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Madam Zanahoria's Weekly Horoscopes

November 21 - 27, 1999


In order to make good on prior commitments this week, it may be necessary for you do as the cliché says and "borrow from Peter to pay Paul." You may even need to "do a favor for Peter before he'll lend you the money to pay Paul," as the saying goes. In fact, to simplify matters you might as well just "kill Paul and dump his body by the old railroad tracks, then take the money Peter gave you and blow it on coke," metaphorically speaking. Try something new with your hair on Tuesday.

Aries: The effect may be constipation, but the cause could be buried deep within your subconscious. Try drawing out the repressed memory through auto-erotic asphyxiation. You will be amazed at what secrets the breathless orgasm can reveal. Comfortable shoes can relieve back pain.

Aquarius: You are in danger of misdirecting your sexual energy today. When you begin to feel obsessed with another's lucky charms, look at how you are idealizing this person, taking pictures of them, building shrines to them in your basement. No one is that great. Take a breather to regain your perspective and then take a second look at your own neglected lucky charms. It doesn't take two to tango anymore, kids, and if you don't use it, you just might lose it. Masturbating alone in front of your computer screen makes a lot more sense than threatening your crush's family while you jerk off over the phone.

Leo: You can catch more kids with a sob story about a lost puppy than you can with candy and toys. What you do with this knowledge is up to you.

Pisces: Expressions of anger, frustration and sadness aren't healthy for you or your loved ones. It's important that you learn to grab all those negative feelings, ball them up and shove them way down into the pit of your stomach, where they can't bother you or anyone else. Buy a gun on Saturday.

Horse: Being a good friend will only get you so far in life. Once you've gone about as high as you can by being trustworthy and loyal, it's time to start cutting others down to make yourself appear taller. Berating a friend to his or her face can be fun, but the truly effective among us know that untraceable rumors are the way to go. Even the slightest implication of a sick sexual perversion can spread like wildfire in a few hours; just sit back with some hot buttery popcorn and enjoy the show. Email a threat to a world leader from a friend's computer on Wednesday.

Virgo: Are you ready for music that rocks you, socks you, grabs a hold of you and won't let go? I am.

Capricorn: Mercury is upside-down this week, and Neptune is plunging toward the sun. That means it's time for a re-evaluation of your love life. Your current attitude toward love has been one of get-drunk-and-conquer. If it works for you, no need to change it. Evaluation complete.


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