Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes
November 7 - 13, 1999
Taurus: There's a reason no one wants to talk to you. Figure it out, Pedro.
Aries: Great things await you this week, if you've got the courage to seek them out and make them yours. I can't tell you what they are or how they should be sought; that's for you to discover. I am merely your guide. I serve no function.
Aquarius: Try to handle all your bodily functions early in the week to get them out of the way, because come Thursday you won't even have time to think about going to the toilet. Avoid any show of force or hostility this week, as it could get you sent back to the Elan House. Your lucky binary number for this week is 100111101. Your compatible sign for today is Libra; find a Libra and fuck it blind.
Leo: Your children are watching you; poke out their eyes. Your children are talking about you; cut out their tongues. Your children are running to the police for help; cut off their feet. And don't hesitate to use Ready Whip as an oral sex aide -- that story about the woman with maggots in her vagina is an urban legend.
Pisces: You are a person of substance. And that substance is crap. Go ahead and kill yourself on Wednesday, but try not to make too big of a mess.
Horse: This week Jupiter, the god of war, is in alignment with Mercury, the goddess of love, making your romantic life a little rocky through Saturday. Don't worry; conflict is a normal part of a healthy relationship. That harder he hits you, the more he loves. Stock up on concealer early in the week and prepare stories for you friends and family in advance. Try to come up with something better than, "I walked into a door" or "I tripped and landed on my boyfriend's fist." No one believes those anymore.
Virgo: The unexpected can take place this week. Don't get out of bed. Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door, don't open the curtains. Don't risk any human contact. The phasic stream of Saturn makes it possible that you will experience unwarranted feelings of depression by week's end. Do whatever the voices tell you to do. This week, it's all about plaid.
Capricorn: The life of a Capricorn centers around unbridled materialism. You always have to have the hottest new toy or the coolest new shirt. As you walk through life all you think about is finding your next paying fuck. You are a sad, sad excuse for a human life. Your very existence makes a compelling case for mandatory abortion. Call a friend on Friday, if you have one.
- October 31 - November 6, 1999
- October 24-30, 1999
- October 17 - 23, 1999
- October 3 - 9, 1999
- September 26 - October 2, 1999
- September 19 - 25, 1999
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