mindy Okshoen 

Dear Mindy,

If breasts haven't started to come in by the time a girl reaches thirteen, chances are they never will. That isn't to say your situation can't be helped through medical technology, however. Hormone replacement therapy can help to stimulate breast growth, as can electro-stim treatments. You can jimmy up a device by stripping the cord from a lamp, exposing the wires and fastening them to two small metal disks, such as Snapple lids or something similar. Tape the disks to your chest, and plug the other end of the cord into the wall. If you haven't noticed any breast development after twenty minutes, disconnect before the flesh gets too thoroughly burnt and consider that perhaps it's time to consult a doctor about breast augmentation surgery. Or maybe you're a boy; have you thought of that?

Good luck!

Amalda, I'm 15 and I'm from Omaha. My problem is that my boyfriend hits and bites me during sex. I ask him to stop, but he's way bigger than me and he's usually got me handcuffed to the fence in his back yard. He's a cop. How can I make him understand it hurts me without making him feel bad? He really is a sweet guy.


Dear Tiffy

Cops always like it a little on the rough side, that just comes with the territory when you decide to date one. That's why I'll never take more than one cop at a time. In general, though, it's been my experience that telling a guy "no" doesn't work...to male ears, which can't hear anything above 1200hz, it sounds an awful lot like "yes." Instead of saying "no" or "don't" next time, try screaming out your dog's name or the name of his mother. This technique has gotten me out of quite a few uncomfortable sexual encounters and I'm sure it'll work for you.


Dear Armelda,

I run track, and every time I get done with a race I get terrible stomach cramps and I throw up, and it's black. This happens whether or not I ate anything before running. Should I tell my mom and my coach about this?


Dear Shawna,

Vomiting black is normal when you run long distances. I remember when I tried to run track in high school, I would cough until I puked. Finally I coughed up a cigarette butt and I realized sports weren't my thing.

And no, don't tell your mom or your coach, they'll accuse you of being bulimic and they'll make you stop seeing your boyfriend. I've been down that road, and it's no fun at all.


Armelda I have a problem. I'm a freshman in college in Indiana and my roommate Alicia takes lots of drugs and drinks A LOT. Sometimes she mixes two or more drugs and spends the night passed out in her own vomit on our floor or in the bushes outside our building. Sometimes she has sex with groups of guys and doesn't even remember. I'm worried about her. What can I do? I saw her cut into her arm with a razor blade yesterday and then she drank her own blood.

-Lisa P.

Dear Lisa,

Welcome to college, and quit being such a prude. You sound just like my roommate freshman year.


Dear Armelda,

This is an embarrassing question, but I'm wondering, how small is too small for an 18-year-old guy? And does size really matter?

Sam S.
Dear Sam,

The average height of an 18-year-old American male is 5'11". As for whether it matters, I do prefer that a guy be a little taller than I am so that when I wear heals it doesn't look like I'm out with my little brother.


Dear Armelda,

I haven't eaten anything but a few leaves of lettuce a day for the past two months. I'm down to 75 pounds and I still look fat. What can I do to take off another twenty?

Fat Disgusting Pig
Dear Fat Disgusting Pig,

If you weigh 75 pounds and you look in the mirror and see "fat", you're probably really seeing bones and muscle tissue. To get rid of the muscle tissue, simply drink less water. To get rid of knob-like bones and protrusions, avoid calcium and phosphorous.

Good luck with your diet!




It hurts when I pee.

Mark A.

Dear Mark,

I assume you mean emotionally. And I understand what you're going through. When I was a little girl I cried every time I flushed the toilet. It felt like losing a friend.

You'll grow out of it. I hardly ever cry when I use the bathroom anymore.


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