/ask armelda/June2000

Armelda Simone is divisiontwo's in-house teen advice columnist. New advice is posted as it is received. Send your questions directly to Armelda at askarmelda@divisiontwo.com

When my boyfriend drinks, he becomes very violent and angry.  Just recently, he's started hitting me during his drinking binges.  He's given me a black eye, and left giant bruises all up and down my forearms.  I've missed work more than 6 times in the last month because of it.  What should I do?  I'm ashamed to tell my family and friends, but I can't keep hiding the bruises forever.  Please help!

Cianna

This is a very serious problem and you need to take immediate action.  First, I want you to go to the store and find a liquid (not powder!) concealer that closely matches your skin tone to take care of the black eyes.  Second, establish a habit of wearing dark eyeshadow and mascara during the day; this will make any bruises to the eye area less noticeable when they occur.  And finally, to prevent bruises on your forearms, remember that if you don't throw your arms up to defend yourself, most of his punches will land on your chest, stomach, shoulders and back, where they are more easily concealed under clothing.  Let me know if this helps!

-Armelda

I'm a 13 year old boy from the Seattle area.  My problem is that sometimes when I wake up in the morning, my underwear is wet and sticky.  I've heard that having "wet dreams" is normal at my age, and I'm wondering, do girls ever have this problem or something like it?

Mike

Yes, I can personally attest to the fact that women often have the exact same problem men do, but for different reasons.  While for males, waking up with a sticky, cum-soaked crotch and crusty bedding has to do with raging hormones and an over-production of semen during the onset of puberty, for a woman it's directly related to how many guys she had the night before.  I've found that if it's more than five or six, I'll have to do an extra load of laundry in the morning.

-Armelda

-Tam

If I showed up at your doorstep tomorrow morning with a bag full of garbage you threw away 16 years ago, would you be happy to see it again?  Nuff said.

-Armelda

I've never been on Maury, but I did go on Tempest back in the early '90s when I was in junior high school. All I knew going to the show was that someone had a secret crush on me; it turns out it was my half-sister Dianne.  I discovered I had feelings for her too, but we didn't act on it for quite some time even after the show because of the incest thing.  Finally, we decided that since we were only half related, we would consider ourselves sisters from the waist up and lovers from the waist down; all I can say is, God bless the dyke who invented strap-ons. 

Anyway, I've seen a lot of the Maury show, and what you have to do to gain the audience's respect is wave your hand up and down as you walk out on stage while shouting, "Y'all don't know me! Y'all don't know me!  Just shut the f*** up!  Y'all don't know nothin' about me!"

-Armelda

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Wendy

When a woman is obsessed with expensive material possessions and has to drive a flashy car, chances are better than likely that she is attempting to over-compensate for a small clitoris.  Tell her that it isn't the size of the clit that matters, it's all about technique, and make it clear to her that every clitoris is special, no matter what size it is.  There is no minimum size that a clit has to be to pleasure a man; in fact, a clitoris that is too large can be painful for him and cause damage to his organs.  But most importantly, your friend has to reject the media-driven myth that a big clitoris equals power and fertility, and then realize that a woman's worth is based on a lot more than how much she's got between her legs.

-Armelda

Back in September I told you how my boyfriend wouldn't wear a condom and I was afraid of getting pregnant, and you suggested that I jump up and down afterwards, douche with pop, and try not to have orgasms.  I did all that and it didn't work -- I just found out today that I got pregnant anyway.  What now?

C.P.

I recommend that you look into alternative forms of birth control, such as cervical sponges, diaphragms, and spermicide, or perhaps you could explain to your mother that even though you're very young, you are sexually active and need to go on the pill.  Let me know if any of these options help.

-Armelda

What's taking ecstasy like?

Mills

Ecstasy is like a big, warm hug in the shape of a tiny, white pill.  I'm not advocating that you or anyone else take ecstasy, because drugs are bad and dangerous, but if you do choose to experiment with ecstasy, be prepared to feel all of your troubles melt away for six to eight magical and consequence-free hours.  Also be aware the much of what is sold on the street as cheap "ecstasy" is actually a mixture of cocaine and PCP, which is even better.

-Armelda

I like the new look of your advice page!  It's really very pretty now.

~~~~~~
Dan

If you think my web page is nice to look at, you should see my tits.  Seriously, where do you think I found the inspiration for the new colors?

-Armelda

Where do you get off giving little kids bad advice on purpose?

Troy,
Gresham, Oregon

Usually in front of my computer screen.  My chair is scotch-guarded, and I've got one-handed typing down to a science.

-Armelda

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